This article contains spoilers for the upcoming Sex and the City movie, as well as strong language.
You have been warned!
I was, and still am, a big fan of Sex and the City. Leaving all the "it's how real women talk about sex" B.S. aside, I thought that it was a cleverly written series that was sharp and funny, and didn't shy away from creative swearing, adult content or toilet humour.
But I must say I'm wary about the long-awaited movie now in production. Spoilers are starting to spill from the New York set, and I'm afraid it looks like it could be - well, complete pants.
The series ended back in 2004 on a predictably happy note: Carrie chose Mr Big over that creepy Russian artist; Charlotte and Harry found out they'd be adopting a baby girl from China; Miranda and Steve moved to Brooklyn; and Samantha came as close as Samantha possibly ever had to maybe-perhaps-kinda-sorta admitting she loved a man (without using those words of course; after all, leopard-prints never change their spots).
So the problem with a movie is - where could they go? At the end of the series, everyone was partnered up, 50 per cent of the main cast were mothers, and those days of crazy New York sexual shenanigans seemed over. All that would seem open to them is a few minor tests of existing relationships (toilet seat dilemmas; how to get the kiddies into that exclusive private school scenarios, etc), before the status quo is restored, and the men in the cinema yawn and try to pretend they hadn't fallen asleep as their female partners gab about the film on the drive home.
The various spoilers I've come across while trawling the internet haven't done much to disprove this. So far I've discovered both Charlotte and Miranda have second babies (Charlotte's natural apparently, according to photographic evidence), and - gasp in horror - Carrie and Mr Big tie the knot.
I mean, what the hell? Big wedding? Feather headress? Gigantic cake dress bigger than the freaking Titanic? Apparently it's a Vivian Westwood, and I suppose it fits with Carrie's "quirky" fashion sense, but I'm sorry, I have to pooh-pooh the frou-frou. Yuck.
I'm hoping against hope that's a joke, designed to throw us all of the scent - a dream/nightmare sequence that inspires Carrie to eschew the traditional giant wedding celebration in favour of something more low-key, intimate and truly reflective of her and Mr Big's relationship. But, you know, Americans frickin' love giant wedding celebrations, so screw subtlety.
And the thing is, I'm sure the clever writers behind the original series could have brainstormed some more original storylines for them. Perhaps Carrie could have been sent to London as a fashion correspondent, only to have Stella McCartney spit in her eye when she dares to applaud the comeback of fur.
Maybe Charlotte, in an attempt to connect with her converted Jewish roots, goes on a pilgrimage to Auschwitz-Birkenau but gets in trouble when she accidentally gives the Nazi salute while trying to brush a moth out of her hair.
How about lawyer Miranda taking on some celebrity clients? She could encourage fading pop stars to get their act together and regain custody of their children, or perhaps represent a rapper implicated in a gangsta drive-by shooting.
And what about Samantha? I think we'd all like to see the story of how this blonde beauty was bitten on the neck by a strange European man with pale skin and pointy teeth, transforming her into a man-hungry animal, desperate to feed on the sexual energy of her victims before discarding them like so many used condoms.
OK, maybe they've already done that plotline.
My point is, I hope they don't play it safe. After all, Sex and the City blazed the trail in so many ways - and I'm not talking about popularising name pendants or Manolo frickin' Blahniks.
The show introduced the mainstream to terms like "teabagging" and "pearl necklace"; it got female ejaculation in your face (well, in Samantha's face); it had a major character commit adultery, rather than simply be the victim of it; it even struck a blow in the battle to reclaim the word "cunt".
So Sex and the City - don't be like that guy who fell asleep while doing it with Charlotte, prompting her to get Tantric sex instruction from an old lady who demonstrated on her husband who proceeded to accidentally shoot ejaculate all over Miranda's hair.
Don't go soft.