David Bradley: Britain's Go-To TV Creep

I've just finished watching Broadchurch, the sensational ITV drama about a Dorset town torn apart when an 11-year-old boy is found murdered.

It features a great cast, including David Tenant, Oliva Colman and Arthur Darvill. But it also includes this man:

This is actor David Bradley. He plays the local newsagent in Broadchurch, and his character is one of a number who come under suspicion in the show. Now I don't think this is too much of a spoiler (as I highly recommend you watch the series), but he attracts attention because he's, well, creepy.

Raven Mad

My Raven On Game of Thrones episode recaps are still going on over at the mighty Brisbane Times and affiliates - supposedly they're doing quite well in terms of audience response.

Read them, or I'll smite you with infinite prejudice

The S3E4 recap is up today, and I was greeted first thing this morning by my inaugural complaint email.

Leaving aside the gentleman's name, I reproduce his words here, because they are glorious:

Why oh why do you insist on spamming us with your articles on Game of Thrones. FFS it's just a TV show and no other TV show gets weekly episode reviews.... give it a rest !!!!

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to receive my first "Why oh why" email. It's an even better feeling than I had imagined.

I really want to reply to this gentleman's email. It's taking me a great deal of effort to stick by the philosophy that you shouldn't poke the angry bear.

But in case he happens to journey around the interwebs, and perhaps come across this blog, I just want to make a few points that perhaps he didn't stop to consider:

• It is actually impossible to be "spammed" by a news website that you yourself choose to visit.
• There is no requirement for you to actually click on the recap and read it.
• In fact, many TV shows are recapped weekly on Fairfax sites, including Mad Men, My Kitchen Rules and The Voice.

For the most part though, I've been absolutely delighted with the response of commenters on the recaps, so do join in the fun if you're willing and able.

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E10 Recap

ONLY THREE MONTHS OVERDUE!

Ladies and gentlemen, I must beg forgiveness for the terrible tardiness of this final recap for Game of Thrones series 2. This is well beyond Walder Frey territory, really. But here it is, finally - the last instalment this season of Raven On!

Explanations? Various amounts of busy-ness, laziness and feelings of emptiness. I DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE OVER. Not when Creepy Rapey guy turned into a slightly less rapey but no less creepy guy, and there was a wrinkled demonic White Walker leading a hoard of zombified .... oh wait, spoilers. SPOILERS!

Episode 10: A Bit of a Comedown After the Big Ep 9 Battle, but Hey, These Things Happen and There Was Still Great Stuff to Set Up For Series Three, But There Were a Lot of Characters Having Moments And Things So Please Bear With Me As I Go Through Them in A Long and Possibly Boring Way.

Poor Tyrion. A true hero in last week's episode, he's now disfigured, Bronn-less and relocated to a dank corner of the Red Keep. Maester Pycelle seems happy enough to reveal a bit of his true self to the injured imp; confident his power has been all but destroyed and the old order is re-established. Thank goodness for Pod. Still very silent in this episode, I can't wait to see more of him. Shae was also genius; after entreating Tyrion to flee with her, she listens to his impassioned declaration that messing in the politics of the Seven Kingdoms is the only thing he wants to do. This determination could be the downfall of a more foolish man; but with Tyrion's smarts, it could be the saving of a nation.

I don't think there could have been a better way to introduce Tywin Lannister than through a pile of horse droppings plopping onto the flagstones outside the throne room. Tywin's refusal to even dismount to receive his Hand badge really shows the disrespect with which he holds its heritage and legacy. Can't wait to see what he gets up to in Series Three; I hope he meets Arya again.

Margeary! Way to go with the plunging necklines and Machiavellian love declarations! She was *ahem* completely believable.

"No thanks, Your Grace, we brought
 our own wind machine."

However, the whole rigmarole of allowing Joffrey to ditch Sansa and join himself to the Tyrells through marriage was a beautifully staged event, complete with Cersei, looking no worse for wear after her drunken romp through the Battle of Blackwater Bay.

I broke into a huge grin just as Sansa did; joyous in her brief moment of believing she was free from Joffrey's grasp. What a heel Baelish was to take that from her; still, Littlefinger had a point. Joffrey doesn't like losing his toys, and Sansa is still in quite a large pile of lion droppings herself.

Varys spent some time chatting up Ros, who, after all that business with Baelish and Joffrey and the beating and the whatnot must be quite relieved to find herself in the company of a groinless man. Now while Lord Varys always wants something, and he is still pretty scary himself, I've decided I'm rooting for the Spider to beat Littlefinger in their power game, so come on, Ros, throw down with the ball-less wonder and let's crank up some insurrection next season.

Brienne and Jaime's Excellent Adventure continues apace. Jaime is really living up to his title of the biggest shit-stirrer in Westeros, relentlessing teasing Brienne about her size and mannish-ness. But damn, he gains some respect after she brutally dispatches three Stark men who rumble their identity.

Lovesick Robb Stark. Awww. Determined to marry Talisa despite Catelyn's best efforts to deter him. Their wedding in the wood means danger ahoy, and sadly, probably death. Really putting the "cinder" in "Cinderella".

One of the highlights for me this season has been Stannis Baratheon's theme music; that slow, low, deliberate, menacing chord progression that underscores all of his scenes. It was really prominent in his scene with Kate Bush (who for some reason is still being called "Melisandre"), in which he bitterly strangles her as a kind of revenge for his battle loss, only to stare into a naked flame on her command and see... something. His future? His victory? His ability to smile? (Not gonna happen).

Meanwhile, up beyond the wall, Jon Snow is being led back to Mance Raydar's seat of power; but also being led to an inevitable but still terrible decision. Qhorin is the other Night Watchman captured; but as he hints to Jon, only one of them could be effective inside. Qhorin eventually draws Jon into a battle to the death, in which they both make a huge sacrifice. I am trying to recall if Jon had actually killed anybody before this; apart from the White Walker in Mormont's chambers in series one, I don't think he has. To kill a brother is serious indeed; but as Qhorin whispers in his dying moments, "We are the watchers on the wall". It is reassurance as well as a reminder of the task Jon now faces.

I was so happy to see Khal Drogo again, as part of Danerys' dream fantasy in Q'arth's House of the Undying. And how cute was baby Rhaego? That kid came straight out of "Tug On the Ovaries" Casting Agency. Dany was confronted with a frozen wasteland of her never-seen home, including the Iron Throne itself. But the trick failed to trap her; upon finding her dragons she instinctively unleashed their firepower to burn the creepy warlock clones. Dany's side trip to Q'arth throughout this season has been a bit drawn out; but it's good to see her still growing, and really getting an edge. Deciding to lock-up Xaro and his lover Doreah (her one-time loyal servant) and take ALL the gold was pretty fricking hardcore. The message for series 3 is Don't F*** With Dany. She's coming for you all.

"Oh, you messed with the WRONG blonde."

Yay! (Best Moments)


Theon Greyjoy being totally pwned at Winterfell. "I will kill that horn-blowing c***", he bemoans, under siege by Roose Bolton's bastard and his forces, with only Master Luwin around to offer genuine advice (aka "Run, you idiot, run to The Wall"). But Theon decides a glorious death is his destiny, and is finishing off a rousing speech to his troops when they thump him from behind, knocking him out. "It was a good speech, I didn't want to interrupt" is a corker line.

