House Inspection

SPOILER WARNING - SPOILER WARNING - SPOILER WARNING

Please do not read this post unless you have seen the new James Bond film Skyfall.

Tom: It wasn't like this before.

Deborah: Definitely not like this before.

Tom: Oh, here's the agent.

Mr Forster: Tom, Deborah! Great to see you! Welcome to your new home.

Deborah: Yes...

Tom: ...about that...

Mr Forster: I've got the keys right here for the final inspection and handover.

Tom: I'm not sure you'll need those.

Mr Forster: Ahhh... I see the cleaners have been through. Must've forgotten to lock the front door.

Deborah: The front door's in the front yard.

Tom: On fire.

Mr Forster: And doesn't that oak burn well? Quality hardwood there.

Deborah: And the Aston Martin?

Mr Forster: I'm sorry?

Deborah: The Aston Martin. Strafed with bullets.

Mr Forster: A classic British car.

Tom: Also on fire.

Mr Forster: It's post-modern artwork. Possibly a Banksy.

Deborah: It just seems there's a few differences since we first inspected.

Mr Forster: Nothing unusual, just a customary going-over by the departing family.

Tom: I thought the owner was dead?

Mr Forster: Yes, yes, that's what we understand, terrible thing. Not sure what he did. Something for the government. Inherited the estate from his parents, but hasn't been here for years.

Deborah: Are you sure?

Mr Forster: Why?

Deborah: It just seems there's a few things missing.

Mr Forster: Like what?

Deborah: Like the roof.

Mr Forster: Ohhh... no, no, that's just a trick of the light. It's these Scottish glens, you know, all misty. Let's head inside. Just mind the smoke... that is, the mist.

Tom: It's awfully drafty.

Mr Forster: It is well ventilated for such an old manor house, isn't it?

Deborah: There's a lot of nails on the floor.

Mr Forster: Perfect for DIY fixups.

Tom: And these bodies, stacked like cordwood over here?

Mr Forster: Poachers.

Tom: Right.

Mr Forster: Let's head into the drawing room. Just mind the blood.

Deborah: Now see, this is new.

Mr Forster: What's that?

Deborah: The helicopter.

Tom: I don't remember that before either.

Mr Forster: It's not a new feature, it's just been cleaned and restored.

Deborah: It's a smouldering wreck.

Mr Forster: So what you're saying is that it's not "Apache" on what you thought you were buying?

...

...

Mr Forster: I'll cancel the deposit.

James Bond Does Not Drink Beer

My friends, I write to you distressed, distraught and dismayed by a revelation that I cannot believe I had not heard until now.

Heineken has spent a reported $45 million dollars to sponsor the latest James Bond film, Skyfall.

James Bond. Drinking beer.

Beer. 

The utter blasphemy of this decision should be obvious to anyone who's ever flicked on the teev and found themselves watching Goldfinger for the seventeenth time, because the bit with the ejector seat and the bit with the laser and Oddjob and Pussy Galore are so. freaking. cool.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against beer. Many people I respect and admire drink beer. 

But James Bond does not drink beer.

James Bond drinks vodka martinis. Occasionally he drinks a mint julep, or Bollinger or Dom Perignon champagne. Sometimes port or sherry.

But never, ever, EVER beer.

James Bond does not pop to the off-licence for a six-pack. James Bond does not crack open a tallie on return from a hard day's work shooting bad guys on Her Majesty's pleasure. James Bond does not pick up a slab ahead of an evening's baccarat.

Now you may think I'm over-reacting. Fine. Here's an experiment. 

Imagine James Bond eating a hotdog.

Go on, imagine it. Picture, in your mind, the suave secret agent, sidling up to a mobile van on a street corner, while on stake out. See 007 hand over a fiver in return for a soft bun and a lukewarm pink tube of almost-meat; watch as he squeezes first ketchup, then mustard over his late-night snack. Conjure up the image of Britain's sharpest spy shoving sugary bread into his mouth, fluffy specks breaking off on the corners of his lips and fluttering down to land the lapels of his Italian tuxedo, followed by a plop of errant mustard, leaving a yellow stain across his previously crisp white shirt. Imagine Bond chewing on rubbery sausage, he face contorting around the foodstuff, twisting and gobbing until the last of the desperately sad hotdog hits the back of his tonsils and he burps, quietly at first, then louder, the taste of over-cooked sausage returning for one final visit, like the Blofeld of processed meats.

