It's a great opportunity for sanctamonious teetotallers like me to get all up on our high horses and sniff at the sad drunken plebs who so enjoy their loosened inhibitions and ability to relax. It sucks being a control freak, it really does.
Except I'm NOT a control freak, really. I'm actually a giant bladder of self-indulgence, a veritable cornucopia of disgusting habits and poor life choices. So while I'm perfectly at ease refusing the manna from heaven that is fermented plant matter in all its forms, throw a block of Top Deck at me and it'll be gone faster than an unpopular Prime Minister.
This made me think, deeply and personally, about just how I could turn a serious public health awareness campaign like Dry July into a harebrained scheme to provide blog content and possibly amusing Twitter updates. I realised there were MANY things I could give up for July - shopping at Priceline, watching history documentaries, hating on Apple - but I've decided to do something drastic. Something almost.... revolutionary.
I'm going to give up chocolate.
Even as I type that, a cold sweat has broken out over my forehead and I feel a little weak. I have been a card-carrying chocolate addict for many years\
I've given up chocolate once before. Back when I was 18, I gave up chocolate for three months. Three months! I was in my second year of uni, and going to the gym fairly regularly. I think I weighed about 67kg at the time. Oh happy days. Anyway, I can't remember the reason or motivation for giving up chocolate at that time, but I successfully stopped eating it for three months.
"Fabulous," I thought, in my foggy brain. "It's suckful, but this 'extreme disease' diet has really paid off." Except of course for that fateful day when I regained my appetite and was well enough to leave the house. First thing I bought was a bag of Malteasers. They tasted AMAZING. And I've NEVER LOOKED BACK.
|Thank goodness she put on that bodysuit |
to cover up her HIDEOUS FLAWS.
Finally I should point out I'm NOT doing this for charity, or to detract in any way from the good work of the Dry July folks. But if anyone does want to throw money at me for not eating chocolate, I'll pass it on to a worthy organisation.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got seventeen blocks of Peppermint Aero to shove down my craw before Thursday.