Arya's final scene with Creepy Rapey Guy, aka Jaqen Ha'gar (a man must have a name). He turns out to be one of the Faceless Men of Braavos. Arya would like to go with him to learn their secrets; but she must find her mother, brother and (reluctantly) her sister. He gives her a coin and the spine-chilling words "Valar Morghulis", should she ever need to find him again. Arya begs Jaqen not to go, only for him to turn around and BOOM - different guy. As I said, less rapey, but still creepy. More of a square-jawed type. Will be interesting to see where and when he shows up again.

Zing! (Best Lines)

Virtually everything out of Shae's mouth in her scene with Tyrion, but particularly her retort after he tries to put on a brave face and ask if she's leaving him - "You have a shit memory. I am yours." BLESS.

One of the Night's Watchmen keeping Sam company while they wait for Jon to return: "Nobody should live anywhere you have to burn shit to stay alive." AMEN, BROTHER.

Wow, bit of a "shit" trend here. I obviously like swearing a bit too much.

Ewww, gross (A skin-crawling moment)

When Brienne asks the Stark men if they killed three serving girls quickly, one replies "Two we did, yeah.". It's one of those blithely delivered bits of horror that Game of Thrones does so well. Brienne, though, acts as a god of retribution, efficiently killing all three after they rumble and delivering the same message back to  him "Two quick deaths?". The look on Jaime's face is priceless.

Boo, Sucks

I didn't understand the razing of Winterfell. So the Iron Islanders torch the joint then escape... but what happened to the siege forces? Surely they would've raced in to help; they were under orders to find the intruders and to secure the safety of the Starks. Why was it deserted when Osha brings Bran, Rickon and Hodor to the surface? And how did the Iron Islanders escape? Through the tunnels? Wouldn't they have run into the Stark children?

Master Luwin's death. This actually really shocked me. I loved that guy. Wise, kind, generous, loyal... he's a big loss.

What's with the zombie army? Did that wizenened icy melty dude actually see Sam Tarly? Are they just going to walk right on by the little fat kid and onto the Fist of the First Men camp? Or are they heading for Mance Raydar's city? And what's special about them - if they turn out to be just regular zombies I shall be most annoyed. If I wanted to do Walking Dead recaps, I'd do Walking bloody Dead recaps. Still, bring on series 3. It looks like we're going down that "Magic is Back" road; but as long as Tyrion keeps flying the flag for political machinations, I'll be happy.

"Hmm, did I pack moisturiser?"

I do want to write more, but this is already pretty epic, so I'll leave it here for now. In the meantime, I'm putting together a collection of spectacular Game of Thrones merch that you can buy, some licenced, but most just inspired by the series and put up on various creative websites. Feel free to leave any suggestions for this list!

Qanda Qanda Qanda

I'm posting this more for posterity than for bragging rights.

Every Monday night, Australian tweeters gather around their warm laptop/tablet/phone devices and make snarky comments about Q&A, an ABC discussion program that purports to provide intelligent discourse about issues affecting the Australian cultural and political landscape, but generally dissolves into muckraking, shouting, and running commentary about Julia Gillard's words/actions/jackets/arse.

That was a long sentence.

As it happens, I'm not even a serious #qanda tweeter, as the hashtag goes. But last night I was expressing a lot of admiration for British actor and writer Simon Callow via the micro-blogging service. The man simply has the most seductive voice on the planet, and Tony Jones was guilty of the criminal offence of letting the other guests speak when it should have been All Simon Callow For All Time.

If Simon Callow was the voice of my GPS unit, I'd never get out of the car. If Simon Callow was a telemarketer, I would upgrade my internet plan. And if Simon Callow ordered me to frame someone for murder, believe me, they'd be fitted-up better than the Mona Lisa. All for you, Simon, you silken-voiced white fox.

I realise he's much beloved for his extensive film and stage work (including Four Weddings and a Funeral); but it's a little-known TV role I really love him for. And no, it's not as Charles Dickens on Doctor Who, but rather a sweet little mid-80s sitcom called Chance in a Million. He starred as Tom Chance, a man plagued/blessed by coincidence. Brenda Blethyn was his love interest. I saw half a series of it on late night TV around ten years ago, and they were both utterly charming in it. Like all British sitcoms of the 1980s, it's a bit naff, but I remember it being really quite well-written, and more clever and modern than I would have expected.

I sometimes wonder if I should track it down on DVD - but I fear it may be rubbish if I watch it again now. Like that time I rented my Dad a Best Of Benny Hill VHS, and he watched five minutes before turning it off, saying sombrely, "It's just not really the same." And this from a man who still sniggers at the word "boobies".  Dave Allan, though, that still gets a run.

Have you ever got a tweet up on #qanda, or do you eschew it as left-wing commie rabble-rousing?

And, tangentially, is there a TV show you've revisited that proved a terrible/excellent experience?

Commune Savours the Bold

Devastating news emerged from Hollywood over the weekend: Ronn Moss, beloved star of long-running soap The Bold and the Beautiful, will leave the series after 25 years.

Ronn Moss, for those of you living under a ridge, played Rock.

No, wait. For those of you living under a rock, he played Ridge, the most wonderfully foolishly named character in a show full of wonderfully foolishly named characters (Thorne, Storm, Whip, Bill).

In reacting to this bombshell, I certainly went through the five stages of grief. And I did it in true soap opera style:

It may surprise, nay, horrify you, dear readers, to discover that I am in fact a secret Bold fan.

But before you judge me, sit down and hear the tale of how this program can entrance even the most cynical of hearts.

In Australia, Bold screens at 4:30pm on Channel Ten, just before the 5pm Ten News.

For us journalist types - and for other news groupies - an evening of news-watching begins with the 5pm Ten bulletin. It means TVs start being flicked over to Channel 10 around the 4:55pm mark - just in time to see the last few moments of The Bold and the Beautiful.

For me, this means around ten years of casually dropping in on the glamourous world of fashion, around which Bold revolves. The brilliant thing about the soap format is that the last five minutes is more than enough to give you comprehensive character and plot information. A few of these every week sees you starting to learn characters' names. A few months of this, and you might start working out the incredibly complex and close-to-incestuous nature of the relationships. Brooke, for example, has married Ridge at least 14 times; and also had children with his father; and with her daughter's husband.

Oh yes, my friends, when Shakespeare coined the term "tangled web", he was foreseeing a Bold future.

Of course, I kept this habit under wraps, not even admitting to myself that I might be flicking over earlier and earlier. Soap opera magazines in the supermarket may have indicated that Bold had a very popular following; but I was a sensible, clever media type. I didn't watch soap operas, I'd tell myself as the square-jaw of Ridge Forrester started flashing up onto my screen at 4:45; 4:35pm. "It's just important to be ready to watch the Proper News."

Very few people can pull off a turtleneck.
Ronn Moss is not one of them.

However, over the past year, and thanks mainly to Twitter, I've discovered I'm not alone in my habit. The hashtag #5minutesbeforethenews brought a whole bunch of secret Bold fans out of the designer closet. And for the more hard core, #ohbrookeohtaylorohbrooke is a feed of fans live-tweeting each episode as it airs in Australia.

And now I know why there are so many of us out there - intelligent, hard-working people - who revel in the hot goings-on at Forrester Creations.

Did you ever hear the reason why the jokes in Christmas crackers are so appalling? It's because while everyone's idea of a good joke is different, everyone's understanding of a bad joke is immediate and shared. At a time like Christmas, it's far better to engender a spirit of goodwill and fraternity by uniting against the bad jokes; rather than dividing opinion because Auntie Gina didn't think it was funny.

