They hurt today.
I'm so up and down at the moment, I can't tell you. Or rather, I'm down and then REALLY down. I haven't really had any UP moments these past few weeks.
And I have the play tonight, and the rest of this week. This play has been one of the most rewarding experiences creatively - I love the character I'm playing, and I'm very happy that most of the feedback I've been getting is positive.
But plays are times of high and intense emotions, and this one in particular has been the most gut-wrenching I've ever been involved with. It hurts to actually show up for a performance - even though the acting itself is sheer bliss.
I share a dressing room with the other girls - and never before have I felt so aware of my age, my weight, my style, my everything. It wouldn't normally worry me (as much), were it not for the fact that an obvious admiration for certain girls among the cast has made me feel even more self-conscious. I have always had the tendency to compare myself with others - and before you start, I know it's a terrible habit. Of course I know that. I invariably come off worse. And then I invariably feel bad for being so silly in the first place.
It's not really acceptable to be as overly dramatic as I am, is it? I think most people would say "Oh, Natalie's a drama queen, she's just bunging it all on". Well, I accept that sometimes I do over-react. But I truly do think that my natural state is more highly strung and reactionary than your average person. I'm trying to work on my problems with self-control - but sometimes I think is it really too much to ask for people to understand that some people do react with the heart? And that it can be a strong reaction, even to what seems like a small problem to others?
My Mum always said that "You take everything to heart". She always would try to encourage me to be stronger emotionally, because I think she realised I took after her. She on many occasions as a schoolgirl in Ireland would be forced to stand outside the classroom because she'd be crying, and the teacher would be yelling at her to stop. Which of course would make her cry even more. I'm so like my Mum in that sense - we both get upset easily. But try as much as she did to make sure I didn't follow in her footsteps - I've still turned out the same!
I don't know why I let all people have such power over me. I've always believed in the strength of words. The power and meaning that lies with language. The right of everyone to be heard. So when people say things to me, I take them seriously. But I know it's dangerous to listen to everyman and his dog's opinion. At least it is when you're never totally sure of your own opinion, and are malleable, and easily swayed.
But then do I listen when it counts? Do I hear the truth? Or am I so selfish and self-centred that I ignore others and just focus on me, and the negatives. After all, I find it so hard to accept a compliment, because fundamentally I don't think I deserve it. Do I take negatives out of context? Yes.
God I HATE myself for doing these things. And now look at me, I've spiralled into MORE negative thinking, more self-loathing, like some sort of wanker.
Am I weak? This is a question I have been asking myself a lot these past few days. I think maybe it's more that I'm scared.
I've been trying to examine my many sins, and work how just how bad a person I am. I think for the most part, I'm fairly accepting of people. Sure I love a bitch, but I don't think I've ever asked anyone to change. At least not anything major. I've suggested stuff that I think might help - try this style of clothing, cook this way, use this so-and-so. But I don't think I've ever demanded anyone change the fundamentals of who they are. Maybe I know they'd just tell me to mind my own business. And maybe I'm wrong. I'm not trying to excuse myself from anything if I have done it, but of course I am bound to look back on my own life with a certain amount of bias.
And people seem to be telling me that I need to change a lot lately. "Do this", "Don't do this" etc etc. I know I need to improve myself. I desperately am trying to do that (it's a very slow process and I don't want to balls it up). But I feel like I have to become a whole new person. And I don't know if I can totally transplant my personality.
I'm Natalie. I think I'm always going to be a bit paranoid, a bit daggy, a bit prudish, a lot self-conscious. And I think I'm always going to need approval, and recognition of the efforts I make. But my biggest challenge is to give approval to myself, and to believe it.
I know I have to try to erase the word "can't" from my vocabulary. It's like a big block, and it makes me jealous. "I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't sew, I can't do anything nice with my hair, I can't lose weight, I can't play computer games or watch IMAX movies, I can't get a job on TV because I'm not pretty enough, I can't....everything."
My mind is naturally geared negatively. But I think I can change that gradually. I just need reassurance from people that I'm OK, and that I'm all right as me.
Why is it that the person who cares so much about what others think of them always screws up their friendships/relationships? It sucks.
God, I'm such a wanker. I should stop writing on this damn forum. But maybe if people read it, people might understand that I do want to be a better person, and maybe will be gentle with me. And give me a hug, and say it's going to be OK.
But hey, I've got stomach cramps. Maybe it's all just PMT and the "female" hormones.