Feb 20, 2008
Lindsay "does" Marilyn
I have been a huge fan of Marilyn Monroe for about 15 years. I just adore the woman, and it's a adoration that extends beyond those iconic images - images that continue to be aped to this day, to convey glamour and beauty, or perhaps even a tragic sense of wasted talent, or early death.
So it's with some trepidation that I viewed Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan's re-creation of Marilyn's last official photo shoot - the Bert Stern series. It was with some amazement that I realised Bert Stern himself was the photographer, and personally approved the choice of Lindsay "DUI" Lohan.
The thing is, I can see that Lindsay "Charlie" Lohan does have a touch of the vulnerability that made the public so warm to Monroe. But in my opinion, she doesn't quite get there. Don't get me wrong, they're good photos (they're by Stern, after all), but when you compare... well, you just can't compare, can you? After all, Marilyn had the wide-eyed innocence and enthusiasm of youth, wrapped up in the sensual body of a Greek goddess. But one of the most important things about the Stern series is that it portrayed the reality of the 36-year-old Marilyn. She had a gallbladder surgery scar, and breasts starting to head south. Her body was still firm, but her face was beginning to show lines - not unflattering, not career-destroying, but natural, and normal, and beautiful. The Stern series shows a woman, still youthful, but not young. A woman on the cusp of a new era, personally and professionally. Sadly, Marilyn's accidental death on August 5 1962 cut the promise of the Stern photo series short.
To me, what the Stern series of Lindsay "Rehab" Lohan shows is a 21-year-old former child star seeking to ally herself with the "good" Hollywood qualities of beauty, on screen presence and star power - handy after a series of Golden Razzie-worthy film appearances and no end of off-screen tabloid dramas. Sure, Marilyn took (prescription) drugs and drank too much champagne, but she had the good sense not to drive home. Sure, Marilyn enjoyed the company of some shady characters, but at least she didn't hang out with the Hiltons.
However, there is one thing this Lindsay "Rehab" Lohan photoshoot really brought home to me - the size of Lindsay's norks. Man. They're huge! Who would've thought that? She's always so stick-thin, wandering about the place. Gives the impression she'd be a bit of a Keira Knightley in the top-bollocks department. But no. The girl's stacked. And as a fellow member of the Jumbo Jugs club, I salute her, and recommend underwiring.