The Bold and the Beautiful is the daytime soap opera version of this.

We all KNOW it's bad. The plots are unbelievable, the dialogue corny, the timelines wobbly, the love triangles maddening, and the use of extended close-ups egregious. But when we all share in its ridiculousness, we bond as a community, a family. Our gentle mocking of lame facial hair and botoxed leading ladies (Oh Taylor, why did you do it?), and our delight in over-the-top displays of emotion allow us to feel superior together. The affection that springs from our negativity turns the whole experience into a positive one.

And the best part is, it's a community that demands nothing of you. I'll be travelling overseas in September and October, and will happily go about my business without a Bold vision, safe in the knowledge that a flashback or a few tweets on my return will be more than enough to fill me in. So much TV these days demands your undivided attention, lest you become lost in intricately-laid plots and machinations. I love that kind of TV - but sometimes it's nice to know you don't have to follow obsessively; because the show will keep you in the loop.

So goodbye and God bless, Ronn Moss. I don't know how the clan Forrester will fare without you. But at least for now, the social media commune will savour the Bold.

Post-Olympic Reality TV Alternatives

I haven't been watching the London Olympics. It's not that I don't thrill to the thought of sports that I fondly remember failing at school carnivals (how is triple jump even a thing?), it's more that I'm just a really unpatriotic Australian.

What I have been keeping a watchful eye on is the sheer volume of promotional advertising for post-Olympic reality TV programming. It's an important time for the networks - there's going to be a huge hole in people's viewing schedules, and it's important they pack it full of tasty yet unfulfilling dross faster than Usain Bolt can pole-vault his way into the diving record books.

I've been studying the form guide, and feel a few of these shows aren't quite hitting the hot button as firmly as they could. So please, read on, as I present some alternatives. I fully expect the TV networks to be breaking down my door when they feast their eyes on my smorgasbord of sizzling suggestions.

Show Based on a Song Title With "Dance" In It

Everybody Dance Now is some sort of replacement/supplantation of So You Think You Can Dance?, which I can never watch because it makes me feel depressed about not being a lithe 20-year-old breakdancer. So-called "Dance Masters" Kelly Rowlands and Jason Derulo are going to pit dance acts against each other to win the popular vote, and ultimately the competition. Model Sarah Murdoch will host, no doubt showing off a series of increasingly urban hairstyles.

To go a two-step further, Dancing on the Ceiling, inspired by Lionel Ritchie's 1983 pop epic, will see teams of dancers strapped into harnesses, strung upside down, and forced to perform complex choreography while fighting the blood rushing to their head. If they faint, they're automatically eliminated.

Its sequel series will be based on Bruce Springsteen's 1984 hit Dancing in the Dark, in which crack teams of dancers will perform in a pitch black lighting state. The audience basically takes a guess at which ones they liked the most/which ones got injured the least. It's hosted by Australia's favourite model Miranda Kerr, which is great because she'll just be in the dark the whole time which means WE WON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT HER RELENTLESSLY BLAND EVERYTHING.

The thrilling finale.

Show Based on An Old Show That We All Hated

Channel Nine is the Olympic broadcast partner, so it has the most audience to lose come the close of the Closing Ceremony. Its great big daring idea? Rehashing Big Brother, the original new-millenium reality show that Channel Ten mercifully put a bullet into back in 2007. It's a stunning coup.

In my programming schedule, we will see dynamic new take on the surveillance reality genre, with contestants forced to interact despite strong differences on key issues....  ...ah f*** it, it's just Order in the House with some fancier graphics and montage highlights of politicians sitting around talking about nothing. But the audience voting out contestants component could prove controversial.

Show Based On Australian Movie

Channel Ten is set to give us I Will Survive, a competition featuring 12 rugged blokes retracing the steps of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, all for the chance of a Broadway gig. The presence of buff dudes in short shorts aside, I fail to see how the competitive angle of this will work.

Frankly, if you want to explore the Australian Outback with a true reality bent, then you should plump instead for my delightfully terrifying alternative: Head On A Stick: The Real Wolf Creek. Hosted by - you guessed it - John Jarratt, Head On A Stick will pitch 12 British backpackers against each other in a battle of survival supremacy.

Initially drugged for their arrival on "set" (read: a large expanse of country somewhere outside Coober Pedy), our victims contestants will be forced to fan out, find supplies and shelter, and avoid a knife-happy psychopath intent on adding them to his "Wall of Corpses". With his penchant for cutting the spinal cord in a time-honoured Vietnam War tradition, the winner will literally be the last one left standing.

The thrilling finale.

Show Based On a Significant Letter

Channel Seven is busting out The X Factor again, and their saccharine promos have really leaned heavily on the singing portion of what is actually a broader talent competition. They're trying to cash in on the success of The Voice, but what they should be doing is creating a point of difference.

The Y Factor, however, will be a crossover phenomenon. Crossover in the sense that all competitors will be made-up to look as androgynous and sexless as possible. It will be up to viewers to try to determine who has that elusive "Y Factor"; that is, which of the competitors are in fact blokes. Imagine the fun you'll have at home trying to work out which of the contestants are just in poor lighting, versus which ones are actually maintaining a tuck manoeuvre.

Show Based on Gender Stereotypes

You've obviously heard the news that men as a gender lack any sense of style or decorum, particularly when it comes to the important moments in one's life. Channel Ten's Don't Tell The Bride seeks to capitalise on this, by offering couples $25,000 to fund their wedding - but only if all the key decisions are made by the groom. Hilarious! We all know that we just can't trust the menfolk with anything important, like a f***ing wedding, can we ladies? God forbid you ask them to choose bonbonniere or pick out a colour theme for the reception. You might as well just cut off your head and die right now than have your special day ruined by your pig-ignorant, clueless, untidy git of a husband-to-be, whom you're marrying because you.... um... respect them?

Whatever. Let's bring the sexism circle to a full close with my alternative show: Don't Tell the Underpaid Female Employee! Bosses are given $25,000 to distribute in pay rises for staff - but have to figure out a way of paying their male workers more than their equally-qualified female colleagues - without those power-suited femmo-Nazis finding out! Ruh-roh - is that an official complaint to HR? You lose, boss. Except you don't because your fed-up female staffer will probably leave while you get to keep your job. But you've, like, learned a lesson and stuff.

The thrilling finale.

I honestly am an ideas factory, people. How am I not earning my riches from all this creative gold?

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E9 Recap

I'm somewhat speechless, really. Written with perfect pacing by George R.R. Martin himself, and superbly directed by Neil Marshall, this week's Game of Thrones was sublime and epic in every possible way. I'm not really sure it even needs a recap, beyond the phrase "HOLY. F***. YES."

Of course, if you read on from here and haven't yet seen the episode, you're doing yourself a massive disservice. Never in my years of watching televisual mediums has my loyalty been so torn. The Battle of King's Landing, which this episode focuses on, is an epoch-making moment in the history of Westeros; yet I went into it not really backing either side to win or to lose. It was another splendid example of how Game of Thrones refuses to paint with black and white, but rather, dollop everyone with more shades of grey than a Dulux concrete catalogue.

So for this episode of Raven On, I thought I'd focus on some key characters and their superstar moments - for better or for worse.

Episode 9: Ten Awesome Characters and Moments from the Battle of King's Landing.

