Queensland’s economic blueprint was splattered in blood and gore Tuesday, as Treasurer Andrew Fraser announced massive $18 billion spending spree and an immediate increase in organ consumption.
“This is undoubtedly the toughest budget Queenslanders have had to face in many years,” said the Treasurer, as he ripped into the skull of a departmental media adviser.
“We understand it means hardship for some, but we must protect the infrastructure program, job creation and our insatiable bloodlust. We need fresh ideas from fresh, tasty brains to get the budget – unlike this recently decapitated corpse - out of the red.”
Queenslanders had already expected the slashing of the 8 cents a litre fuel subsidy, but Mr Fraser admitted the slashing of the carotid arteries of anyone within a five-metre radius of a service station would put an extra burden on motorists.
“It’s unfortunate, but we hope a positive side-effect will be an uptake in public transport,” said Mr Fraser. “This will benefit our massed armies of the undead, who will help us improve our Standard & Poor’s credit rating through an orgiastic, cannibalistic feast on trapped commuters.”
Questions from the parliamentary media gallery about how this would work were silenced by the blood-curdling screams of two ABC reporters, whose recording devices were savagely torn from their hands, and their hands in turn savagely torn from their bodies.
Gary Fites from motor lobby group RACQ has been listed by Queensland Police as “missing, presumed devoured”, and could not be contacted for comment.
Opposition Leader John-Paul Langbroek said Mr Fraser's second budget was a disastrous one for Queensland. "It's going to take eight years to pay off this government's reckless spending program," he said.
Asked if he had already suffered permanent brain damage during the budget lock-up briefing, Mr Langbroek looked confused. "I'm fine," he said. "This is what I usually sound like."
Further screams were then heard from the parlimentary media gallery. "Now that's really terrifying," said one AAP correspondent.