Thirty Before Thirty

So despite all of my best efforts and experimentation, time continues to march frustratingly forward.

Mark it: in 44 days' time, I shall turn *gulp* thirty years old.

Frankly I'm not very fond of this fact. I'd much prefer it was a statistic. You can use statistics to prove anything. Believe me, I work in and around politicians. Statistics can be your best friends if you stroke them the right way. Much like dogs. And politicians.

If my forthcoming birthday were a mere statistic, then I could statistically tell you that it is only a probability that I will shortly be leaving my twenties. But no, my birthday, much like my dear mother's labour pains and my dear father's aversion to latex, it is a cold, hard fact.

But hey, enough of the cloying faux-tragic sighing, right? Let's look 30 right in the face, and before it can say "Wrinkles, bee-atch", punch it right in the balls.

I'm going to do 30 new things before I turn 30.

And guess what? (Here's the call to action part of the narrative) I need YOUR help!

I'm going to compile a list. There are a few things that I personally want to do/try, but for the most part I'm open to suggestion. Now the point of this exercise is NOT to do every bogus extreme activity known to man. The point is for me to try things that I have so far avoided - either accidentally or on purpose - for the past 29 and a bit years.

So here are some examples of things I'm going to do:

• Have Dan make me a cup of tea, and drink it with him (Dan is obsessed with the fact I've never drunk tea).
• Drink alcohol to the point of legal intoxication (I am not a drinker).
• Watch an "adult film" in its entirety (The Wah suggested I get DiscoStu involved, and review it, in the style of our Buffy/Xena musical episode review. When I explained to Stu what I was doing, he said "So Dan's the tea guy, and I'm the porn guy?" I replied that Dan's so obsessed with freaking tea that he'll probably prepare the damn stuff in the nude anyway, so really, it's a compliment. Stu then accepted the challenge).

So! Ladies and gentlemen, I hand over to you. You can be as creative or as simple as you like. You could tell me to visit a suburb I've never been to, or read your favourite book. Maybe you'd like me to try an activity you've always wanted to try to report back on what it's like. Perhaps you'd like me to wear a particular item of clothing, or take a lesson in a martial art or dance style.

Obviously, you might suggest something that I have done (such as walk the Great Wall of China, go horse-riding in Mongolia or ask a nice Russian chemist for thrush medication), so apologies in advance for any rejections. I must also say that I won't do anything that will physically or mentally harm another person (unless it's agreed to by that person, for example, boxing etc). Some things will be precluded because of cost and time restraints. However, I AM going to Hong Kong tomorrow night for a few days, so I am happy to look at things over there that I could do.

And before you ask, I probably WON'T get a tattoo, because I'm a big girly girl.

I should say I'm happy to do more than 30 things. But I've got around six weeks to get all this done, so 30 is my minimum. I'll keep track of progress on Twitter, using the hashtag #30before30.

I've actually already done my first activity - being in a flashmob. Yesterday I spent five hours learning a Bollywood dance, then joined about 30 others performing it flashmob style in King George Square. I'll write more about that later when the video becomes available, but for now here's a photo I nicked off Facebook:

That's me in the black pants & grey shirt.

Thanks to Paul for the photo.

Also, I would like to raise money doing this. I am going to work out a way of setting up a donate button, probably through PayPal. Hopefully if you enjoy reading about my adventures, you may consider donating something. I have decided to split any money that is donated between:

1) The Australian Red Cross, specifically for helping victims of the Pakistan floods. My grandmother, Queen Pat, worked for the Red Cross for over 40 years, so it's an organisation I like to support. Also, my great-aunt Monnie lives in Karachi, and has worked for the International Girl Scouts for many years. I know that more help is needed for Pakistan right now.

2) The Brisbane Arts Theatre. Because we never have ANY money. And we're a not-for-profit community group that SHOULD be around in 2011 to celebrate 75 years of great independent theatre.

Please note: Donations are NOT compulsory. I will look at all suggestions on their merit - but hey, maybe cash pledges will sway me.

Thanks again to everyone who reads Girl Clumsy - I hope to provide you with many interesting adventures to read about over coming weeks!