10. Tywin

He appears for five seconds at the end, but by jingo Charles Dance almost steals the whole episode. The revelation that instead of marching against Robb Stark, the Lannister army has allied itself with the Tyrells (as proposed by Lord Baelish a few episodes ago) to surprise Stannis' invading forces was a classic "the cavalry saves the day" moment.

"I came to kick ass and skin deer. And I'm all out of deer."

9. Davos 

Poor Davos. Battle plans a-ready, focus and determination in spades, the promise of a role as Hand in victory... and a whole lotta wildfire goes and spoils it all. Is he dead? I think his son is dead, but as for Davos himself? Less certain. He's a former pirate, he'd be a good swimmer, and most certainly have experienced wildfire before.

8. Shae

The mysterious handmaiden to Sansa has become as fiercely protective of her lover Tyrion as he is of her. She continues to show an adeptness for laying low, even in the middle of a crowd. Her courtesy curtsey lesson from Cersei was delightful. "You're not high-born," observes the Queen. Sadly the arrival of Lancel Lannister to deliver battle news interrupts the story Cersei commands Shae to tell. But she again proves herself a loyal friend to Sansa, while simutaneously protecting herself. "No one's raping me," she declares, flashing a nasty-looking leg dagger.

7. Joffrey

Cowardly, spineless, petty - Joffrey revealed himself as the scared little pyschopath we all knew him to be when he used the first opportunity he got to scarper from the battlements. The most joyous moment with Joffrey came when he presented Sansa with his new sword "Hearteater", entreating her to kiss it for luck (a metaphor if ever I saw one). But he got flustered as Sansa asked whether he would fight in the vanguard; "I'm sorry," she replied, "I'm stupid, of COURSE you'll be in the vanguard." Take that Joffrey, you mangy dookie socket.

6. Bronn

Everyone's favourite sellsword likes nothing more than booze, a singalong and a naked woman. But as the Hound points out, it's killing that really trips his trigger, and the rest is all show. Their stand off over who had the better approach to slaughter dissapated by the sound of alarums, both of them literally saved by the bell. Bronn also had a lovely moment with Tyrion as they finalised "the plan" in the throne room, boosting his confidence with an axe, and admitting that all money aside, they are actually "friends".

5. The Hound

The deployment of the wildfire provided the most spectacular special effect so far in Game of Thrones. Those vibrant green flames were the best demonstration yet of the theory of beauty in destruction (that may be a theory I just made up, but I stand by it). Tyrion, who ordered the strike, doesn't look happy about its use, but that's nothing compared to the psychological scars it viciously reopens in the Hound's battered brainscape. Fire was what melted his face; and certainly explains his threat to the chief archer: "If one of those flaming arrows comes near me, I'll strangle you with your own guts". The Hound is the first to be put out to deal with Stannis' soldiers, issuing the cheery challenge to his men: "If you die with a clean sword, I'll rape your corpse." And yet, he flounders in the flames, and would even have come a cropper had Bronn not been quick with an arrow. Over it, he spits out his resignation with as much hate as he spits out water he's handed as a refresher. And then he pays a visit to...

4. Sansa

...who's been doing her best to survive Cersei's inebriated onslaught. I feel like I may become a broken record about this, but I just ADORE Sansa now. ADORE. She is proving herself to be just as clever and resourceful as her other siblings, including a very queenly effort at boosting morale. By the end of the episode, she's fled back to her room, only to find the Hound there waiting for her. He offers to return her to Winterfell free of charge and/or rape. But does she go? The Wah seems to think she stayed, as the Hound walked to the door without her. But the final image of her hand, clutching a girlish poppet, dropping towards the ground makes me think it could be a bit of "leaving childhood behind" metaphor.

3. Stannis

Stannis is not a man of words. "Come with me and take this city!" and "To the Mud Gate!" and "Bring the ladders!" were probably his longest speeches in the entire episode. But boy is he a man of action. This episode proved all those tales of Stannis' warfaring ability oft-discussed in Series 1. The guy is HARD. CORE. Wildfire scuttles his fleet, but still he leads his army to shore and launches an effective ground attack under attack by fiery arrows and head-squishing rocks (one of the most awesome of a number of very awesome bloodthirsty battle wounds this episode). As Joffrey flees the frontline, the uncle he boasted about besting is first to scale a ladder and start chopping people up in the battlements. His angished call to his troops to "Stand and fight! Stand and fight!" is almost tragic.




2. DRUNK CERSEI!!!!

"And ANOTHER thing..."

Oh, oh, OH, Cersei. War and wine = so much bitterness. This was a glorious episode for Lena Headey, beautifully portraying the caged lion that Cersei undoubtedly is. She resents being born a woman even as she maintains her fierce protectiveness of Joffrey and Tommen. But as we learned a few episodes ago, a mother has no choice in that. She tortures Sansa by demanding her presence as a drinking buddy; but as Shae points out, there is an element of jealousy there. Sansa's family strength is different in so many ways to Cersei's. Sansa still has a future ahead of her; with Stannis bearing down on King's Landing, all Cersei can think about is how to seduce him. Her power has been reduced to "what's between her legs"; most of that a product of the times, but some of it her own doing. Having said that, she is to be admired for her pragmatic approach and acceptance of the potential danger they're all facing. ("If the city falls, these women will be in for a bit of a rape.") No idle prayers or time-wasting singing for this Queen. Gods won't help Cersei, she'll chart her own course. Also, how good was her decorative golden breastplate?


1. Tyrion

HALF MAN! HALF MAN! HALF MAN!

"And MY axe!"

Peter Dinklage better make room in his prize cupboard for another Emmy/Golden Globe/SAG award. He was utterly splendid in this episode. I mentioned earlier how difficult it was to choose a side for this war; the Lannisters won out purely on Tyrion's genius. Ned Stark used to say the only time a man can be brave is when he's afraid, and Tyrion's frank admission of his fear to Shae is exactly what saves him, and King's Landing. He's shit-scared, but he has a job to do. And besides, there's plenty of time for Joffrey to take it in his smug face.


Tyrion also had all the best lines:

On Bronn: "Just because I pay you for your services, doesn't mean we're not friends."

On battle strategy: "We'll come out behind them and f*** them in their arses!"

As the second wave of Stannis' army turns up: "Oh, f*** me."


And then to be sliced across the face but that horrid Kingsguard knight Ser Boris Something Or Other - luckily he took it in the back from Tyrion's sensational new squire Pod. That kid is one to watch. I'm pretty sure Tyrion will be fine, but will pick up another interesting physical feature. Still, I hope he at least gets a kind word from Tywin for his troubles. Well, maybe not a kind word, but at least not a punch in the teeth.

I feel like I've only scratched the surface of this episode. There is so much more to write about, but this post has already taken me too long; I need to prepare for the mopping up to be done in the finale. We've got the Starks, the Greyjoys, Jaime Lannister and Danerys still in play. Let slip the dragons of war!

The Sacha Drake Dress

A strange series of almost-events happened to me during the final week of the election campaign.

A few days out from polling day, I was approached about being a panelist on a weekend news/lifestyle program the morning of March 24. The discussion would be, predictably, state election focused. I believe the criteria had been "female, from radio, not the ABC", so there wasn't a whole lot of choice, but still, it was lovely to be asked.

I grew a little nervous as I don't have much television experience, and to be honest with you, my brain was in such a campaign-induced fugue I doubted my ability to contribute in any constructive way. Plus I'd have to arrive at 6am.