YOU CAN'T IMAGINE IT WITHOUT BREAKING YOUR HEAD BECAUSE JAMES BOND DOES NOT EAT HOTDOGS SO NOW YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I'M MAD BECAUSE JAMES BOND DOES NOT DRINK BEER.

Here is my visual response:

I guess what I'm saying here is that JAMES BOND DOES NOT DRINK BEER.

Remember November: Covering Copybooks

Caution: this image could prompt the viewer to break out in cold sweats.

At the start of each school year, rolls of this substance - clear Contact - would be purchased, with the express purpose of extending the lifespan of a textbook or copybook cover.

The last few days of school holidays would be spent allocating blue-lined 64 page copybooks to each forthcoming subject, and embarking on an adventure in measuring, scissoring, peeling, sticking and smoothing out air bubbles.

Air bubbles were the enemy.

By Year Twelve, my Contacting skills were sufficiently polished to deal with my ego's demands for more complicated, prettier designs. I was no artist; but geez I was dab hand with brown paper and a gluestick:

This cover is all that remains of my Year 12 maths copybook. Certainly the workings within were not worthy of being saved all these years, but my James Bond-themed pictorial tribute still impresses me. The Contacted topcoat kept the cover from tearing; even today, shoved in a storage folder in my flat, it remains in excellent condition. I should frame it.

I had others - I remember Marilyn Monroe in particular for an English book - but the James Bond one is the only one I've kept for sentimental reasons.

Now I understand that for many parents, the reality of covering school textbooks and copybooks is not something to be looked back fondly on; rather, it is a yearly trial of patience and skill.

But it's still a real and present challenge to all of us - well, at the very least to those of us who wish to extend the life of our smartphones and tablet computers. The act of placing plastic adhesive covers onto gorilla glass screens requires the same concentration and exact positioning as copybooks did all those years ago.

And air bubbles remain the enemy.

Bond 50

Today marks 50 years since Dr No was released in cinemas, beginning the best movie franchise ever. Yeah, I'm biased, I realise that. There's something about James Bond that you just don't get in Star Wars or Indiana Jones...

What, no Walther PPK at the gun show?

Despite having not technically officially started work for them yet, I pitched to Brisbane Times earlier this week that I put together a retrospective of 50 classic moments from the James Bond movies. Happily, they went for it, and you can check out my list here. I'm eager to find out what people think I may have missed.

Meanwhile - are you in Brisbane and looking for things to do this weekend? Because I have suggestions. Good suggestions.

Tomorrow night (Saturday 6 October) is the Theatresports Grand Championships at the Judith Wright Centre in Fortitude Valley. Teams from Sydney, Melbourne and Canberra are flying in to take on our own Brisbane team.

I'm hosting the show, and couldn't be more excited. This morning, ImproMafia's own Amy, Dave and Tristan went on Spencer Howson's 612 ABC breakfast show and serenaded a listener live on-air, all off the cuff! You can hear how awesome they were here.

Then you should race over to the Judith Wright website and grab your tickets for the event. I promise I'll treat you nicely.

And to wrap up your week-end, what could be more fun than a brutal Sunday morning NERF battle royale? The Smart Enough to Know Better boys are hosting their own fun day this Sunday 7 October. It's called ExpoSE, and anyone's welcome to come along for the epic zombie NERF hunt. I'd bring NERF, if I were you. Did I mention there will be NERF? Find out more information here.

Phew! A big list of things to do and people to see. Enjoy your weekend, whatever you get up to.

The Chicks Are All Right

I pondered writing something about International Women's Day. But then my attention was drawn to this:

It's not everything that needs to be said, or should be said, or could be said.

But damnit, it's a good start.

Party. Birthday Party.

There's going to be some fairly exciting news about the #30Before30 project tomorrow, so do make sure to check back. But until then, please enjoy this:

That's right, I'm having a party. A super-awesome spectacular party. A James Bond-themed fancy dress party. I haven't had a big bash birthday since my 21st, so I'm particularly looking forward to this - and I hope to share it with you!

I know there are people who read this blog who I'm not connected with via email or the various social media networks. If you'd like to come along, please email me (natalie at girlclumsy dot com) for more details about the venue.