Put Another Pollie on the Barbie

The four days of "aftermath" since the Australian Federal Election would have to be at least four times as interesting as the campaign itself. Possible five. Six might be going too far. But you get the idea: it's still enough to drive you a little bit batshit insane; but not as much as seeing Julia and/or Tony doing another meet & greet/bus ride/factory opening/interview with Kerry O'Brien.

We find ourselves with no clear winner, no "mandate", no "womandate", no "date" in fact at all, save the one with destiny that has plopped into the lap of a few blokes who now find themselves more powerful than Gandalf the Grey PLUS Gandalf the White.

I was having a little trouble trying to work out who's who in this new political arrangement we find ourselves in. But I think I may have made it a bit easier. Imagine, if you will, a typical 'Strayan barbeque: various parts of pig and cow sizzling away on an industrial-sized Weber; somebody's spilled a bottle of Pasito on the trestle table; and a couple of kids are whimpering after an unfortunate groinal encounter with the springs of a backyard trampoline.

Using this context, let's explore the characters:

Commentary

Fellow Blogger users will know it's been slowly but steadily upgrading itself, with improved functions and performance, and better design and user-friendliness. I understand Wordpress has the best reputation as a blogging platform, and the Tumblr format is very popular these days, but I've always liked Blogger, and it's been really enjoyable to watch it change and grow, and work out how to play with/implement some of its newer features.

One of its latest improvements has been an upgraded comments system, to allow you to more easily mark off comments as spam. I'm very lucky - I haven't ever had much of a spam problem. The feature finally appeared on my blog today, and I was able to see that in the six years since I began this blog, I've received  3672 comments.

This averages around four comments per post. How amazing! Every time I write something, on average four people have taken the time to give their opinion about their piece of writing, the topic itself, share a story or just be generally witty and charming.

So hearty, hearty thanks to you, dear commenters. It really makes my day when you write - even if you disagree with me or dislike what I've written! Of course, I deeply appreciate everyone who reads, and I would certainly love to encourage more people to comment (even though I understand it's not for everyone).

I find it hard sometimes to know what to write. Sure, I like to write about things that I'm interested in, or that amuse me, but I also like to be an entertaining read, and take into consideration what people like reading about. So please feel free to leave me suggestions or ideas - all inspiration is welcome.

Breast Friends

Good day,

Allow us to make introductions. We are GirlClumsy's breasts. And we're here to talk for just a moment about ourselves.

Top Ten Bond Pre-Title Sequences: Part II

The second and final installment! Which shall be the Best Bond Pre-Title Sequence? Read on to find out!

#5 Moonraker, 1979

So many great Bond sequences have some “in-the-air” component. Just look at how many have graced this list. There’s good reason: aerial combat makes for great visuals, and sets the action bar pants-wettingly high. Moonraker combines two spectacular airborne sequences: the hijacking of a brand new space shuttle mid-transfer flight; and the brilliant mid-air battle between Bond and Jaws, after the latter pushes the parachute-less former out of a plane. Gasp! How will 007 survive? Well, he initiated an impressive freefall, wrestles the plane’s falling pilot for his parachute, then deploys it just as Jaws catches up to him and starts knowing on his calf. That’s what I love about Jaws. He may be plummeting towards the ground, but he still finds time for an original Oh, and did I mention that throughout this entire sequence James Bond is wearing a cream turtleneck and navy blue blazer?

Genius/naff moment: It doesn’t really fit with the haunting tones of the theme song that follows, but the final shot of Jaws plummeting into a circus tent, bringing down the big top, really exemplifies the somewhat absurd comedic touch that characterised the Roger Moore era.

