Planes. They're happening places these days, aren't they?
"Welcome aboard FU Flight 2 to Back of Beyond.
Please observe our ridiculously attractive cabin crew as they present this air safety demonstration for you.
Your tray tables and seat backs are to remain in the upright position for take-off and landing. Our cabin crew’s breasts are to remain in the upright position at all times. Failure to do so will result in immediate dismissal. That, and if we find out any of them are over 25.
We would like to remind you that no smoking is permitted in the onboard toilets. Please reserve these for mid-air trysts with Hollywood actors, and, if you must, doing number twos just to watch them get vacuum-sucked away at 75 kilometres an hour. In all cases, please leave the cubicles in a presentable condition. Particularly after any encounters with Ralph Fiennes or the chicken cacciatore. Both are equally nasty.
If you are secretly pregnant and need a place to give birth, please contact one of our friendly cabin crew. They will assist you with breathing techniques, refresher towlettes - and provide a FU Air Children’s Fun Activity Pack for the newborn.
In the event of an emergency, oxygen masks will drop from the overheard compartments. Place these over your mouth and nose and breathe normally. Please refrain from Christopher Skase impressions, as it is out-of-date material and our Gen-Y crew won’t understand what you’re doing.
A life-jacket is contained in a bag under your seat. In the event we pull off a super-impressive water landing like that dude on the Hudson River a few months’ back, please place over your head, and tie around your waist. Please refrain from making cracks about the light and whistle being ineffective. The over-sized lady behind you believes in shit like this. (She’s also the one we’ll be tossing out of the life-raft first, OK?)
Any references to Snakes on a Plane will be punishable by death. Any references to Alive will be punishable by forcing you to watch both Steve Martin Pink Panther remakes non-stop from Dubai to Singapore. Choose wisely.
This air safety announcement can be re-delivered in numerous styles. Please go to your inflight entertainment screen and select from the following options: rap, jazz, William Shatner-style spoken word, interminably dull Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, shadow puppetry, Holocaust drama or WWE cage match.
Thank you for flying FU Air. Remember, with us, it's about the destination, not the journey. And on behalf of the captain and crew - a big “FU” to you too!"
Ahh. I can't wait for my next vacation.