...but dagnabbit if I ain't gonna judge 'em all harshly anyway.
The best-dressed at the Golden Globe awards:
Evan Rachel Wood - Marilyn Manson's ex shows exactly how to wear black. Just perfect. I wish I was thin so I could pull off a dress like this.
Drew Barrymore - Speaking of Marilyns, hello Monroe. At first I thought the hair was too big. Now I'm just in awe. Drew is mainlining glamour. She's stuffed to the gills with gorgeousness. If she were anymore feminine, her ovaries would explode.
Samantha Harris - I have no idea who this chick is. All I know is the dress, the colour, the neckline - HAWT.
January Jones - This dress is divine. And her name's January Jones. She's in Mad Men, but dammit, she should be a private investigator, luring philandering billionaire husbands into honey traps, then clamping them to the bed with a set of handcuffs before telling their satisfied wives to start divorce proceedings. Sorry, where was I?
Honourable mentions: Kate Winslet (sigh - so elegant), Cameron Diaz (just rocks anything she wears), Mary-Louise Parker (drool, drool, please let me look like this one day).
Worst-dressed at the Golden Globes:
Renee Zellweger - OMG WTF?!?! At what point do you put a flesh-coloured bra under a sheer black top? Either get the girls out, Renee, or pop 'em in something black and lacy. Then there's fish-tail skirt, and the hair... it's wrong. It's all wrong.
Angelina Jolie - Yeah, I know. I'm going there. I'm saying it. BLAND, Angelina. BLAND. You are not a bland woman. Don't give me "meh" fashion. Extra points for the Brad Pitt accessory though.
Olivia Wilde - the House actor has been put on the best-dressed lists, but not with me. I think she needs to start putting herself on a hamburger diet. She looks positively gaunt. And her dress, while not quite Gwyneth Paltrow-pink, is still fairly high-school formal frou-frou.
Jennifer Lopez - for some reason J-Lo's decided to dispense with haute couture, and just wrap some velvety gold curtains from a local strip club around her jugs.
Dishonourable mentions: Lisa Rinna (go away, trout pout & fake tan), Demi Moore (Demi! The 80s are over!), Glenn Close (no, no, no Glenn! Check out Susan Sarandon for advice on how to pick a suit), and Mickey Rourke (kill it! Somebody kill it! It's... oh wait, that is Mickey Rourke. Ouch).