I was pondering this impending date with a live camera on the second-to-last day of campaigning. It was Thursday morning, the realisation that I would be working until 2am Friday had yet to set in, and I'd bought a delicious sausage roll, so was happy enough hanging out while politicians talked to school-kiddies and parents and whatnot.

Then I noticed one of the mothers was wearing a stunningly smart navy blue dress with white trim. It was dead simple, but beautifully cut, and perfectly captured a "professional yet fun" style. All of a sudden I realised the answer to my TV conundrum. A DRESS. If I wore a great dress, then at least I'd look confident and put-together, even if I didn't feel it.

"Excuse me, I'm really sorry, but can I ask where you got your dress?"

"Oh!" the lady laughed at my ambush. "It's a Sacha Drake. I used to do PR for her, and look, I still am!"

Sacha Drake?

"Is it a Brisbane design?" I asked.

"Oh yes!" the lady replied. "She's fantastic. Makes clothes to fit normal women. They hide everything."

I explained my reasons for asking.

"You know she dresses people for TV all the time," the lady replied. "I can give her a call if you like. She'd probably arrange a loaner for you."

Within 15 minutes, this lady (whose name I frustratingly cannot recall, blame campaign brain) had taken my name and details. Before the bus had even left the school precinct to head to the next electorate stop, Sacha Drake herself rang me.

"No problem!" she said cheerfully, when I relayed the story about the TV, and the random dress-related approach to this lovely stranger.

"Are you sure?" I said. "I don't want to inconvenience you, it is just for a brief appearance."

"I'm always happy to see my clothes on TV!" she said. "I'll get my PR girl to give you a call, and work out some options. What size are you?"

"A 14," I said sheepishly.

"So am I!" she replied. "I've got lots of styles that will suit."

Back on the campaign bus another 15 minutes later, and I received a call from Sacha's PR girl. She took down my email address, and promised to send me pictures of size 14 dresses they had easily accessible, so I could choose one and then pick it up from their Brisbane store.

By the time I received the email, I'd googled Sacha Drake and discovered that she was, in fact, quite well-known and much-beloved for her glamourous yet practical designs.

At this point, I got Very. Excited. For the first time in my life, I was going to be Dressed. I'd approached a random lady, and the universe being what it is, somehow found myself being happily offered a dress to wear by an Actual Fashion Designer.

Of course, the universe being what it is, the excitement would only last a few hours.

Later that Thursday afternoon, I checked my emails again to discover a message from the weekend news/lifestyle program. They'd decided to "change tack" with their segment, and didn't have space for me anymore.

But.... but... but... I was getting Dressed! By a Designer! I'd gotten excited! I'D EVEN TOLD MY PARENTS TO WATCH.

It almost broke my heart to write back to Sacha's PR girl and tell them I was very sorry but I wouldn't be needing the dress after all. TV had rejected me. Well, they hadn't rejected me, they'd just changed their format, but still, sleep-deprived and surrounded by politicians, I felt entitled to feel a bit sorry for myself.

These ladies had been so generous to me, without knowing who the hell I was, and I felt like I'd let them down. I resolved I would go to the Sacha Drake boutique in Paddington and damn well buy myself one of her lovely dresses. It took me a while, but I finally managed to get there last weekend.

I spent close to an hour trying on frocks, with the enthusiastic help of a kind assistant. I was so overwhelmed by the time I finally bought something, that when she asked me to input my PIN into the Eftpos machine, I actually just looked up and TOLD HER THE NUMBER. I have never done that before in my life. Obviously I subconsciously wanted Sacha Drake to have all of my money.

Thankfully, she only took enough to allow me to take home this:

This is my Sacha Drake dress. It's called Iris and I love it. I'm probably never going to have the discipline to lose the weight I probably should, but it's reassuring to know that I can still wear nice things that fit the "professional yet fun" category.

I also developed a bit of a crush on this dress:

It's called the Maddison, and while it comes in several different colours, this sapphire is the best. I tried it on and it was heavenly. But I just don't know where I would wear it! Perhaps if I was invited to more special events? Or maybe I could do some sort of challenge where I wear the dress in a bunch of places you wouldn't actually wear a dress like that. Until I come up with a good justification/sufficient cash it will remain a "one day" purchase.

So that's the story of my close encounter with TV and my Sacha Drake dress. Do you have a tale about an item of clothing that gives you a confidence boost?

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E8 Recap

Can you believe there are only two more episodes of Game of Thrones left? I'm becoming a bit despondent about the impending end of Series 2. I'm not quite sure what else there is in life to look forward to, if it's not the wholesale slaughter of characters I've come to know and love like a dysfunctional bunch of hedonistic psychopaths.

Don't forget to catch up on Episode 7 before grabbing your goldcloak, don your mask of bone and strapping in for another installment of Raven On!

Of course, reading onwards entails the brain-bursting discovery of MASSIVE SPOILERS.

Episode 8: Release the C-Bombs!

I'm fairly certain this week's episode contained more c***s than ever before - and they swore a lot too. Boom tish, thank you, thank you, try the veal. Cersei and Tyrion dished a few out, but the winner was definitely Yara, telling off her brother Theon in the Great Hall of Winterfell. I wish I could come up with an equally devastating insult to that colon-swabbing plop-bucket Theon, but I fear Yara took the cake with her own brand of salty repartee.

This was another episode of waiting for the attack on King's Landing/the clash between the northern host and the Lannister army, but still lovely moments and character development. It's all limbs a-flailing for the Starks: Cat give Jaime a leg up to escape; Arya legs it out of Harrenhal; Bran gets his broken legs back in the basement of Winterfell; and Robb gets a leg over the Lady Talisa.

But let's start with the most DELICIOUSLY EVIL scene of the show - Cersei's confrontation with Tyrion over his "little whore". OH MAN. Again, I hate to brag, but I knew from the start that it would be Ros, not Shae, who'd been captured. As much as she's intent on revenge for Myrcella's removal and Joffrey's impending date with combat, it was simply not possible to have Cersei do over her brother that easily. Well, do over Tyrion that easily at any rate. 

"You're a c***."

HOW GOOD was Tyrion's reaction and handling of the situation? He revealed nothing, kept any bubbling emotion locked away. He would be devastatingly good at Tarth Hold 'Em. And his Statement of Doom to Cersei after comforting the shocked Ros was epic.

"Yes, my dear sister, but I think you'll find
you're the one who's completely f***ed."

Initially I thought Tyrion may have set something up, but his panicked return to his room to find Shae and his pleas with her to be more careful proved Cersei had caught him out on that one. They had a really touching moment together, even if it did prove Cersei right that his "little worm" ("It's not that little") does some of his thinking for him.

Someone else who was doing a *teensy* bit of thinking with the downstairs department was Jon Snow. Still up in the wilds beyond the wall, his kindness (horniness?) towards Ygritte turned out to be deadly for a bunch of his fellow Night's Watchmen. "They died because of me?" he asks the captured Quoren. "Make sure it was worthwhile," he replies. The pair of them get roped up and hauled off, presumably to finally meet Mance Rayder.

Meanwhile Sam & co are still on the Fist of the First Men, slaving away shovelling snow, only to find the leftover pack of a Ranger, including shard of obsidian, or "dragonglass". Who left it? My punt is on the still-missing Benjen Stark.

