Dec 14, 2009

An Evening With the 'Burgers

I ambled into Lock 'n' Load just after 7pm to find the Christmas 'Burger gathering already in full swing.

The laconic Mr Birmingham was propping up the front bar, accompanied by a mysterious stranger who called himself The Lurker and refused to reveal his actual name. At the other end stood Dr Yobbo, the holidaying temporary New Zealander admirably tricked out in a genuine 1971 polyester jungle print shirt. Damian and his Good Lady were in attendance, as was the jocular Moko, smartly-attired Uamada, and smiling newcomer Mayhem. I made the startling discovery that Medway is a youthful 23-year-old; and the pleasing discovery that Hughesy is as full of cleverness and Earth Mother goodness as I imagined her to be. Beeso strolled in, still sweating from another epic touch football training session, and NowhereBob followed, keen to sample some of the venue's house cider.

Squire Bedak made an appearance via Skype video-conferencing on Damian's tiny notebook PC; I may have somewhat accidentally (?) thrust my cleavage at the webcam, but then again, I do need to encourage him to finish work on that script for The Tasmanian Babes Fiasco. Jennicki was the next to arrive via interwebz; beaming in from Kalamazoo, Michigan around 4:30am local time. As the only Burger who truly appreciates pop music and the genius of Madonna, I proposed we begin a cross-continent pop culture podcast; an endeavour I believe will blow the collective hive mind once I figure out how all this technical recording business works.

Jen stayed on the 'puter for well over an hour; much of which was spent conversing with Mr Birmingham, as he tested out Lock 'n' Load's wireless hotspots. I assume that's what he was doing, otherwise perhaps the famed author of He Died With A Felafel in His Hand found something else growing in the shrubbery:

Figuring a burger was the suitable choice for dinner, I opted for the haloumi version. It was tasty enough, but I've decided dry, floury bun is not the best delivery system for a reasonably dry and dense cheese, even if it was accompanied by sweet potato and mayo. Beeso had more luck with his salt and pepper squid tapas selection, and I was too busy guarding my shoestring fries from sneaky fingers to see what the others were enjoying.

Table talk was sophisticated, intelligent, debonair  - well, until I joined in. Mr Birmingham began a conversation about the dilemma Tiger Woods is currently facing, and how he must have had people covering his tracks for him for years. My question - "Gee, how would it feel to be Tiger Woods' babe caddy?" - drew a polite snickering from the crowd, as did my attempt at a joke about Tiger's choice of mistresses (Succinctly summed up by Mr Birmingham as "playing in the rough").

I then distressed the cool-as-a-cucumber Albion Love Den somewhat by taking him through my new "Sweaty Genitals Theory" (blog post to follow), before somehow leading the conversation into Hilarious Stories People Tell Doctors When They Shove Something Stupid Somewhere Stupid. Moko, however, topped my story about the 22-inch-device being lost up an important orifice by recounting the tale of a woman and lobsters - a tale so extreme I don't think I'll ever look at The Little Mermaid in the same way again.

The evening came to an end when our table waiter - a bleached version of Dante from Clerks - told us irritably that he would have to shut the courtyard shortly so he could get to the pub, lamenting "I wasn't even supposed to BE here today!". I hope he was saying it with irony; I fear perhaps he wasn't.

All in all, a tremendous evening out with the Burgers, that irrascible crew of swaggernauts and story-fibbers who populate Mr Birmingham's online world. Good cheer to you all; I wish you well in 2010!


  1. It's a compulsion the stealing of the chips, i don't even know i'm doing it.
    I shudder to think of a podcast between you and Jen on music, i've done my best to try and rescue her, but i fear that she will end up in a special hell that has an endless soundtrack of Abba, Bros and Kenny G.

  2. Nothing in all the world matches a good collection of born liars armed with booze. Now you know why I go to SF conventions, GC -- there's a very significant fraction of SF writers who can hold their own in any assemblage of burgerdom.

    Pity I didn't know about Damian's computer, mind you. But on the other hand, I expect I was busy at some stupid thing or another.

  3. Great night,

    "Sweaty Genitals theory" -post to follow intriguing

  4. I made as much noise about it as I dared, really. But I'll make a regular thing of it for the future anyway.

    It was a good night. One or two faces were a little surprising (NBob is the spitting image of my wife's brother) and I don't think I even learned real names in a coherent way, but that worked too.

  5. I introduced myself, m'dear. Five times.

  6. I concur a fine night with a gaggle, no a flock, no um how about a murder of clowns.
    Tres unfortunate angle on JB's melon in the last shot, It has to be the flash making his hair look that ah, strategicly redistributed.
    Looks like you got the camera working fine in the end.
    Hope you didn't have the breakfast news shift this AM.

    RE: you "what am I doing" purple box, did you throw something at Mr Berlesconi?

  7. Wow, I am just impressed that you all managed to turn up to the same place at approximately the same time.

    Well done all, looks like you had a great night.

  8. Fucking sorry I wasn't there in person. Looked like a great night was about to happen. Thanks to Damian for the cam' your end. For the record, I was online from the RAAF base in Forest Hill Wagga in front of a WW2 Gloucster Meteor. Bedes.

    PS G'day Hughsey
    PPS More clevage next time GC

  9. Thanks GC, 'twas a fine night, full of intelligent conversation and interesting people. Great to meet you all and put faces to the names. Disappointed I missed the conversation on "Sweaty Genitals" theory, but I'm looking forward to the blog entry.

    NBob, beside a fine head of hair like your own, both JB and I look seriously sparse on top!

  10. As predicted, I loitered for a couple of minutes before braving the throng.

    Glad I did, I had a good night, though GC if you're going to be leading interesting discussions about Sweaty Genitals and what not, perhaps next time you could bring a microphone.

    And like you I chose a burger, it won't be going in the blunty best burgers list. Still it was fun and a little out of my comfort zone, which (and this might answer your question JB, is something I am trying to experience a little more.

    And THANK GOD Mum didn't show up!

  11. Great review GC!

    I would love do a podcast with you and school the Burgers on pop music and Her Madgesty--excuse me, Madonna to the lay people.

    And you are absolutely gorgeous m'dear!

  12. (Beeso there is still hope for me, I swear! And I do NOT listen to Kenny G except forced elevator music listening and at the dentist).

  13. GOLD, sound like it was a cracker all round, like NAUT, very impressed that you all managed to find each other.



  14. I was initially startled, but on further consideration, your Sweaty Genitals Theory does have merit.

  15. sounds like a good night and the place was actually open..

  16. Oh, i've heard the lobster story.

    I can never un-hear it.

  17. Great night.

    I googled the lobster story this morning and the general consensus is myth, but there a bit of fact opinion in there too. 60/40 to myth at this stage till proven otherwise.

    But yes, Dan, you can never unhear it. lol

    Stoked to meet everyone. Still impressed with the waiter. AWESOME memory. No drug stories from him.

  18. You thought it was startling that I was 23?
    Bob was surprised I was a dude!

    Good times, GC. I tried to get you drunk, but you wouldn't have any of that.

  19. Was awesome. And beautifully summated too GC. Cheers.

  20. I think based on the amount of cash that we left on the table bleached Dante did OK in tips out of the loud bunch up the back.
    admittedly i was a little concerned about not looking like a complete moron while sitting next to a phd, but we were both a few sheets to the wind by the time dinner was had so it evened the score.
    it was a very good night. Who knew there were "normal" net people around

  21. If you need a backing track for your theory post, may I suggest the track "Sweat of my balls" from the CB4 soundtrack. It may be relevant. All those with delicate sensibilities or no sense of humour should avoid the song and the movie. Anyone else - hilarious.