Tester

I popped into a pharmacy yesterday to get a script filled.

Now I always enjoy wandering around chemists - so many products of interest on the shelves, so many ph-balanced and lanolin-free body lotions to try out.

I'm sure everyone is familiar with the idea of a "Tester" - an opened product not for sale but rather for punters to try out. Squeeze out some of this, dab on some of that.

I was wandering through some shelves, gleefully rubbing some DermaVeen extra moisturising handcream into my palms, when I spotted a lone pink box with "Tester" writted in thick black pen on the side.

I took a few steps towards it, wondering what it was. Normally tester products are always out of boxes, and ready to use.

Turns out it was a pregnancy testing kit. A pregnancy testing kit, with "Tester" written - IN HAND - on the side.

Now who is "testing out" pregnancy testers IN THE CHEMIST?

"Look, I'm not sure if I really want to find out if I'm pregnant or not. Do you mind if I just pee on one of these sample sticks up the back somewhere - just so I can see if this pregnancy testing kit is going to work for me?"

What happens then? You promise not to look at the result? Cause that's no longer testing anything. That's just urinating in public.

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Top Five Feelgood Pop Songs

There's nothing like a good song to pep up your mood.

Now obviously music tastes vary drastically from person to person; and I am already on the record as saying I have, to most people, an appalling taste in music. But there's one thing I think we can agree on - that some songs are way ahead of the pack in their ability to perk you up, make you want to dance, and get those good vibes flowing.

So here it is - my Top Five Pop Songs That Just Make You Gosh-Darn Feel Pretty Bloody Happy.

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Gift Rapt

Question: Creative recycling, darkly satirical statement on the nature of the commercialisation of the holiday season.... or simply shabby stinginess?

See, I'd thought we had enough wrapping paper, but it turns out we didn't. The Wah drove to three different convenient stores on Christmas Eve looking for some for me, but couldn't find any.

So I had to improvise. And you know, I figure the Christmas wrapping paper winds up in the rubbish bin anyway. And it turns out that a double page spread from a Snooze catalogue is just the right size for wrapping up DVD box sets - without the need for a dodgy scissor job.

I was a bit worried my mother, father and brother would be unimpressed at my dodgy wrapping, but they laughed, and thought it was quite sensible and looked reasonably cool. So, hurrah! Christmas crisis averted.

I'm thinking of doing it more often now. After all, it's not the wrapping that counts, it's the gift that counts. And after all that, it's not the gift that counts, but the thought that counts. And I'm thinking of the environment, people.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

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It's Just Not Cricket

It's been a while since I've been responsible for a truly memorable on-air balls-up, so I thought I'd share this one.

But should Ricky Ponting decide to sue me for defamation, I must insist you leap to my defense, by attesting that my clumsiness extends far and away beyond simple physical ineptitude.

http://www.mediafire.com/?jnjwnyujztz

I should point out that a) it was early and b) I was editing in my head and trying to avoid saying the word "test" twice. But you know, mistakes are made, and all of a sudden I'm implying one of Australia's top sportsmen is interested in a completely different type of grass... *sigh*.

Merry Christmas to you all too.

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The Homeless Prince

Homeless Londoner Rory Stephorse has spent a night sleeping in the luxury of Buckingham Palace, in an event organised by charity Youth Out of the Castles.

Mr Stephorse, an 19-year-old recovering meth addict, volunteered for the experiment, designed to help bring attention to the plight of Britain's young royals.

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The Most Terrifying Words

Channel 10 spent most of this week advertising its Friday night movie feature - The First Wives Club.

It seems to be a regular in the Channel 10 line-up - I wouldn't have thought the station's sub-35 demographic really went for menopausal faux-feminist feel-good flicks, but hey, maybe that's why I'm not a TV programmer.

What got my screeching banshee back hairs right up was the phrase they used at the start of the promo:

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The Unified Theory on Irritable Sweating

...aka "The Sweaty Genitals Theory".

It's not really just genitals - that just happened to be the first phrase I used when first trying to elucidate this theory.

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An Evening With the 'Burgers

I ambled into Lock 'n' Load just after 7pm to find the Christmas 'Burger gathering already in full swing.

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Top Five Female TV Characters

There's been some godawful depictions of women on television. Luckily there's been some awesome characters that help make up for it. This list is restricted to series I've seen; I've also ruled out BBC adaptations of classic novels - otherwise it would be nothing but Elizabeth Bennett from Pride & Prejudice or Margaret Hale from North & South.

The Top Five Well-Rounded, Fleshed-Out, Properly Three-Dimensional Female Characters in Popular Television.

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Catch a Tiger

It's been almost a week since the story of Tiger Woods' car crash broke, and the fallout continues to be spectacular. Initial claims of a marital spat have spiralled into tales of affairs, liaisons, and today, reported hush money.

If you read the comments sections on news articles or blogs about the story, you'll often see these sorts of reactions:

"Who cares?"
"Leave him alone!"
"Give the man some privacy."
"His personal life is not news!."

Sorry, Tiger Woods. Sorry, fans of Tiger Woods. But right now, his personal life is most definitely news.

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It's Not a Pumpkin Scone

The annual release of Queensland government Cabinet minutes under the 30-year rule is always a treat for me.

It's done in early December each year, but embargoed until January 1. The story ban is not an issue, because it gives journalists time to compile their retro "blast from the past" stories for release on New Year's Day, and because the State Archives always put on a killer morning tea after the media conference.

So because of my acceptance of a scone-with-cream bribe, I cannot tell you about all of the juicy details of government goings-on in 1979. I cannot tell you whether or not infamous "Minister for Everything" Russ Hinze was up to anything dodgy. You'll just have to take a guess.

Anyway, Public Works Minister Rob Schwarten, who's a bit of a history buff and does the announcement every year, was talking about various bits and bobs when he mentioned a particular bumper sticker that could sometimes be seen on the cars during the later years of the Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen era (Administration? Regime? Brown-paper bag gerrymandering dictatorship?).

He refused to say what it was in the conference, only that it was too rude. But later, over that delicious spread of crustless wholewheat chicken-and-mayo sandwiches and blueberry muffins, Schwarto leaned over to a few of us journos and said softly:

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