Stomach cramps.

They hurt today.

I'm so up and down at the moment, I can't tell you. Or rather, I'm down and then REALLY down. I haven't really had any UP moments these past few weeks.

And I have the play tonight, and the rest of this week. This play has been one of the most rewarding experiences creatively - I love the character I'm playing, and I'm very happy that most of the feedback I've been getting is positive.

But plays are times of high and intense emotions, and this one in particular has been the most gut-wrenching I've ever been involved with. It hurts to actually show up for a performance - even though the acting itself is sheer bliss.

I share a dressing room with the other girls - and never before have I felt so aware of my age, my weight, my style, my everything. It wouldn't normally worry me (as much), were it not for the fact that an obvious admiration for certain girls among the cast has made me feel even more self-conscious. I have always had the tendency to compare myself with others - and before you start, I know it's a terrible habit. Of course I know that. I invariably come off worse. And then I invariably feel bad for being so silly in the first place.

It's not really acceptable to be as overly dramatic as I am, is it? I think most people would say "Oh, Natalie's a drama queen, she's just bunging it all on". Well, I accept that sometimes I do over-react. But I truly do think that my natural state is more highly strung and reactionary than your average person. I'm trying to work on my problems with self-control - but sometimes I think is it really too much to ask for people to understand that some people do react with the heart? And that it can be a strong reaction, even to what seems like a small problem to others?

My Mum always said that "You take everything to heart". She always would try to encourage me to be stronger emotionally, because I think she realised I took after her. She on many occasions as a schoolgirl in Ireland would be forced to stand outside the classroom because she'd be crying, and the teacher would be yelling at her to stop. Which of course would make her cry even more. I'm so like my Mum in that sense - we both get upset easily. But try as much as she did to make sure I didn't follow in her footsteps - I've still turned out the same!

I don't know why I let all people have such power over me. I've always believed in the strength of words. The power and meaning that lies with language. The right of everyone to be heard. So when people say things to me, I take them seriously. But I know it's dangerous to listen to everyman and his dog's opinion. At least it is when you're never totally sure of your own opinion, and are malleable, and easily swayed.

But then do I listen when it counts? Do I hear the truth? Or am I so selfish and self-centred that I ignore others and just focus on me, and the negatives. After all, I find it so hard to accept a compliment, because fundamentally I don't think I deserve it. Do I take negatives out of context? Yes.

God I HATE myself for doing these things. And now look at me, I've spiralled into MORE negative thinking, more self-loathing, like some sort of wanker.

Am I weak? This is a question I have been asking myself a lot these past few days. I think maybe it's more that I'm scared.

I've been trying to examine my many sins, and work how just how bad a person I am. I think for the most part, I'm fairly accepting of people. Sure I love a bitch, but I don't think I've ever asked anyone to change. At least not anything major. I've suggested stuff that I think might help - try this style of clothing, cook this way, use this so-and-so. But I don't think I've ever demanded anyone change the fundamentals of who they are. Maybe I know they'd just tell me to mind my own business. And maybe I'm wrong. I'm not trying to excuse myself from anything if I have done it, but of course I am bound to look back on my own life with a certain amount of bias.

And people seem to be telling me that I need to change a lot lately. "Do this", "Don't do this" etc etc. I know I need to improve myself. I desperately am trying to do that (it's a very slow process and I don't want to balls it up). But I feel like I have to become a whole new person. And I don't know if I can totally transplant my personality.

I'm Natalie. I think I'm always going to be a bit paranoid, a bit daggy, a bit prudish, a lot self-conscious. And I think I'm always going to need approval, and recognition of the efforts I make. But my biggest challenge is to give approval to myself, and to believe it.

I know I have to try to erase the word "can't" from my vocabulary. It's like a big block, and it makes me jealous. "I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't sew, I can't do anything nice with my hair, I can't lose weight, I can't play computer games or watch IMAX movies, I can't get a job on TV because I'm not pretty enough, I can't....everything."

My mind is naturally geared negatively. But I think I can change that gradually. I just need reassurance from people that I'm OK, and that I'm all right as me.

Why is it that the person who cares so much about what others think of them always screws up their friendships/relationships? It sucks.

God, I'm such a wanker. I should stop writing on this damn forum. But maybe if people read it, people might understand that I do want to be a better person, and maybe will be gentle with me. And give me a hug, and say it's going to be OK.

But hey, I've got stomach cramps. Maybe it's all just PMT and the "female" hormones.

Natalie.

Being Miserable

If you were to ask me what I thought of myself as a person, my general outlook on life - I would say immediately that I'm pretty positive and easy-going.

But as I've realised with alarming clarity over the past few days, it's not true. I'm actually extremely tightly wound and negative.

Just talking to people - what they remember about me.

"Remember you said something about your hair that you didn't like it".

"Well I know you, I know you like to carry a grudge".

And other lines.

This is horrible! I never wanted to be this miserable person who looks at everything through ebony-coloured glasses. I didn't think I was.