Many thanks to Dan for creating the invitation!

Top Ten Bond Pre-Title Sequences: Part II

The second and final installment! Which shall be the Best Bond Pre-Title Sequence? Read on to find out!

#5 Moonraker, 1979

So many great Bond sequences have some “in-the-air” component. Just look at how many have graced this list. There’s good reason: aerial combat makes for great visuals, and sets the action bar pants-wettingly high. Moonraker combines two spectacular airborne sequences: the hijacking of a brand new space shuttle mid-transfer flight; and the brilliant mid-air battle between Bond and Jaws, after the latter pushes the parachute-less former out of a plane. Gasp! How will 007 survive? Well, he initiated an impressive freefall, wrestles the plane’s falling pilot for his parachute, then deploys it just as Jaws catches up to him and starts knowing on his calf. That’s what I love about Jaws. He may be plummeting towards the ground, but he still finds time for an original Oh, and did I mention that throughout this entire sequence James Bond is wearing a cream turtleneck and navy blue blazer?

Genius/naff moment: It doesn’t really fit with the haunting tones of the theme song that follows, but the final shot of Jaws plummeting into a circus tent, bringing down the big top, really exemplifies the somewhat absurd comedic touch that characterised the Roger Moore era.

#4 The Spy Who Loved Me, 1977

Completing the Roger Moore late-70s Bond double-play, The Spy Who Loves Me combines both air AND water-based sequences before Carly Simon kicks in. Doing the Wobbling Glass of Water 25 years before Steven Spielberg, Spy sets up an imposing maritime enemy, something that could prompt the most confident British submariner to utter a tight-lipped "Oh my God!" Cut to British and Russian officials freaking out about losing their subs and calling in their best agents: Triple X (a brilliant bait-and-switch with Barbara Bach); and James Bond on a bear rug ("Tell him to pull out!"). Bond receives his orders via a supremely high-tech Dymo labeller installed in his watch, then straps on a canary yellow one-piece ski suit and shoots off into the wide white yonder. It doesn't take long for a bunch of henchman to follow with machine guns instead of poles, and we're treated a sensational downhill chase, complete with disco porn soundtrack. Bond fires off a few rounds from his pole (wa-hay!), but oh no! He's heading straight for that cliff! He's going over!

What happens next is so mind-blowingly beautiful, and so heart-burstingly patriotic, that it overrides the general naffness of the whole sequence. The disco porn mercifully stops. The chasm that Bond freefalls into literally swallows the sound. He drops for 16 glorious seconds. His skis disengage. He spins, gracefully, almost poetically. He pulls the ripcord. For four seconds we watch the parachute unfurl. Then, just as it bursts into all its Union flag glory, the theme explodes in our eardrums. Can you imagine young Brits, empire long diminished, Cold War relevance waning, Thatcherism around the corner, seeing that sequence? I imagine their reaction was HOLY F*** YEAH! or the 1977 colloquial equivalent. That one shot made Britain look relevant, important and seriously f***ing cool. All of which makes a top pre-title sequence.

Genius/naff moment: It's hard to top Bond's farewell to his sexy Alpine lover ("But James, I need you!"/"So does England!"), but for my mind you can't go past General Gogol's stellar phone conversation. It's one of those classic movie ones where only one speaker is heard, so they have to be far more explanatory than you would be in any regular conversation. "What? The submarine Potemkin disappeared without trace?" All the while sitting in a huge, gloomy, sparsely furnished room somewhere deep in the Kremlin. Seriously, there is one chair in the background. One. Go back and watch it, and I dare you not to crack up laughing looking at that stupid chair. It's like the set guy went "Oh, crap, we need to really emphasise just how freaking huge Russian offices are. Throw that chair on stage right. That'll do it." This is how much I love James Bond films - I care enough to notice oddly placed chairs. Maybe that can be my next list.
 

