What do the phrases "honda jazz high pitch noise", "arab boobs in hammam", and "cramping and a hard stomach" have in common?
They are all some of the more eyebrow-raising search terms keen Googlers have used to stumble upon girlclumsy.com.
A few months ago I signed on to Google Analytics and installed the tracking code on the blog here. A few weeks ago I pondered why the data gathering seemed to have stopped - then I realised they would have been lost during my recent template makeover.
So I reinstalled, and while looking through the back-up-and-running reports, I examined my keyword searches, getting confused and amused along the way.
Coming in at number one and two (with a whole three searches each) are the phrases "flashpacking" and "girlclumsy sellout and the city". But they're not too surprising really. A few searches for variations of my nickname - girl clumsy, GirlClumsy, clumsy - round out the top five, but then things start getting interesting.
Coming in at number 12 is the extraordinary "'his penis' me flashers or perverts -fisting -anal", just ahead of "spencer jolly" at number 13. This has settled an age-old question for me on what's more popular - sexual fetishes or Channel Nine political journalists. Who woulda thunk it?
Further down at 18 is "arab boobs in hammam", with "boobie bungalow" at number 20. Again, somewhat surprised that boobs are so in-demand on the internet. I thought we used this great international tool to connect with people. Obviously I was assuming we'd connect brain-to-brain.
My adventures in Morocco at least seem to be helpful to some people: at 21 is "buy condoms in fez morocco", with "chefchaouen hash" at 22. I don't recall doing either of those things during my time in Morocco, but perhaps I'd been too distracted by the hammam boobies.
"Clumpsy virgin getting bumped by some guy" was number 24, which surely must be the most awkward porno title ever.
The unfortunate feminine hygiene issues I suffered during the Trans-Mongolian rail journey crop up a fair bit, with "cramping and a hard stomach", "'diflucan' scratch myself" and "don't get stomach cramps" at 28, 29 and 30.
The 40s have some interesting search terms: the mystifying "honda jazz high pitch noise" at 41; the question we all ask at some point "how do I find the value of my faberge egg" at 42; "how to write a love song/format" at 43; and "im so clumsy and miserable" at 44, which I can't believe I hadn't thought of myself as the catchphrase for this site.
I must admit to giggling heartily at search term number 55 - "my wife won't adopt my surname" - as I'm fairly certain the dude who typed that one in wouldn't have liked my views on that topic at all.
Some further investigation found that the person who searched for "nipple pierced strippers" is located in South Africa, and I certainly hope he went on to find his preferred type of exotic dancer, especially amidst all that crazy social unrest going on there right now.
Porn rears its ugly head again at number 61 with "pics horse urine girl". Isn't it great to see people incorporating both bestiality and golden showers into their love lives? Search term 71 seems to be about a commercial I certainly have never seen - "tampon gets stuck to a dog advert". Ewww.
Number 75 made me cheer - "the truth terry pratchett play brisbane". Hooray! Someone searching for a topic I actually wrote about! But 79 plunged me back into confusion: "woman long hair brusing & oiling photo gallery". I don't recall putting up any self-portaits of me liberally applying Winn's Spitfire, and I haven't had long hair for years.
Coming in at number 81 - the last on my list of search terms - is "£5 haircut". Now I did have one of those back in 2004 in Soho, London. But I'm not sure if my experience of having my mane chopped by a Portugese woman is really what that Googler was looking for.
So how did you find Girl Clumsy? Did you come for the witty banter - or did you just get waylaid in your hunt for extreme pornography?