#4 The Spy Who Loved Me, 1977

Completing the Roger Moore late-70s Bond double-play, The Spy Who Loves Me combines both air AND water-based sequences before Carly Simon kicks in. Doing the Wobbling Glass of Water 25 years before Steven Spielberg, Spy sets up an imposing maritime enemy, something that could prompt the most confident British submariner to utter a tight-lipped "Oh my God!" Cut to British and Russian officials freaking out about losing their subs and calling in their best agents: Triple X (a brilliant bait-and-switch with Barbara Bach); and James Bond on a bear rug ("Tell him to pull out!"). Bond receives his orders via a supremely high-tech Dymo labeller installed in his watch, then straps on a canary yellow one-piece ski suit and shoots off into the wide white yonder. It doesn't take long for a bunch of henchman to follow with machine guns instead of poles, and we're treated a sensational downhill chase, complete with disco porn soundtrack. Bond fires off a few rounds from his pole (wa-hay!), but oh no! He's heading straight for that cliff! He's going over!

What happens next is so mind-blowingly beautiful, and so heart-burstingly patriotic, that it overrides the general naffness of the whole sequence. The disco porn mercifully stops. The chasm that Bond freefalls into literally swallows the sound. He drops for 16 glorious seconds. His skis disengage. He spins, gracefully, almost poetically. He pulls the ripcord. For four seconds we watch the parachute unfurl. Then, just as it bursts into all its Union flag glory, the theme explodes in our eardrums. Can you imagine young Brits, empire long diminished, Cold War relevance waning, Thatcherism around the corner, seeing that sequence? I imagine their reaction was HOLY F*** YEAH! or the 1977 colloquial equivalent. That one shot made Britain look relevant, important and seriously f***ing cool. All of which makes a top pre-title sequence.

Genius/naff moment: It's hard to top Bond's farewell to his sexy Alpine lover ("But James, I need you!"/"So does England!"), but for my mind you can't go past General Gogol's stellar phone conversation. It's one of those classic movie ones where only one speaker is heard, so they have to be far more explanatory than you would be in any regular conversation. "What? The submarine Potemkin disappeared without trace?" All the while sitting in a huge, gloomy, sparsely furnished room somewhere deep in the Kremlin. Seriously, there is one chair in the background. One. Go back and watch it, and I dare you not to crack up laughing looking at that stupid chair. It's like the set guy went "Oh, crap, we need to really emphasise just how freaking huge Russian offices are. Throw that chair on stage right. That'll do it." This is how much I love James Bond films - I care enough to notice oddly placed chairs. Maybe that can be my next list.
 

#3 You Only Live Twice, 1965

 
An atmospheric opening in every sense of the word, You Only Live Twice starts high above the Earth, with some DIY work on a space capsule. But the floating, dream-like movements of the astronaut are short-lived, as they notice a mysterious craft bearing down on them at speed. Then, THEN! Its four great, spiked teeth yawn open, revealing a black hole of nothingness. The pounding of strings and drums matches the astronaut's own mounting panic as the teeth of the unknown craft close down around the capsule. Then, CLICK! It shuts completely, severing the astronaut's communications cable in an instant. "My lead line! It's c...." are his final, terrible words. The mysterious craft moves out of frame, leaving only the ghostly white form of the astronaut fading away into deep space. Such a simple idea, but the execution is so perfect, it really establishes all the promise and dread of 1960s spaceflight in one fell swoop.  Of course, it doesn't end there. After a hilarious "J'accuse!" scene between the Americans and the Russians, the British top brass steps in to say their best man's on the job in Hong Kong. Cut to Bond doing some smooching with a beautiful Chinese lass before getting ambushed and machine gunned to death. Cue Nancy Sinatra.... oh, you only live twice? I THINK I'M BEGINNING TO GET IT.

Genius/naff moment: The meeting of various world leaders/top spies/military types takes place inside a giant orange orb. There's a second one too, in the background of the establishing shot. Inside, it really shows the joy designer Ken Adam took in crazy-ass Cold War sets. The three tables sit in line, tossing jibes at each other through the side of their mouths. "Guys, guys! Why are we sitting side by side on a dias? Let's just rearrange these chairs to face each other... guys?"