#3 You Only Live Twice, 1965

 
An atmospheric opening in every sense of the word, You Only Live Twice starts high above the Earth, with some DIY work on a space capsule. But the floating, dream-like movements of the astronaut are short-lived, as they notice a mysterious craft bearing down on them at speed. Then, THEN! Its four great, spiked teeth yawn open, revealing a black hole of nothingness. The pounding of strings and drums matches the astronaut's own mounting panic as the teeth of the unknown craft close down around the capsule. Then, CLICK! It shuts completely, severing the astronaut's communications cable in an instant. "My lead line! It's c...." are his final, terrible words. The mysterious craft moves out of frame, leaving only the ghostly white form of the astronaut fading away into deep space. Such a simple idea, but the execution is so perfect, it really establishes all the promise and dread of 1960s spaceflight in one fell swoop.  Of course, it doesn't end there. After a hilarious "J'accuse!" scene between the Americans and the Russians, the British top brass steps in to say their best man's on the job in Hong Kong. Cut to Bond doing some smooching with a beautiful Chinese lass before getting ambushed and machine gunned to death. Cue Nancy Sinatra.... oh, you only live twice? I THINK I'M BEGINNING TO GET IT.

Genius/naff moment: The meeting of various world leaders/top spies/military types takes place inside a giant orange orb. There's a second one too, in the background of the establishing shot. Inside, it really shows the joy designer Ken Adam took in crazy-ass Cold War sets. The three tables sit in line, tossing jibes at each other through the side of their mouths. "Guys, guys! Why are we sitting side by side on a dias? Let's just rearrange these chairs to face each other... guys?"

#2 Casino Royale, 2006

It took The Wah and I three weeks after it opened to see the eagerly anticipated Bond reboot. We were still in Morocco for the first two; then we spent a week driving around southern Spain looking for a cinema that played the films in English, not dubbed over ("¡No, Senor Bond, espero que muerase!"). But we hit the 007 jackpot in Madrid, and got so excited as cinema went dark that I think we freaked out a few nice Spanish people. But what's this? No gunbarrel? Moody black and white film? Prague? ¿Qué? This opener sets up both faces of Bond - the calm, cool, collected assassin, and the brutal, thuggish, kill-at-all-costs assassin - by using the narrative device of Bond earning his Double-O. It ends with the beginning - Bond, physically shattered after his first kill, picks up his gun (I dunno, is Bond even still using a Walther PPK these days?), then spins on the spot to dispatch his not-dead-after-all target. In one swift movement, Daniel Craig does the Gunbarrel Shot By Which All Gunbarrel Shots will be measured.

Genius moment: "Don't worry," coos the corrupt M16 contact in his glossy Prague office. "The second is..." He's interrupted by Bond, killing him softly with his silencer. "Yes. Considerably," comes Bond's reply. How cold? Ice cold.

#1 From Russia With Love, 1963

The second Bond film, and the first Bond pre-title sequence, From Russia With Love is low-key for sure, but practically perfect. A simple idea - Bond, in the gardens of a mansion, is stalked by a stony-faced blond man. He weaves his way around hedges and statues, turning constantly to check if anyone is behind him. He fires off a shot, alerting the blond man to his presence. The cat closes in on the mouse. Bond is jumped from behind, a garrote wire pulled against his throat, ending his breath. But as he collapses to the ground dead, the mansion's floodlights flash on, and men in black walk towards his killer, Red Grant. A Russian man congratulates Grant on a record time, then pulls at Bond's face. It comes away in his hand, a mask! The dead man is not Bond, but Grant has been training to kill Bond. Nothing needs to be said for us to know Bond is in big trouble. They wander away, and the staccato, gunfire theme music starts up. This sequence establishes mood, the villain, the challenge that Bond will face - all with minimal action and dialogue. It's just beautifully done, and if anyone ever tells you Bond movies aren't clever you can go TELL THEM TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF WITHOUT A UNION FLAG PARACHUTE.

Genius moment: The Russian testing officer walks off with the rubbery Bond mask flopping in his hand. Such disrespect, such unchivalry! THESE BAD GUYS ARE AWESOME! Surely this is enough to convince producers it's time to bring back SPECTRE?

Well, thanks for reading my list. I'd love to hear what you thought of it, or if there are any other Bond pre-title sequences you think I missed. And please let me know if you ideas for other lists!

Top Ten Bond Pre-Title Sequences: Part I

A triumphant mix of action, adventure and some sexiness, the James Bond pre-title sequences are like little films in themselves. Kicking off with the classic gunbarrel shot, they set mood for excitement, often lay some groundwork for the film or at the very least give us a taste of how awesome 007 is going to be this time around, and lead in to some kick-ass naked ladies during the title song.

