Aug 20, 2010

Breast Friends

Good day,

Allow us to make introductions. We are GirlClumsy's breasts. And we're here to talk for just a moment about ourselves.

You see, we're not ones to brag, but we're quite respectable. GirlClumsy does tend to be rather critical about her appearance, but even so she has very much ... well, embraced us. To be frank, she's very nearly exploited us. We've turned up in almost every onstage production she's ever been involved with. So much so, we're thinking about getting an agent and cutting in for 20 per cent.

Despite our general all-round pleasantness, we do actually have a medical condition, called "benign breast disease". Sounds worrying, doesn't it? Put simply, it means we retain some slightly thicker tissue in certain areas. Poor GirlClumsy. The first time the doctor pointed out the thicker tissue - which is predominantly in our upper, outer portions, closer to the armpits - she was so disappointed. She had thought it was muscle. Oh, how we laughed. Perhaps do some more bicep curls, GirlClumsy! You don't just magic in muscle!

For us - we don't mind being seen as "benign". GirlClumsy herself is quite the dramatic type, you see. She overthinks certain things, underthinks others. She places emphasis on all sorts of things that really don't deserve her time. Really, she should take a leaf out of our book. The dictionary definition of benign is being gracious, kind, good, pleasant, favourable, salubrious. And we are all of those things. While never exposing us totally to ridicule, GirlClumsy certainly has fallen back on us (or should that be fallen "front" on us?) for cheap laughs or an instant conversation starter. And we've never protested, or become difficult - we've taken it all in our stride, and retained a certain dignity in even the most blood-splattered circumstances.

Critics hailed it as "a bravura performance, full of lace and gusto."
The only problem with "benign breast disease" is that thicker tissue can make it harder to spot actual lumps that could potentially be a problem. So several years ago the doctor recommended GirlClumsy undergo an ultrasound, just to make sure we were both still bouncing along nicely, and lump-free. The first one was cleared, then the second a year later. Yesterday, GirlClumsy took us down to the diagnostic centre for a third. And can we say - she didn't even bother putting us in a nice bra. I suppose we WERE about to covered in sticky ultrasound conducting gel. It's not easy finding pretty bras that are still supportive enough to carry all 34E of us (or 36DD, depending on the brand), so perhaps she was right to be cautious.

The examination itself was fairly orderly: we were compliant, and didn't make any fuss as the probe glided over our surfaces. The radiographer seemed pleased, reporting that there was no indication of anything problematic.

Of course, we were thrilled. She tries, but GirlClumsy isn't the best at doing the self-examinations that ladies are supposed to do. She's never quite sure if she's getting it right (another reason to look into that agent), so it's good to have a professional give us the all-clear.

Having said that, there are many busts that do not receive the good news we did. At these times we like to think about those cleavages, facing a journey that they never expected to take. We thought it would be a good idea to make mention of those breasts, and pay tribute to the women who fight on their behalf. There are many ways people can help these breasts, but we would suggest providing care and support whenever you can as the best. In many ways, a good friend and a good bra are much the same.

GirlClumsy herself celebrates a rather significant birthday in less than two months. One of those ones with a zero. She's a little terrified of it. She fears growing older, and whether she'll be able to continue utilising us for comedic and filling-out-a-dress purposes. She forgets that we're considerably younger than she is. There's no definitive birthdate when it comes to breasts, of course, but we first began making an impact in the early 90s, which would place us, at most, 17. Frankly, we're positively youthful. Can you believe GirlClumsy's mother, who was more jog-friendly in the chest department, was worried we wouldn't develop at all? GirlClumsy was quite a sticky, gangly child. She still is all flailing limb, but possesses ample rounded parts thanks to genetics on her father's side of the family. GirlClumsy's grandmother in fact once famously proclaimed that had her husband been a leg man, they never would have married.

You can see where GirlClumsy gets it from.

We want to assure GirlClumsy that as long as sportsbra technology keeps developing, we'll be around and upright for many years to come. And we're happy being benign.