I know I've never been good with compliments. In that horrible roundabout way where I have never really been good at accepting them, because I find it hard that I've been adequate or good at something. But somewhere along the line that turned into fishing for compliments. The more I played my achievements down, the more compliments I hoped to receive. I became reliant on others' opinions for my own self-validation. Like Queen Mab, I didn't exist if people didn't notice me (and approve of me).

This has led to terribly negative automatic thoughts. Any time a small problem presents itself, it becomes an all-consuming crisis. I can't just relax and think "Oh well, it will all work out, I'll just chill". Everything will lead to doom, the worst-case scenario.

I mean, my mother had CANCER this year, and I still didn't learn the lesson of "Don't sweat the small stuff". I was so worried about my mother, so scared - and yet now she's OK, I've forgotten that there are REAL crises in the world that matter so much more than my stupid small ones.

But then I think is it all relative? There are no discernable problems in my life that an outsider would recognise. Decent job in the industry I'm trying to progress in, a good family and friends, stupidly extreme material wealth (not earned), never been abused, never been harmed, nobody close to me killed or died, never been in a bad car accident or struck by lightning or savaged by a dog.....

Maybe it's guilt? Maybe it's not wanting to feel happy about my incredibly privileged life because people would think I was a posh snobby bitch. Maybe they think that anyway, I don't know. Maybe I want too much to be cool, to have street cred. Maybe I think about these things too much. I normally don't feel very smart, and wish I was more intelligent. But recently I've been thinking how much easier life would be if I was just a bit dumber. If all I wanted to do in life was move to the burbs and pop out kids called "Mikaelah" and "Jaidyn" with some dumb beer-swilling football jock. If going on a two-night hotel-motel holiday to the Gold Coast was the best travel idea ever.

God I talk a lot of crap. The horrible thing of it now is feeling so down and negative about being a down and negative person. I DON'T want the cycle to continue, but I feel bummed, and think I NEED to feel bummed for a while in order to recognise it's a problem and work on it.

It was suggested to me by a very wise lady that I'm always rushing, and that's what leads to the stress and negativity. She said my constant activities and resulting tardiness may be making me feel stressed automatically, before anything else has even happened. So when I rock up somewhere and I'm running late, and look tired or stressed, then people will pick up on that, and only see the negatives. I think this might be very true.

But other people work, and run late, and have stresses, but can still show up somewhere looking and acting relatively positive and relaxed. Why can't I? Or perhaps more to the point, why WON'T I? Why is it so hard for me to shrug off the bad shit and look forward? Am I that hung up on feeling miserable all the time?

One of the things my Mum has always accused my Dad of is trying to "bring everyone down" with him. He picks on people, and makes nasty comments sometimes. I remember so clearly so many occasions where Mum would say to Dad, "You're miserable and you just want to bring everyone else down". And I rise very easily with my Dad, get angry easily. He enjoys that, but it's obviously been very unhealthy for me. I am my father's daughter - I now am down, and although I'm not actively trying to bring other people down, it seems to be happening.

The more I tried to be cool and hip and fun-loving and the kind of person people would hold a seat on the bus for, the more it didn't work, and maybe the more frustrated and negative I became. I have been told many times by people that the only way for people to think you're cool is to say "Stuff the lot of you" and do what you want. I could never do that. I worry too much about people liking me.

There's a couple of things I think I need right now.

I need my own space. I HAVE to move out. It's getting critical. And I think I have to move out alone. If I was living with someone else I think I'd start rushing round after them, or consulting them on stuff, yada yada. Maybe in the future I could, but I think I need to live alone initially. And I am looking. I'm looking at rental ads online trying to find out what I can afford and where if I go with renting - and I'm also trying to get a real estate's agent help in finding a place for sale if I decide to go with buying. But with the whole living alone thing, renting is looking like a decent option. I probably couldn't afford a mortgage on a nice place on my own.

I also need sleep. I haven't had a substantial sleep in days, and a decent sleep in probably weeks. Stress and deep thought about my current issues doesn't help of course, but I think I need to stop trying to do everything. So tonight I'm going to veg out, do some stuff around the house, put fresh sheets on my bed, read for a bit, and have an early night. Hopefully.

I was going to put up the details for "Interesting Times" the play, but as this blog has become now more of a personal record and journal than a public diary of my activities, I don't think it will make much of a difference. I've already done a mass email mail-out, which I believe is more handy.

The play did open well - even if I didn't end up behaving the way I'd planned and prepared all day to behave. I am really looking forward to seeing the play evolve over the next three weeks. People seemed to like my interpretation of Lord Hong - ie, they thought I was scary! I'm really grateful for having the chance to play a quiet, controlled and let's face it evil! character. It's good discipline that I just need to adapt to my real life!!

It's my birthday in two days. I have very ambiguous feelings about it. On the one hand, I'd love it if everyone made a fuss. But part of me wants the whole day to just pass unnoticed. I think the healthiest thing to do is accept it as a day, try to have fun, and see it as a turning point. I do not want to be spending my birthday next year worrying about my negativity and other bad points. I simply want to be having fun.

Wow, another massive missive.

Cheers, Natalie.