Having been turned loose by Catelyn in a desperate effort to get Sansa and Arya back, Jaime tries to niggle Brienne, who's been sent to deliver him back to King's Landing. I hope she tips him out of the canoe a few times along the way. Meanwhile Catelyn's incurred the wrath of not only her son, but Lord Karstark, and that bloke has a beard you could lose a shadowcat in.

"This is just my summer beard, and winter is coming."

Danerys and her enormous eyebrows are just wondering about in Qarth moaning again about her missing dragons, while Jorah acts all lovetorn and protective. This scene to me felt like it was inserted just to remind you that she's still around and determined and whatnot. Frankly I would've liked to see something of Xaro and the warlocks in their new roles in charge of the Greatest City That Ever Was.

Tywin Lannister is still f***ing awesome. That's what I love about this show; complete bastards who you believe need to die horribly still gain your unswerving respect.

Yay! (Best Moments)

I've seen a bit of disdain for the Robb/Talisa love story on other reviews/recaps - but I don't mind it. There was a great moment when she asked him how he was, only to receive a complete list of all the f***ked things that have happened to him, up to and including having to arrest his own mother for treason. Being King in the North sure isn't a Walk in the Park. But still, after Talisa's lengthy explanation of her journey to becoming a healer, they finally got to strip down to everything but their boots Who knew a childhood near-death experience could be such a turn-on? Of course, it raises a problem for Robb, in that he's supposed to marry one of Lord Walder Frey's daughters in return for safe travel across the Twins, but I guess he'll CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN HE COMES TO IT. (Do you see what I did there?).

Stannis' explanation to Davos, the "Onion Knight" about why he's pursuing the Iron Throne actually made the last Baratheon brother a bit more sympathetic. There the guy was, eating horses and cats to hold Storm's End during the Rebellion, then Robert ups and gives it to Renly. He gave it up, no questions asked, did his duty - no wonder he's pissed off. And wouldn't Davos be a GREAT hand! He's a dude.

Zing (Best Lines)

"Why are all the gods such vicious c***s? Where are the gods of tits and wine?" Tyrion nails it, yet again, while "playing the game" with Varys (a welcome return after a few eps absence).

Bronn: "Me and the lads rounded up all the known thieves."
Tyrion: "For questioning?"
Bronn: "No."
Tyrion: "We've talked about this."
Bronn: "It's just the unknown thieves we have to worry about now."
Bronn remains a DUDE. And judging by his description of life under siege - anyone else reckon he may have been in Storm's End back in Stannis' day?!?

Eww, gross (a skin-crawl moment)

Creepy Rapey Guy takes the bacon yet again. Clever Arya did what I wondered about a few weeks' back - gave Jaccin his own name as the third person he would kill for her. "The girl has no honour," he says, only for Arya to shrug. Honour killed her father, what use is it, really? Much more useful to blackmail a killer to help her escape. The sight of those guards hanging dead on the Harrenhal walls as Arya, Gendry and that little fat kid left was delightfully goose-bumpy.

Boo, sucks

No Sansa! I assume she's done what we all did at some stage when we were teenage girls - use the old "But I've got my period!" excuse to get out of Phys Ed. Or in her case, having to see smug Joffrey's smug face smug prick. Ear to ear grin, my arse. Go stick a knife in your eye. I know Arya is the easy-to-pick Stark sister of choice, but damnit if I don't cheerlead big time for Sansa.

Next week! Tywin's on the overnight march to meet Robb; Stannis' wind should set him ashore at the Mud Gate; and something's going to happen north of the wall. George R.R. Martin has written Episode 9, so LET'S SEE SOME CLASHING SKULLS! And please don't let Robb's moment of pleasure mean he's marked for death now... please....

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E7 Recap

It's quite obvious I'm about as punctual with this Game of Thrones recap as Lord Walder Frey was at the Battle of the Trident. Blame a busy week in Queensland parliament - or as I now call it, the Green Keep - and an exciting weekend of adventures in stage performance.

I was all set to roll up on the couch and get started watching Episode 8, when my friend Dan played the GUILT CARD and asked how I could possibly do that before doing the recap of Episode 7? I cursed myself for an oathbreaker, then I realised it was more fun to curse Dan, so I cursed him for a bit, then sighed and realised I can't beat the GUILT CARD. So hold onto your hats and duck because here comes another low-flying episode of Raven On!

Episode 7: Waiting for Stannis

This week was another marvellous tumble in the world of character development, but rather slow on the action front. I daresay things are going to ramp up significantly in Episode 8 once the last-surviving Baratheon brother descends on King's Landing like Elvis on a bacon sandwich; and once Xaro starts throwing his weight around Qarth like Elvis on a stage in the late 1970s.

The theme that emerged from this episode for me was that of "traps", both set and sprung.

Theon Greyjoy sets off to re-trap Bran, Rickon, Osha and Hodor, who cleverly snuck out of Winterfell at the end of the last episode. He spends this week taunting poor Maester Luwin, while trailing the boys' scent with his hounds. "It's all just a game," he cheerfully tells the kind old man. A game you're going to LOSE, dork-sniggler.

Beyond the wall, Jon is trying to find his brothers of the Night's Watch, while simultaneously trying to control the stalagmite slowly building in his breeches, courtesy of Ygritte, the wildling/free woman. Doesn't she have the filthiest-sounding accent in the entire show? Even dirtier than Ros (who's M-I-A ever since that 'pounding' from Prince Joffrey).

"Can you stop saying 'bone' for just FIVE minutes?!?!"

After all that trudging and cajoling, Jon was about to go for it (I assume the "pulling out his sword" action was symbolism), when whoops, Ygritte pulls the lead, trips Jon over, and a bunch of other wildlings appear. Trap sprung; I guess Jon will now get to meet Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall. Whether he'll get some frosty booty or not remains to be seen.

In Robb Stark's battle camp, Jaime Lannister is literally trapped in a pen, with a a fine bushy beard to show for a few months' imprisonment. Given a cell mate in the former of his cousin, Alton, he spends a fair amount of time building rapport and confidence - before battering the young bloke's head in with his chains in order to distract the guard and escape. Poor form, but not unexpected. However, killing the guard, the son of Lord Karstark, proved a very bad move, as when the Kingslayer is eventually recaptured, the bannermen start fighting amongst themselves about how quickly they can knock his block off. Lady Catelyn goes to see him, and after a fair bit of taunting, she asks Brienne for her sword. Is she going to kill him - or free him?

In the Red Keep - the ultimate gilded cage - Cersei is educating Sansa about "flowering" into a woman. Sansa's own body has trapped her, betrayed her, as it inevitably would. Curse you, biology! Our favourite little dove was offered some some hard truths about surviving the transition to womanhood, and how best to protect her heart against Joffrey. For me, Cersei has fundamentally become a tragic figure. Again, it's all her own fault, but you can't help but wonder how truly awesome she could've been if only she'd been more like Tyrion, and less like Tywin or Jaime. Speaking of Tyrion, he seems to have definitively pinned down the truth about his twin siblings. Throwing out a last-ditch bait line of "Joffrey is more Robert than Jaime," only to have it shrugged off by Cersei, Tyrion is now fully in charge of the Lannister's future at King's Landing. In a touching moment, he almost reached out to embrace a distraught Cersei. Almost.

Which only leaves the question - does TYWIN know?

So my legacy is one imp and a pair of incestuous in-breeding psychos?