  1. Words fail me. Other than to say, WoooTT!! Really hope to catch y'all in blood-spattered glory one day. Nice work.

  2. I am somewhat speechless and nearly textless... I am almost ashamed to say, "Nice points of view"!!

  3. I sympathise my_reason_for_living also has 'thicker tissue' and as such has to be subjected to those regular bouts of examination.

    I can assure you that teams of scientists are working around the clock to ensure the perkiness of your breasts continue for many decades to come -YAY Science. (its is science week after all)

  4. I am terribly, terribly enamoured with this post. It's so good, I'd be willing to upgrade your breasts to benign and a half. Almost beten.

    Not to mention that I'm quite thrilled you reach *that* birthday approximately two months before I do. You can test the waters, and let me know how it goes.

  5. Show us your euphemisms!

    Cheers to you and great rack health. Where would we be without the girls uh? Honestly, some days I just can't get out of the house.

  6. It's rather awkward for a man who tries to avoid being sexist to compliment a friend's breasts. It feels like a simple, positive statement about such a wonderful characteristic requires several paragraphs of preamble to establish that there is no intent to objectify you or to minimise your other achievements as a human being, that it's only a small-m small-g male gaze that I'm directing at them, that I do not in any way wish to imply that I am speaking from a culturally privileged position where I may critique your physical appearance and potentially attack your self-esteem freely while remaining immune from equal and opposite critiques, and that my compliments about a body part which our society intensely fetishises are not meant to be an inappropriate sexual approach but merely a friendly, positive statement.

    Even if you get past all that then you have to worry that by complimenting your breasts I might be taken to imply that the rest of you had something wrong with it, especially since you say yourself that you sometimes aren't happy with the rest of yourself.

    But damn, I've got to say that those are some literate titties.

  7. This is why I believe there is no God. Afterall what kind of sick mind would design something as wonderful as breasts and then use them to spawn a disease that kill the host????


  8. Hi Lliam's Testicles here - just wanted to say great piece of writing and if we may be so bold - can we express the same sentiment for the testosterone filled race?
    T1 & T2

  9. I've never even considered being an agent, but I'd be more than happy at trying my hand at representing you in the most supportive way possible. I'll have my people call your people and we'll do brunch?

  10. NORGS!

    Sorry about that. Little known fact, the colloquialism 'Norgs' is a derivation of the dairy brand from northern NSW where I grew up:

    NORKS (originally Australian) [1960s and still in use - they’ve been in use for a lot longer than that (<)] (also norgies, norgs, norkers) A woman’s breast. Usually in the plural [origin uncertain: the wrapping on Norco Co-operative Ltd. butter manufacturer from New South Wales, featured a cow’s utter on its labels]

    Norco is headquartered in Lismore, though is now owned by Fonterra, the New Zealand dairy farmers cooperative, having been rescued from the failing financial grasp of Pauls/Parmalat.

    Factoids are cool.

    As are NORGS.

  11. I've said it once, I'll say it again: The Doc has the best breast trivia of all.

  12. Amen to that. If I may comment, GC, You are so graciously figured and busted. Also, I'm quite jealous I don't look like you! Not the fact that I would wish for such lovely and friendly breasts as yours, for I have my own, but the fact that you are so stunningly georgous and look brilliant in everything! You're a great role-model, and good on you and your breasts of bustiness! Yes, it is true, Women are the superior race. :D

  13. I wouldn't worry too much about your supposed incompetence at breast self-examination. Recent research suggests that this activity has no detectable effect on health outcomes, although it can sometimes generate extra fear and alarm.

    The emphasis today seems to be on breast *awareness*. Don't attempt to routinely perform a forensicly skilful auto-examination, just be aware of what your body is like and notice anything which seems out of the ordinary.

    My very breast to you and yours.



  14. 1) I'm sorry, but it's difficult to speak seriously with you when you refuse to put in a personal appearance.

    2) When I'm talking with you... you won't mind if I keep looking at GC's eyes, will you? I've never been very good at making conversation with breasts. Even nice ones.

  15. I'm glad you could make a clean breast of things.