Mr Michael Atkinson
I write to you as a Concerned Citizen, and I hope, as man of Ultimate Sensitivity and Trustworthiness, that you will be able to Help me.
After your recent comments in the Media to that Young People's Show, I wanted to tell you that I am currently LIVING with a GAMER and am very scared. I want your help to show me how to convince him to put down the Wii-mote and do something Safer and More Productive such as becoming a Biker.
You say that GAMERS have been hanging around outside your House in Adelaide. I know that Adelaide is already a very Gritty City with a Dark Underside. So I know how Evil and Bad these gamers must be, and how Afraid you must be. But let me tell you, I am ALSO in a frightened state, because my GAMER is none other than my live-in person of Opposite Sex. So there you go, you must understand how much More Scared I would be than you!
My Cousin Harry "Slits" McKenzie doesn't think Gamers are good either. He told me they don't take something called "ice" and so aren't any good to him and the rest of his Social Group, the "Flying Stabbing Hog-Riding Stabbers" (Although that confused me because my Gamer does enjoy lots of "ice" in a big glass of Pepsi Max, but Slits makes a Convincing Argument regardless).
Slits says I should talk to you, and maybe set up a Meeting with you where he could come along and say Thank You for showing people that Bikers are Nice Guys who are community-minded. He says he's sharpening his best knife to Show you. He always says, "If you want justice, you have to Stab for it". Or at least that's what the tattoo on the back of his Neck says.
But I don't want Slits to stab my GAMER yet because I hope to Convince him gaming is Bad.
The other day he was playing a game with a small Italian plumber, and I think that is Racist. Not all Italians are plumbers who have twin Brothers. Also, he plays a lot of games with undead people in them, and that is UnChristian. The only undead person is Jesus, and I don't think my Gamer should be throwing bazooka grenades at Jesus.
He also plays a game where there is a World and there is lots of War in the world and the players in the world craft items of war. In my mind, he should craft things in a workshop or shed like Proper men do. I don't like the fact he plays this game as a Woman, when he is a Man. His Woman version in the game has (and I am sorry to use Such Language) large breasts. I do not believe this is Healthy. I worry that Gaming will not only make my GAMER want to blow up churches, but do it while dressed like a Girl with large breasts.
You can see why I'm so frightened!
See? He Even has a Robot.
Please respond to me as Soon as Possible, Mr Atkinson. I am Happy to help in your re-election campaign, as I do not want to see a rating so people who are over 18 can make their own Decisions regarding their own entertainment. I DON'T think people know what is Good for them, and I think You Do.
I look forward to Conversing with you soon. Sincerely, Girl Clumsy.
P.S. Slits says he wants to take you on a Ride on his Hog to Snowtown! Isn't that nice.
Of course, because you are living in sin with this Gamer, Mr Atkinson will have no choice but to ignore you, like he does annoying telemarketers and Reality.ReplyDelete
This guy sounds a bit unhinged too.ReplyDelete
please tell me you actually sent that...ReplyDelete
My advice is...do as I did...ReplyDelete
Wait until he goes out and, while he is out, get a locksmith to change the locks...
Also, in your case disconnect the intercom...
Ignore the screaming and the sobbing and the knock, knock, knocking...on the door...it will only last about three days (make sure you have enough supplies to outlast him)
You can also tell him it is no use trying to come home as Mrs AM and I have moved interstate...
The Ancient Man
That was hilarious! Your cousing "slits" sounds awfully charming! Lucky Mr Atkinson getting that offer for a ride on his hog. lolReplyDelete
I just want to know if you and the wah saw the youtube clip of the new doctor?ReplyDelete
Nice - I like that the "threatening" note shown (may not bear any relationship to actual note) on GoodGame said "Dear Mick, I can haz R18 rating plz? KThnx".ReplyDelete
Damn, that's scary!
Beeso - GERONIMO!ReplyDelete
Hi, my name is Medway and I'm a recovering gamer.ReplyDelete
DiscoStu - "Living in sin"? *gasp* Tell me Jesus would approve?!?!?ReplyDelete
Dan - yeah, that guy.
Fiend - no, I'm not actually practical, or ballsy or anything like that. I just talk shit on the internet. I'm one of those people Doug Stanhope and The Wah hates. ;)
Ancient Man - he's like a limpet, isn't he? ;)
Annie - thanks! Slits is a dude, I must say.
Timmo - LOLZ, totes. ;)
Beeso - what the Wah said - geronimo! I think I'm going to like Eleven. The pics seem to indicate he can pull off a bow tie, which in itself is an achievement, if nothing else.
Medway - Welcome to the (digital) jungle. ;)
The guy blows your mind.ReplyDelete
"Gamers Of Oz", of course, they'd need to show that after "Gangs of Oz".
You may have unwittingly painted this dangerous gamer of yours in a more flattering light than you intended. Since he supports large breasts, he will not be one of the dangerous types who likes suspiciously small breasts, as recently banned from approved adult materials.ReplyDelete
I am curious - what do both Jesus and Slits say on the topic of large breasts V small?
I played a game called Neverwinter Nights the other day. I made a half-elf paladin lady. But I am not a half-elf paladin lady in real life. What if I don't recognise the difference between reality and fantasy? I might end up running around the city wielding a giant axe around, or magically casting fire at people! I'm a danger to myself and others. :(ReplyDelete
...I don't think Mr Atkinson is equipped to recognise either irony OR sarcasm, GC. I think the only reasonable response to the man is to be found at roughly 9mm calibre.ReplyDelete
But that's just a guess.
Yeah Flintharts right, no way is he going to realise this is sarcasm and as a result he may ban radio controlled daleks as well.ReplyDelete