The head lion is still holed up at Harrenhal, having delightful fireside chats with Arya about legends and warriors and the best way to pretend to be low-born. Tywin is trapped by his own need to leave a legacy; Arya by Tywin's protection. Gosh these scenes are enjoyable to watch.

Over in Qarth, Dany is whinging about her dragons. She essentially flips off Xaro's promises to help, only to collapse emotionally near the arms of faithful old Jorah. Speaking of which, The Wah drew my attention to this charming graphic, which sums up poor Jorah's predicament.

Jorah has another meeting with that mysterious face-plated priestess woman, who I'm sure is probably his ex-wife or something. She gets his assurance he won't betray Dany again, then sends him off to the Council of Thirteen just in time to find that Xaro and Creepy Warlock have been in cahoots to steal the dragons and launch a coup. Xaro is now the King of Qarth.

Yay! (Best Moments)

Shae flipping the knife on the other handmaiden after discovering Sansa's menses (Sanses? Mensa?) had set in. Sadly it did no good; the Hound had already sniffed it out. Oh, I just realised what I said.

The appearance of Tyrion just near the end. I hadn't realised I was missing him until he appeared and I mentally yelled "F*** YEAH TYRION WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN HIM BEFORE NOW SERIOUSLY."

Zing! (Best Line)

Tywin: I can't say I've ever met a literate stonemason.
Arya: Have you met many stonemasons, my lord?
Tymin: Careful now.

Jaime (on seeing Brienne): Is that a woman?

Eww, gross (a skin-crawl moment)

"They don't have teeth." - Ygritte. That's Ygritty.

Maester Luwin's fresh take on the grief-stricken "Nooooo" on seeing the burned bodies of two children hanging from the walls of Winterfell. It's fairly obvious they're the poor orphan boys Bran sent to help the farmer a few episodes back, but Maester Luwin's not to know that, and his gutteral reaction was ... well, gut-wrenching.

Boo, sucks (a downside)

Fricking Dan guilting me into doing this before fricking watching fricking Episode 8 fricking frick.

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E6 recap

With all these noble houses and sigils, and lords and ladies indulging their petty squabbles, and political intrigues turning to outright bloody battle - you could be forgiven for forgetting Westeros even has a civilian population. Our occasional reminders are the unfortunate recruits at Castle Black and prisoners at Harrenhal; and the wounded soldiers, tended to by healers like Lady Talisa.

But finally it seems the Andal Spring may have hit Westeros - at least at King's Landing. So batten down the hatches, unleash the dogs of war (or should that be Hounds?) and get ready for another episode of Raven On!

I should remind you that if you read on from this point, you will come across MASSIVE SPOILERS.

Episode 6. Singing the Song of Angry Men

By the old Gods, Theon Greyjoy is a cock-snaggling douche crevasse. Sauntering into Winterfell with his saliferous sea-dog sidekicks and demanding Bran Stark yield control of the place. Sweet little thing, he was so brave, but ultimately acted to protect his people, even if they were happy to call Theon out as a scum-sucking piece of arse biscuit.

Mind you, you have to give Greyjoy props for moving quickly. I mean, just last week he was boarding the Sea Bitch with a ragtag bunch of salty misfits - now he's captured Torrhen's Square, then sailed on to Winterfell without so much as a stop for a quick shag.

I've got to dip my hat to Alfie Allen, who plays Theon. He's probably second only to Joffrey now as the lord you love to hate. The expression in his face after his execution of Ser Rodrik went utterly, terribly wrong was amazing. He beautifully conveyed Theon's recognition that in that moment, he crossed a line. If he'd let Ser Rodrik live, there may have been a chance to reconcile with Robb, or at the very least, be exiled back to the Iron Islands or scoot up to The Wall.  But now, some part of him - a part he's already blusteringly pretending to ignore - knows he's doomed to be Robb Stark's next mantlepiece favour.

After last week's shocking lack of any nudity, Osha got her baps out for Winterfell and proved she's quite the resourceful friend to Bran and Rickon. I can't wait for their adventures on the run.

I found this image via Regretsy, of all places. Kudos.
I'm going to have to consider a Hodor-kini myself next summer.

Speaking of temptresses, Jon Snow finds himself in a chilly conundrum up beyond the wall. Separated from his brothers-in-black after failing to kill a captured female wildling, he finds himself both chasing after her, and cuddling up to her. Jon's inherited a fair bit of the Stark sense of honour, but can he resist the red-haired chick's saucy spooning forever?

Over in Qarth, Danerys is looking smoking hot in her intricately-wrought golden armour, so much so that I *really* want to lose 20 kilos, dye my hair and take up cos-playing. I can't decide if Emilia Clarke, who plays Dany, is a really *good* actor, who captures the Khaleesi's occasional bursts of childishness well ("Give me my ships! Now!"), or if her portrayal is just a bit two-dimensional. Either way, the Spice King isn't interested in her cause, she won't marry Zaro, and now someone's taken her dragons. I can only assume it's one of the warlocks, as that stone tower seen at the very end of the episode did look like it could be their hideout, the House of the Undying.

There was some absolutely gorgeous character interplay between Tywin and Arya at Harrenhal this week. I particularly enjoyed the revelation of Jaime Lannister's dyslexia, and Tywin's father almost ruining the family name. They gave such an insight into Tywin's hard-bitten nature. Here is a man who does not tolerate weakness, and yet he is not wholly unkind, as evidenced by his growing fondness for his little cup-bearer.

Robb Stark spent some time cracking onto Lady Talisa, before cracking up at news from Winterfell. "I told you never to trust a Greyjoy!" cried Catelyn. I thought Robb could've been justified in throwing back a "Well, you trusted Littlefinger, so shut up," but it wouldn't be a kingly thing to do. Oooh, Robb. Let me comb your hair and polish your amour... I mean, armour...

But the BIG explosive event this week was the riot in King's Landing. The peasants are revolting! Ah, that joke never gets old. Suddenly and brutally, Joffrey got a karmic kickdown.

It was also great to see the Hound joining in on the comeuppance delivery. "I want them executed!" cries Joffrey. "They want the same for you," growls back Sandor Clegane. And I knew he'd be the one who'd rescue Sansa from marauders. "You're safe now, little bird." There's more to the relationship between those two.

Yay! (Best Moments)

This.

Watch it again, go on.

ANGRY LORD TAKING IT IN THE NECK WITH A POISON DART. So, so good. While Creepy Rapey Guy is still a bit creepy, and still a bit rapey, I'm beginning to develop a certain affection for him. But Arya better choose her third victim carefully. I wonder what would happen if she chose him? Would he top himself? I doubt it, but there didn't seem to be any obvious clause precluding him from the picking.

Zing! (Best Line)

As Cersei bade farewell to her little daughter Myrcella, she told Tyrion that she hoped he would know the feeling of true love for someone, then pledged to take that person away from him. OUCH. Watch out Shae.

Eww, gross (a skin-crawl moment)

Apart from Ser Rodrik's beheading? Well, there was Littlefinger's appearance at Harrenhal, and he's always creepy. Plus the sight of all those dead Dothraki guards in Qarth was pretty horrid.

Boo, sucks (a downside)

Still no Stannis. I guess he's still sailing, and that battle is up next week. Until then, my Westerosi chums!

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E5 Recap

Raise the banners, get your weapons of mass destruction ready and swear fealty to whichever King looks nicer in his battle armour - it's time for another edition of Raven On, the world's 134,567th best Game of Thrones recap series!

