To: Attorney-General of South Australia
Mr Michael Atkinson
I write to you as a Concerned Citizen, and I hope, as man of Ultimate Sensitivity and Trustworthiness, that you will be able to Help me.
After your recent comments in the Media to that Young People's Show, I wanted to tell you that I am currently LIVING with a GAMER and am very scared. I want your help to show me how to convince him to put down the Wii-mote and do something Safer and More Productive such as becoming a Biker.
You say that GAMERS have been hanging around outside your House in Adelaide. I know that Adelaide is already a very Gritty City with a Dark Underside. So I know how Evil and Bad these gamers must be, and how Afraid you must be. But let me tell you, I am ALSO in a frightened state, because my GAMER is none other than my live-in person of Opposite Sex. So there you go, you must understand how much More Scared I would be than you!
My Cousin Harry "Slits" McKenzie doesn't think Gamers are good either. He told me they don't take something called "ice" and so aren't any good to him and the rest of his Social Group, the "Flying Stabbing Hog-Riding Stabbers" (Although that confused me because my Gamer does enjoy lots of "ice" in a big glass of Pepsi Max, but Slits makes a Convincing Argument regardless).
Slits says I should talk to you, and maybe set up a Meeting with you where he could come along and say Thank You for showing people that Bikers are Nice Guys who are community-minded. He says he's sharpening his best knife to Show you. He always says, "If you want justice, you have to Stab for it". Or at least that's what the tattoo on the back of his Neck says.
But I don't want Slits to stab my GAMER yet because I hope to Convince him gaming is Bad.
The other day he was playing a game with a small Italian plumber, and I think that is Racist. Not all Italians are plumbers who have twin Brothers. Also, he plays a lot of games with undead people in them, and that is UnChristian. The only undead person is Jesus, and I don't think my Gamer should be throwing bazooka grenades at Jesus.
He also plays a game where there is a World and there is lots of War in the world and the players in the world craft items of war. In my mind, he should craft things in a workshop or shed like Proper men do. I don't like the fact he plays this game as a Woman, when he is a Man. His Woman version in the game has (and I am sorry to use Such Language) large breasts. I do not believe this is Healthy. I worry that Gaming will not only make my GAMER want to blow up churches, but do it while dressed like a Girl with large breasts.
You can see why I'm so frightened!
I look forward to Conversing with you soon. Sincerely, Girl Clumsy.
P.S. Slits says he wants to take you on a Ride on his Hog to Snowtown! Isn't that nice.