I present the Top Ten Bond Pre-Title Sequences (Part I):

#10 Licence To Kill, 1989

A Daniel Craig before his time, Timothy Dalton turned the "gritty" knob up to 11 and let fly in this, his second and final Bond film. The pre-title here certainly gives hints as to what's to come - a vendetta flick set against the backdrop of the brutal drugs trade - but it also turns on the fluff, delivering the sweetest sequence in Bond history. On their way to his Florida wedding, CIA agent Felix Leiter and his best man Bond get redirected to take down Mexican drug baron Sanchez. Felix's fiance Della circles the church several times while he and Bond shoot themselves some baddies, and pull off a daring mid-air light plane capture. It ends with them parachuting into the ceremony from a helicopter, before the swelling strings of Michael Kamen's theme music come in. Awwww, how romantic. Pity it all goes to hell once Gladys Knight stops singing.

Uncomfortable moment: Sanchez whipping his runaway girlfriend Lupe as her lover has his heart cut out in the background.

#9 Goldfinger, 1964

This sequence begins with Bond sneakily swimming into a Mexican drug lord's lair using a snorkel disguised as a seagull, and just keeps getting better. Slick and quick, Bond makes his way into a cushy-looking silo, lays down a few metres of explosives and a detonator, then runs away to establish an alibi. How does he make it to the local cafe in time? Why, by unzipping his dry suit to reveal a dapper white tuxedo, of course. Suitably droll, he has a brief exchange with a contact at the bar, before exchanging briefs with the saucy table dancer. But their tryst is short-lived when he's attacked by an assassin. A struggle, a fall into a bathtub, a flick of an electric fan, and we finish with one of the best Connery bond puns: "Shocking. Positively shocking". It doesn't have anything to do with the subsequent film, but you just can't get more classic, positively classic.

Genius moment: Bond realises the assassin is coming for him when he NOTICES THE REFLECTION IN HER EYES. Now that's a super-spy in action.

#8 Goldeneye, 1995

Goldeneye was the first Bond film I saw at the cinema, and at the time the thrill of finally seeing 007 on the big screen got me more excited than when I received Madonna's Erotica album for Christmas when I was 12. Beginning with the epic sight of the Verzasca Dam in Switzerland (doubling for a fictional USSR chemical weapons facility), it features a brilliant bungee jump off the dam wall, a second Double-O agent, and a fantastic cat-and-mouse shoot 'em up against the Russkys. We see our new Bond, Pierce Brosnan, and get an insight into his character - forever scarred by being unable to save his friend and colleague Alex Trevelyn. Finally, as we approach the 10 minute mark, Bond makes his escape by jumping a motorbike off a cliff and freefalling after a small plane. He climbs in, regains control, then soars over the facility as it explodes into glorious fire. Cue Tina Turner. It wasn't my memory misleading me - it really is THAT DAMN GOOD.

Genius moment: Bond getting past the massed armed forces of Mother Russia by wheeling a trolley full of explosive gas tanks in front of him.

#7 Live and Let Die, 1971

Mysterious deaths everywhere! This pre-title sequence shows some of the spooky, freaky and downright cool methods of secret agent execution that gangsters got up to in the early 1970s. From the earpiece electrocution of a UN official, to the terrifying voodoo ritual sacrifice of a scientist, the Live and Let Die opener remains a spine-tingling indulgence. The most outstanding part however is the stabbing death of an agent on the streets of New Orleans; the funeral procession he had been observing becomes a carnivale-type celebration once pallbearers drop their coffin over his body and magically vanish it. The whole thing is so unnerving, when it begins to happen again later in the movie - and this time involving Bond - you really do gasp with delicious fear. And that's a mark of a great pre-title sequence.

Scary yet hilarious moment: the bright green snake the voodoo priest forces to bite the agent looks completely fake. Also, you cannot even see a bite mark on his neck; and according to the handy site Snakes on Film ('cause there was a niche there that needed filling) it would be unlikely for that kind of snake to even have venom.