Before we start, I thought I'd share this fantastic map of Westeros that I found online. Really helps me as a touchstone whenever I start getting confused about where cities, castles, waterways and other landmarks are in relation to each other.

Now, as per usual, reading beyond this point entails discovering MASSIVE SPOILERS.

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E4 Recap

I must doff my cap and offer humble apologies for the tardiness of this week's Game of Thrones recap. I spent the week in the sultry climes of the South Pacific, wiling away the hours in a dreamy haze of sunshine and tropical punch.

Actually, what I was doing for much of it was reading the first book of George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire. I'm about two-thirds of the way through it, and so far it's left me even more impressed with the TV series. The adaptation of Book One into Series One is truly terrific, capturing its epic nature and faithfully following the multiple narrative threads. And so far, the bits they've left out are completely justifiable.

So it was something of a shock to be jolted back into new territory, rather than the now-familiar tales of Season One. But WHAT a jolt it was. So raise the standards, remember to breathe, and here comes another edition of Raven On.

Once again, reading on from this point means MASSIVE SPOILERS.

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E3 Recap

It wasn't really in doubt, but this week's Game of Thrones episode proved conclusively that Tyrion Lannister is the best character ever committed to celluloid. Ever. Full stop. OK, fine, except maybe Xena and James Bond.

But maybe that's just my opinion. Let's see what yours is - after we put the iron in your islands and the baby in your belly, with another Game of Thrones recap!

And now, be warned ... MASSIVE SPOILERS.

Raven On: Game of Thrones S2E2 Recap

Sound the alarums, alert the bannermen and for the old gods' sake get some clothes on - it's time for another Game of Thrones recap!

Ah, Raven On. I'm still utterly delighted with that name.

Thanks to those of you who read and commented on the first installment. My plan to do recaps was actually mentioned on the most recent Televised Revolution podcast; admittedly after co-host Dan described TV recaps as "the worst thing ever". So I just wanted to reiterate that these are meant to be a bit of fun. I read the wonderful recap on the i09 last week, which was practically thesis-like in its discussion of broad themes and how they played out on a personal level in the first episode. I can't see mine being that lofty; more an excuse for a bunch of nob gags.

So here now comes the jump cut; if you click and expand you may read MASSIVE SPOILERS.

Game of Thrones S2: Ep1 Recap

I've decided I can no longer resist the siren call of that brave literary form that eventually entices all internet participants to crack their knuckles, knuckle down, and have a crack at:

Writing episode-by-episode fan-service recaps on epic genre television productions.

My love of the political-fantasy series Game of Thrones was born last year, when I ravenously devoured all 10 episodes over just a few days.

I haven't been obsessing over Series 2 - mostly because I was too busy on the state election trail to look up sneak previews and trailers. But I tell you what, the thought of another bloody serve of political machinations and brutal campaign life was sometimes the only thing that kept me going through another bloody serve of political machinations and brutal campaign life.

Now THAT's a visual metaphor.

And given my predilection for being slack with blog posts, I thought perhaps having a regular content feeder might be a good incentive to, you know, write.

The only thing left was to decide on a name. I needed something that reflected a recognisable element of Game of Thrones, and also one that underscored the communicative nature not just of recap posts, but of my role as a writer in general. A nod to potentially obsessive fandom craziness was a must, but above all, the title had to be suitably punny.

And I think you'll agree, the following hits all those points in just two striking words.

Dan once again answers my Photoshop help signal

Yes, the raven, the iPhone of Westeros, faster than 3G in a valley and more responsive to capacitive touch.

Now, whenever you do anything on the internet that will contain MASSIVE SPOILERS, it is imperative that you point out very boldly that your post will contain MASSIVE SPOILERS.

But I should also point out the perspective on how I view this series, so you understand my context.

I have NOT read the books. I came to Series 1 a complete n00b. I have seen all of Series 1 (several times over), and am watching Series 2 without any knowledge of what is to come.

So the rules of the recaps are:

*You don't need to have read the books; but you should have seen all of Series 1. There are some spoilers that I really don't want to ruin. Go get it on DVD, devour it, then come back and join us for the fun.

*I will always use a jump cut to hide the spoilers, and will be as obvious as I can to prevent you from accidentally finding out things. But at the end of the day, it's the internet. You have to use your own discretion. And I will be mentioning spoilers. Just in case you thought I was just saying that to be extra careful. Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers.

*If you HAVE read the books - awesome. Love your work. I haven't yet decided if I want to, and I'm quite happy at this point having the story revealed to me in the televisual medium. So please feel free to comment (I'd love a discussion!), but don't list any future spoilers in the comments. If I see them, I will delete them immediately - but of course that won't stop me from seeing them. So play nice!

Now, below is the jump cut. If you click on that and expand the post, there will be MASSIVE SPOILERS.

Winter is coming. Enjoy!

Winning... Something. Anything.

Maybe it's all this election business that's been on of late, but for some reason I've got the hankering to win something.

It doesn't have to be a 77-seat majority in the Queensland parliament; I think that might be over-egging the pudding (for everyone, really).

But it's been... I don't know... years since I actually *won* anything. Like a prize, or a trophy, or a certificate.

I know it's trivial, and not necessarily reflective of your general success in life, etc etc, blah blah blah - but who doesn't like to be picked out for something ahead of a bunch of other people? I'm sure scientists work hard on weighty matters concerning the nature of the universe because they're passionate about learning and understanding, but come on. You think they've never once thought about a Nobel Prize? Even just a little?

Five 90s Sitcoms You've Probably Forgotten

The 1990s were a decade with VCRs, and eventually, dial-up internet. But they lacked high-speed data-sharing and Doctor Who, so it was hardly living, really. We watched our television when the free-to-air networks told us to, and we never knew that we were often missing bits and pieces that they'd chop out to make the ads fit. If, like me, you spent the majority of your childhood/teens in the 90s, then you'll probably share a certain sensibility about that era's TV: of sitting through rivers of crap waiting for the occasional nugget of gold.

I watched Seinfeld, which began "revolutionising" sitcoms, according to people who know about TV and comedy and such. Thinking back, I guess I could tell it was different, only because they didn't have the Full House-style, soppy "I've learned a lesson" scene at the end of every episode. Although the "TV has really changed" lightning bolt for me was Monica on Friends telling someone she "had to pee". Woah! Never once in all the books I read as a kid, or all the TV shows I'd seen before, had anyone ever said they needed to use the facilities. The Faraway Tree didn't have an amenities block. Mollie and Peter never parked The Wishing Chair to drop the kids off at the pool. Trixie Belden didn't have to take a quiet squat while spying on a suspicious farmhouse.

Apart from that I think the only shows with real comic "credibility" I watched during my teens were the Rik Mayal/Adrian Edmondson brawlfest Bottom, sci-fi comedy Red Dwarf (although some tell me post-season-3 doesn't count) and current affairs satire Frontline.

But I sure as hell watched a lot of sitcoms. Most were American. Most were dodgy. Many of them would be familiar to you: Home Improvement, The Nanny, Married... With Children, Family Matters.

If you can say "Did I do that?" without echoing Steve Urkel's nasally style,
then congratulations.  You are probably capable of conversing with strangers.

But what about the more obscure works in situationally comedic ouevre? Here's a few you probably don't care to remember - if you ever saw enough to forget in the first place.

Quite... Something.

I saw the QI Live stage show on Monday 31 October.

I left partly delighted, but mostly really cranky.

Here I will try to explain why.