Mar 13, 2009

World of Douchebags #1

Fresh off the wires this morning - apparently Jennifer "America's Sweetheart" Aniston and John "My Body is a Wonderland" Mayer have ended their relationship. For a second time.

You can practically hear Mary Hart's voice screeching in your head, can't you? Either that, or there's just a long dull flat resounding noise - the sound of where your hope that humanity had a depth of interest in public affairs beyond tabloid guttersniping used to be. You get used to that droning after a while.

But I thought I'd use this opportunity to begin what I'm hoping might become a semi-regular feature of Girl Clumsy Dot Com - World of used to do something similar, but it's defunct now, and frankly ripe for the plagiarising.

Nomination for Douchebag #1: John Mayer.

I mean, look at him. He oozes Eau de Douchebag through his slimy, fake-tanned pores. Look at that smug grin. Look at that greasy, wannabe Pierce Brosnan hair. And as for the faux-velvet suit and "Look, I'm an individual" rose-wine tie... oh, somebody get me a shower. I feel dirty.

But apparently, chicks dig John Mayer. He's sensitive or some other rot. When will girls learn that just because a dude has tattoos and can pluck out some sappy tunes on an acoustic guitar, doesn't mean he needs you to help him get over his hurt and his pain?

Oh no. John Mayer looks exactly like the kind of guy who'd smooth-talk you at a shopping centre when you're having a particularly bad hair day, then weasel his way into your house, subject you to some slimy groping up against the fridge, then steal your ATM card to buy flowers for his Mum. Everyone else will think he's lovely, but you know the lonely, frizzy, chilly-arsed truth.

You may look somewhat horsey, Jennifer Aniston, but you can do better than John Mayer.

Do I have any seconds for the notion: John Mayer = Douchebag?


  1. THEY.BROKE.UP????????????????????


  2. Sorry Clumsy,

    You're off the map on this one. John Mayer is the man women want and the man men want to be. Talented and earnest for the ladies. Self-deprecating and good natured for the blokes. You couldn't have picked a less suitable candidate for your douche-file.

    Check out his stand up comedy, his Bear Stunt or his Song writing process

    If you don't like his songs that's fine. They're for a particular demographic, but don't write off the man using just what you know from the trashy magazines.

  3. Oh, I'm not basing anything on trashy magazines. It's been months since I've read a trashy magazine.

    I'm basing this one completely on physical appearance.

  4. "You may look somewhat douchey, John Mayer, but you can do better than Jennifer Aniston."

  5. The first time I heard John Mayer sing I thought I was about to throw up (seriously). There's just something about his voice that was like nails on a chalk board.

    Any chance you could douchebag Queer Eye for a Straight Guy?

  6. God... I second the notion. I have a much more fitting name for him, but shall refrain from offending people with it.

    Annoying music, annoying ex-girlfriend, annoying habbit of getting in to the "entertainment media", annoying face, annoying try hard tattoo's - all equal massive douche bag.

  7. In a shocking display of no idea, what's her name was back with who?

  8. "John Mayer is the man women want and the man men want to be"

    *sing-song* Dan's got a man-crush. Dan's got a man-crush! */sing-song*

    Will it develop into a Bro-mance?

    ..and.. who is this guy, again?

  9. Two years ago I saw John Mayer's stand-up online and that's when I started my "toolshed" list that I pull out every once in awhile. John Mayer is a massive tool who belongs in a toolbox locked tightly away in a toolshed. A toolshed in a galaxy far, far away.

    Kudos, Girl Clumsy! I am totally with you on this.

  10. I'm getting an earworm of the closing credit song from that South Park episode about John Edward: 'World's greatest douche, that's yoooooou....'

    Mayer: douche. Blunt: mega mega mega douche.

  11. Wait a minute... what has he actually DONE that makes you consider him a douchebag?

    I like his music. I couldn't care less about his private life or what he looks like. I followed him on Twitter for a bit hoping that he'd link me up with some new tunes, but he talks a lot of shit so I unfollowed him.

    But to say "I'm basing this one completely on physical appearance." is pretty lame. Go for the douchebag status if he's screwing around on his partner or slapping her around, but on the basis of what he LOOKS LIKE? Come on!

    Now Chris Brown? THAT is a douchebag.

    Disappointing post Nat. Sorry but calling douchebag on someone's looks alone... *shakes head sadly*

  12. I'm pretty certain we all make value judgements about people on shallow grounds at various times in our lives. I've stated it's a completely arbitrary position I've taken; if we shadows have offended, think on this and all is mended.

    Some may look up at the stars and see the Face of God.

    Some may look down through a microscope and see the Face of Science.

    I look at pictures or TV reports about John Mayer and see the Face of Douchebag.

    Perhaps the issue is my definition of "Douchebag".

    It's a relatively hard concept to define exactly. It's the kind of person who thinks they're pretty cool, but in fact they're a bit full of it. They're generally overly twattish.

    As for Chris Brown... well. I wouldn't have even considered the term "douchebag" for him. "Douchebag" is an insult, sure, but it retains some remnants of jokiness about it.

    Chris Brown, if allegations against him are proven in a court of law, would simply be labelled truthfully in any blog post of mine.





    ...for starters.

  13. I'd never heard of the guy, but after what he did to you against the fridge before taking your credit card? Total douchebag.

  14. I read this today :

    Apparently she dumped him because he had a twitter obsession.

    - A.

  15. But if he didn't like twits then they wouldn't have dated...