So, Oliver and Sebastian. Your parents have shown their exceptional sense of humour by appointing me one of your Official Godparents.
On this auspicious occasion of your christening - which comes, I might add, just days before the anniversary of my own birth - I feel it is only proper to bestow upon you some of the wisdom I have gathered in my years on this planet.
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves is an awesome movie, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
Try to treat girls like you would other boys. Except every so often, tell them they have nice hair or pretty eyes.
Climb lots of trees.
Frozen Cokes taste way better than 7-11 Slurpees or Big Freezes or Slush Puppies.
There's some folk who think there's going to be something called a "zombiepocalypse" one day. Hey, it's probably all nonsense. But still, might be worth investing in a good cricket bat.
There are lots of people who look different to you in the world. You know what? They're just as neat as you are.
Downside to last note: nasty people come in all shapes and sizes. Keep an eye on your stuff.
Develop your sense of humour. Read widely, watch DVD boxsets. Find a comedian who inspires you. Remind me to tell you about Tony Martin and Eddie Izzard and Charlie Brooker.
Never let anyone tell you swearing can't be inventive or creative. I get real shitestacraps when people do that.
Music was really good in the 1990s; which is excellent, because that's pretty much all your Mum and I got when it comes to tunes. You're going to LOVE our dance numbers.
We'll talk about the "God" thing.
The only way to eat a McDonald's cheeseburger is to open up that bad boy and throw fries on top of the patty. Mmm-mmm.
Important life lessons can be garnered from the following key resources: the complete works of William Shakespeare; the complete works of TISM, cracked.com, and the medical advice column of Australian teen mag Dolly.
History is WAY cooler than geography.
There's going to be someone who tells you everything Joss Whedon has ever done has been 100% original. On this occasion, I want you to triumphantly declare that at least 50 per cent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer storylines were lifted from Xena: Warrior Princess. You'll find this will make the person turn an interesting shade of purple. Enjoy that moment.
Punning is an art form.
Don't be afraid to be who you are, and all that crap. Wanna know something? YOU'RE GONNA BE SHITSCARED TO BE WHO YOU ARE. At some point, anyway. We all do. Being like other people is going to seem SO much more appealing. But if you can possibly remember that they're ALSO shitscared of being who they are, you just might get through that whole stage a bit easier (when you do, make sure to give me some tips).
Come visit your old GodParenty-Aunty-Mum's-friend-whatever-the-hell-I-am every so often. Make me jealous. Make me proud. Make me want to start drinking. Bring cute 18+ friends over for me to crack onto in a creepy way. Take me to Seaworld.
Have a great life, kiddos. I'll be over here if you need me.