#2 Casino Royale, 2006

It took The Wah and I three weeks after it opened to see the eagerly anticipated Bond reboot. We were still in Morocco for the first two; then we spent a week driving around southern Spain looking for a cinema that played the films in English, not dubbed over ("¡No, Senor Bond, espero que muerase!"). But we hit the 007 jackpot in Madrid, and got so excited as cinema went dark that I think we freaked out a few nice Spanish people. But what's this? No gunbarrel? Moody black and white film? Prague? ¿Qué? This opener sets up both faces of Bond - the calm, cool, collected assassin, and the brutal, thuggish, kill-at-all-costs assassin - by using the narrative device of Bond earning his Double-O. It ends with the beginning - Bond, physically shattered after his first kill, picks up his gun (I dunno, is Bond even still using a Walther PPK these days?), then spins on the spot to dispatch his not-dead-after-all target. In one swift movement, Daniel Craig does the Gunbarrel Shot By Which All Gunbarrel Shots will be measured.

Genius moment: "Don't worry," coos the corrupt M16 contact in his glossy Prague office. "The second is..." He's interrupted by Bond, killing him softly with his silencer. "Yes. Considerably," comes Bond's reply. How cold? Ice cold.

#1 From Russia With Love, 1963

The second Bond film, and the first Bond pre-title sequence, From Russia With Love is low-key for sure, but practically perfect. A simple idea - Bond, in the gardens of a mansion, is stalked by a stony-faced blond man. He weaves his way around hedges and statues, turning constantly to check if anyone is behind him. He fires off a shot, alerting the blond man to his presence. The cat closes in on the mouse. Bond is jumped from behind, a garrote wire pulled against his throat, ending his breath. But as he collapses to the ground dead, the mansion's floodlights flash on, and men in black walk towards his killer, Red Grant. A Russian man congratulates Grant on a record time, then pulls at Bond's face. It comes away in his hand, a mask! The dead man is not Bond, but Grant has been training to kill Bond. Nothing needs to be said for us to know Bond is in big trouble. They wander away, and the staccato, gunfire theme music starts up. This sequence establishes mood, the villain, the challenge that Bond will face - all with minimal action and dialogue. It's just beautifully done, and if anyone ever tells you Bond movies aren't clever you can go TELL THEM TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF WITHOUT A UNION FLAG PARACHUTE.

Genius moment: The Russian testing officer walks off with the rubbery Bond mask flopping in his hand. Such disrespect, such unchivalry! THESE BAD GUYS ARE AWESOME! Surely this is enough to convince producers it's time to bring back SPECTRE?

Well, thanks for reading my list. I'd love to hear what you thought of it, or if there are any other Bond pre-title sequences you think I missed. And please let me know if you ideas for other lists!

Top Ten Bond Pre-Title Sequences: Part I

A triumphant mix of action, adventure and some sexiness, the James Bond pre-title sequences are like little films in themselves. Kicking off with the classic gunbarrel shot, they set mood for excitement, often lay some groundwork for the film or at the very least give us a taste of how awesome 007 is going to be this time around, and lead in to some kick-ass naked ladies during the title song.

I present the Top Ten Bond Pre-Title Sequences (Part I):

#10 Licence To Kill, 1989

A Daniel Craig before his time, Timothy Dalton turned the "gritty" knob up to 11 and let fly in this, his second and final Bond film. The pre-title here certainly gives hints as to what's to come - a vendetta flick set against the backdrop of the brutal drugs trade - but it also turns on the fluff, delivering the sweetest sequence in Bond history. On their way to his Florida wedding, CIA agent Felix Leiter and his best man Bond get redirected to take down Mexican drug baron Sanchez. Felix's fiance Della circles the church several times while he and Bond shoot themselves some baddies, and pull off a daring mid-air light plane capture. It ends with them parachuting into the ceremony from a helicopter, before the swelling strings of Michael Kamen's theme music come in. Awwww, how romantic. Pity it all goes to hell once Gladys Knight stops singing.

Uncomfortable moment: Sanchez whipping his runaway girlfriend Lupe as her lover has his heart cut out in the background.