#6 Thunderball, 1965

It seems like a slow start. A funeral for a SPECTRE operative? A French chateau and some dowdy mourners? Yawn. But wait, what's that? Colonel Jacques Bouvar is not in fact dead, rather, he's disguised as his own widow? And Sean Connery's punching him in the face? All of a sudden, I know I'm going to like this film. The mano-a-mano-in-womano-outfit fight is glorious, a lot of two-fisted action and crockery destruction. And then, bad guy dead, Bond takes off across the roof of the chateau and straps himself into a GODDAMNED JET PACK. How did it get there? How did he know he was going to be able to get to where it was? How is it several henchman fire shots at him as he flies off but fail to aim at the easy target of 007's dangling legs? These are all pesky nuisance questions and you should shut up and watch the GODDAMNED JET PACK. After Bond meets his glamorous assistant (and stows the jetpack in the boot of the DB5), he spoils the party for three attackers by turning the Aston Martin's water jets on them, leading beautifully into the watery blue opening credits and the brassy sounds of Tom Jones. Drag queens and jet packs. What more do you want, people?

Genius moment: After dispatching Bouvar with a poker, Bond pauses to grab flowers from a vase, and toss them over his corpse. If you can picture that "kiss your fingers then throwaway your hand and say mwah" gesture, that's what I'm doing right now.

Stay tuned for the Top Five!

Bond Theme Songs: A Countdown (Part IV)

Here we are - the top five. Even as I assembled this final quintet I had trouble with the order. This is hard. And I'm probably going to cause some controversy. Not least because of number five...

Bond Theme Songs: A Countdown (Part III)

You know, this list could spring into all manner of Bond-themed lists. Best opening title sequence. Best actual video clip. Best Bond girl name. Best gadget. Best stunt sequence... there's material for a dozen blogs. Something to remember during one of my (sadly regular) idea droughts. But for now, let's continue the countdown. It's balls to the wall time. Specifically...

Bond Theme Songs: A Countdown (Part II)

This is a bit of a tough gig, you know. I love all these songs in their own way. Picking favourites is hard. But let's plough on - and to start, let's take a trip back to the Swinging Seventies...

Bond Theme Songs: A Countdown (Part I)

I'm a big fan of the James Bond films. Some of my earliest childhood memories are watching them with my family, my Mum trying to remember which bits belonged to which film, while my Dad and brother gleefully took in the fight scenes, and ogled the lovely ladies as they gradually lost their ... inhibitions.

The first Bond film I saw at the cinema was 1995's Goldeneye, Pierce Brosnan's first outing as 007, and in my opinion still his best. 'Twas Boxing Day, and afterwards my family all went for a "walk" in some "state forest". You know, to be "outdoors" on "such a nice day". Well, having realised mid-film that my destiny was to grow up to be a super-fit, ass-kicking secret agent, I decided to go running. Like really RUNNING. I took off along the bush trail, the "dum-da-da-dum-dum" guitar licks on repeat in my head like my own awesome movie soundtrack. I was a MACHINE. I was going to be SO COOL. I was going to...

"Natalie!" my mother cried. "Don't run off!"

D'oh.

I still get the same feeling during/after watching Bond films - that gnawing sense of failure that I've lived almost three decades on this planet and have never yet speargunned a wetsuit-clad assassin through the heart while punning/and or shagging. It's interesting that many people ask me if I "want to be a Bond girl", and my answer is sure - but only because my gender restricts me from being Bond (Bond, like Harry Potter, Doctor Who and Robin Hood is a male character. Deal with that, and look to Xena for arse-kicking female characters to emulate).

Anyway, all this is leading me in a roundabout way towards my topic. I've decided to list the Bond theme songs in order of pretty awesome to THE MOST AWESOME. Then I promise I'll stop using the word awesome. For at least five minutes.

Important points to note: I've excluded the Monty Norman's classic "James Bond Theme" from Dr No, and the official Best Driving Music Ever - "On Her Majesty's Secret Service". That's because NOTHING beats those pieces of music when it comes to iconically Bond, and also because they don't have words. I'm also excluding Never Say Never Again - I don't CARE that Connery was in it, it's NOT canon and besides his hairpiece is RIDICULOUS. Same goes for the 1967 "satire" Casino Royale (take your pick with the hairpieces). Finally, this list doesn't reflect on what I think of the movies themselves.

So that leaves 20 signature themes to rank. Will there be controversy? Will anyone even care? Who knows! Let's do it anyway for Queen and country, keep the British end up, etc etc.