It's been a bit bleak around South-East Queensland this week - what with all of these incredible storms.
But you know, you can always count on a bizarre sexual deviant to brighten your day.
I call your attention to this story about a flasher in Newcastle, which I've already noticed spreading 'round the net faster than viral herpes. Hmm - an appropriate analogy, really.
This 46-year-old man decided his love of pasta sauce wasn't something to be ashamed of, or kept hidden away in the deep dark recesses of his well-stocked pantry. He decided to put the car in carbonara, and go parking with his best jar to get the Leggo's over.
And where did this vehicular menage a'marinara occur? Where else - but near Nobby's Beach.
Now what prompts a man to go balls deep in a jar of bolognese? Sure it's a rich blend of tomatoes, garlic and onions, but is it really that arousing? Perhaps he'd punted for one of those new-fangled versions - Tuscan garden vegetables or four cheeses - and just couldn't take the temptation any longer.
But the man's Latina Fresh encounter was seen, and it wasn't long before the police turned up, prompting a chase through nearby suburbs. The police finally got the car to stop, but had to use capsicum spray to try to force the man out. The presence of more fragrant vegetables must have sent the man wild, as he struggled with police as they attempted to remove him from the car. Officers stated he still had a 750ml jar wrapped around his genitals, and continued "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling". The man later told a court he had been attempting to "make himself decent". Either way, it's something I think we'd all love to see incorporated into official World Wrestling Federation title bouts.
In the above article's most hilarious line, police then conducted a search of the vehicle, which uncovered "pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier."
I think we're all feeling just a little bit sorry for that dog right now. For one thing, he probably rarely got leftovers on fettucine alfredo night.
Ultimately, this man was fined $600 for offensive behaviour, wiping the Dolmio grin from his face - for a while at least.
But I think we all want to know - what's next for this man's particular perversion? Chicken Tonight, complete with flapping arm movement? A move to Indian foods to spice things up, with some Patak's famous korma or butter chicken simmer sauces? Or will he do it all for the gnocchi?
Ahh. It's times like this that I'm just glad my penne is mightier than my sauce.