#9 Goldfinger, 1964

This sequence begins with Bond sneakily swimming into a Mexican drug lord's lair using a snorkel disguised as a seagull, and just keeps getting better. Slick and quick, Bond makes his way into a cushy-looking silo, lays down a few metres of explosives and a detonator, then runs away to establish an alibi. How does he make it to the local cafe in time? Why, by unzipping his dry suit to reveal a dapper white tuxedo, of course. Suitably droll, he has a brief exchange with a contact at the bar, before exchanging briefs with the saucy table dancer. But their tryst is short-lived when he's attacked by an assassin. A struggle, a fall into a bathtub, a flick of an electric fan, and we finish with one of the best Connery bond puns: "Shocking. Positively shocking". It doesn't have anything to do with the subsequent film, but you just can't get more classic, positively classic.

Genius moment: Bond realises the assassin is coming for him when he NOTICES THE REFLECTION IN HER EYES. Now that's a super-spy in action.

#8 Goldeneye, 1995

Goldeneye was the first Bond film I saw at the cinema, and at the time the thrill of finally seeing 007 on the big screen got me more excited than when I received Madonna's Erotica album for Christmas when I was 12. Beginning with the epic sight of the Verzasca Dam in Switzerland (doubling for a fictional USSR chemical weapons facility), it features a brilliant bungee jump off the dam wall, a second Double-O agent, and a fantastic cat-and-mouse shoot 'em up against the Russkys. We see our new Bond, Pierce Brosnan, and get an insight into his character - forever scarred by being unable to save his friend and colleague Alex Trevelyn. Finally, as we approach the 10 minute mark, Bond makes his escape by jumping a motorbike off a cliff and freefalling after a small plane. He climbs in, regains control, then soars over the facility as it explodes into glorious fire. Cue Tina Turner. It wasn't my memory misleading me - it really is THAT DAMN GOOD.

Genius moment: Bond getting past the massed armed forces of Mother Russia by wheeling a trolley full of explosive gas tanks in front of him.

#7 Live and Let Die, 1971

Mysterious deaths everywhere! This pre-title sequence shows some of the spooky, freaky and downright cool methods of secret agent execution that gangsters got up to in the early 1970s. From the earpiece electrocution of a UN official, to the terrifying voodoo ritual sacrifice of a scientist, the Live and Let Die opener remains a spine-tingling indulgence. The most outstanding part however is the stabbing death of an agent on the streets of New Orleans; the funeral procession he had been observing becomes a carnivale-type celebration once pallbearers drop their coffin over his body and magically vanish it. The whole thing is so unnerving, when it begins to happen again later in the movie - and this time involving Bond - you really do gasp with delicious fear. And that's a mark of a great pre-title sequence.

Scary yet hilarious moment: the bright green snake the voodoo priest forces to bite the agent looks completely fake. Also, you cannot even see a bite mark on his neck; and according to the handy site Snakes on Film ('cause there was a niche there that needed filling) it would be unlikely for that kind of snake to even have venom.

#6 Thunderball, 1965

It seems like a slow start. A funeral for a SPECTRE operative? A French chateau and some dowdy mourners? Yawn. But wait, what's that? Colonel Jacques Bouvar is not in fact dead, rather, he's disguised as his own widow? And Sean Connery's punching him in the face? All of a sudden, I know I'm going to like this film. The mano-a-mano-in-womano-outfit fight is glorious, a lot of two-fisted action and crockery destruction. And then, bad guy dead, Bond takes off across the roof of the chateau and straps himself into a GODDAMNED JET PACK. How did it get there? How did he know he was going to be able to get to where it was? How is it several henchman fire shots at him as he flies off but fail to aim at the easy target of 007's dangling legs? These are all pesky nuisance questions and you should shut up and watch the GODDAMNED JET PACK. After Bond meets his glamorous assistant (and stows the jetpack in the boot of the DB5), he spoils the party for three attackers by turning the Aston Martin's water jets on them, leading beautifully into the watery blue opening credits and the brassy sounds of Tom Jones. Drag queens and jet packs. What more do you want, people?

Genius moment: After dispatching Bouvar with a poker, Bond pauses to grab flowers from a vase, and toss them over his corpse. If you can picture that "kiss your fingers then throwaway your hand and say mwah" gesture, that's what I'm doing right now.

Stay tuned for the Top Five!