Saturday 22 August: Mother
It's a poor start to the experiment, which I've christened 7days7drinks in order to keep better track of my posts on Twitter. Mother is bitter, sour, tangy and bland all at once. Mostly it's awful. 500ml of awful. Mind you, it doesn't help that the can I'm consuming has been sitting in my fridge for well over a year. I don't know that energy drinks "age", so much as "stay the same godawful formula forever and ever amen". In my tweets, I describe it as tasting like loneliness. It takes me over 7 hours to drink 3/4 of the can. The thought of trying to finish it is almost enough to bring on tears. And I'm drinking the stuff AFTER it was re-formulated to make it less shit. BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD, COCA-COLA.
Most descriptive tweet: "Is this supposed to make your teeth tingle? It's like I've been chewing on alfoil. Only slightly less grating."
Most insane tweet: "I don't have enough life stories. Jesus, that's bad. Couldn't ever be a comedian with my shameful lack of personal anecdotes". (What was I thinking? What could I have possibly been thinking?)
Most humourous on-can promo line: It's all completely stupid, and obviously appealing to the young male demographic. Hence my favourite: "BEST SERVED FREEZE YOUR NUTS OFF COLD". I wondered what must have happened to my own nuts, but then I remembered I'd been drinking Mother. THEY VANISHED IN THE PIERCING COLD.
Sunday 23 August: Monster Energy (Lo-Carb)
Despite containing virtually the same ingredients as Mother, my tweets record that I find it more pleasant-tasting. Thank goodness for small mercies. It doesn't seem to perk me up too much though; but then perhaps drinking it over 8 hours means it doesn't have the impact it could.
Most descriptive tweet: "I'm on the Lo-Carb Monster. It's kind of like Frankenstein being gluten-free. Or a vegetarian werewolf. Loses a little punch."
Most insane tweet: "4 mins to news, I knocked my water bottle over my desk. Proves MONSTER didn't keep me alert enough to avoid clumsiness." (All right, this isn't THAT insane, but spilling water everywhere pretty much drove me nuts. At least I found the nuts after the Mother whisked them away).
Most humourous on-can promo line: "We went down to the lab and performed major surgery on the Monster. We hacked out carbohydrates and calories, transplanted the massive buzz and dialed in the flavour". OH I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, MONSTER. THAT'S LIKE FRANKENSTEIN 'N' SHIT.
Monday 24 August: Rockstar (Juiced)
It's a brand new Monday, and I'm super-excited to be drinking Rockstar. 'Cause secretly, you know, I AM a Rockstar. I've bought the "Juiced" variety in the hope it will give me a break from the nasty twang of taurine on teeth. It actually does go down easier, thanks to the mango-orange-passionfruit 50% juice concentrate. Hang on, 50% juice CONCENTRATE? Hang on, what's the sugar count on this bad boy? 9.4 grams per 100ml? ARE YOU INSANE? The Monster yesterday only had 1.3 grams per 100ml. And I'm drinking 473ml of this stuff, because Rockstar obviously enjoys being weird. And sugary. And keen on hardening my arteries.
Most descriptive tweet: "I am powering through this ROCKSTAR. 2/3rds gone in three hours. Guess the juice helps it go down quicker. HARDCORE."
Most insane tweet: "I do seem to be less zombie-fied - possibly 'cause I got a luxurious 5 hours' sleep. After NO nap. Hmmm, indulgent." (Again, not THAT insane, but by goodness, you can really see the ridiculousness of my sleeping patterns, can't you?)
Most humourous on-can promo line: "ROCKSTAR JUICED is scientifically formulated for those who lead active and exhausting lifestyles - from athletes to rock stars." FINALLY, SOMETHING BONO AND USAIN BOLT CAN AGREE ON.
Tuesday 25 August: Insane Energy (Sugar Free)
Well, thank Christ for that "sugar free" version. The zeros on the nutritional table are a welcome sight for my poor blood, heart, fat cells and whatever else I'm slowly destroying.
Most descriptive tweet: "After an initial distaste, I'm really sucking down this INSANE drink. My body is obviously conditioned now to taurine horror."
Most insane tweet: "On today's menu: INSANE ENERGY. Meanwhile, Schapelle Corby has reportedly "gone insane". COINCIDENCE?!"
Most humourous on-can promo line: The back of the can features a number of ha-ha-ha lines about why the good people behind Insane Energy have, in fact, been declared INSANE. These include "We thought the insanity test was a to-do list" and "We thought padded rooms were loads of fun" and "Two personalities are better than one". All I can say is that IT'S A PITY YOUR OTHER PERSONALITY ISN'T BETTER AT WRITING HUMOUROUS ON-CAN COPY YOU BASTARD.
What will happen to our intrepid Girl Reporter in the final three days? It's most likely going to be a continued spiral into taurine overdose and an off-her-nana-guarana binge, but stay tuned anyway for the thrilling conclusion to ... Seven Days, Seven Drinks!