Jul 8, 2006

How to Be a Pussycat Doll. By Girl Clumsy.

It's a Saturday morning, and as usual I'm at work, spending most of my time as I seem to do these days watching Pussycat Dolls film clips. (It's a slow news day, all right?)

After several weeks of being subjected to "Beep" and "Buttons" and other similarly suggestable song titles, I've come up with what I believe to be the three definitive dance moves that are present in every PCD video clip (That's right, they've been acronymed). I'm presenting them here as a handy guide to all budding pop princesses, keen to strip down and oil up for their shot at fame and fortune.

For those of you unfamiliar with the The Pussycat Dolls - you can find out more here.

Dance Move #1: The Sexy Strut to Camera

A spiced-up cabaret version of what I like to call a "Tombstone": that slow-motion, all-in-line walking-forwards move. There's a great parody of it in Mystery Men. The PCD version sees the girls assemble in a reasonably straight line, thrust their pelvises forward and stalk their way towards the camera as fast as their Versace boots or Manola Blahnik stilettos will carry them. In time, of course. Sometimes the footage is slowed down for a sashaying effect; other times it's sped up so fast they look like catwalking Nazi peacocks. Either way, it's the easiest move to practice at home - as long as you have a long corridor and arthritis-free hips.

Dance Move #2: The Booty-and-Booby Shaker

You can't just stop at the end of a DM#1 - you'd ruin the effect. You need a statement move, and it doesn't come bigger than the B&B shaker. Stand with feet shoulder-width apart, toes slightly pointing outwards. Suck in your gut, and stick out your chest and butt. Raise your arms so that your elbows are at the same level as your shoulders. There should be a right angle between your upper arm and forearm, with your hands out in front of you. Simultaneously pump your elbows and chest back and forward, while taking a step at a time on the spot. Practice in front of the mirror - if it looks like you're having an epileptic fit, you're doing it correctly. Try shaking your butt at the same time (requires co-ordination), then simply tilt your head back slightly to complete the move. A warning for though for anyone with a bust size bigger than a a 12B - this could have somebody's eye out, so wear a sports bra, or strap the girls in for the ride.

Dance Move #3: The Anti-Gravity Leg Rub

Anti-gravity is just a cleverer way of saying "upwards", really. But still, this is the finishing part of our three-step process, so it's got to sound good as well as look good. After completing several seconds (or minutes, if you're flat-chested) of DM#2, plant your feet, with your right foot slightly in front of your left. Using your hips as a hinge, lower the top half of your body until it is flat and parallel to the floor. Reach your right arm down to your right ankle, then slowly bring it up your calf and thigh in a smooth continuous movement to your hip. As your hand rises, so should your body, until you're virtually upright. For a flirty finishing flourish, try smacking your butt with the palm of your right hand. You'll find it's a very natural move - after being so sexy through all three moves, you'll just want to slap your ass silly.

So now you should all be experts in the basic moves of a Pussycat Doll. Try them out at home - these three moves can be repeated ad infinitum - or at least until the music runs out. For best results, wear very little clothing, have body hair completely waxed off, apply plentiful amounts of spray tan and body oil, zjush up your head hair, and never eat again. Ever.

Happy dancing! Natalie.


  1. Hi there,

    My name is Coxster and I just got your link from Gwens livejournal. I just read your entry on the Pussycat Dolls and you just made my day haha. I'm a guy and lets just say I hate seeing girls disrespect themselves and become copies of cliches that were copied by a cliche that was copied....ooops i've gone crosseyed.

    much respect for the entry. it was a great read


  2. Hi Coxster,

    Thank you so much - I'm glad you enjoyed my ramblings! I find it's a weird situation at the moment where this sort-of "stripper" or "ho" culture is now considered almost feminism. I wouldn't ever deny a woman the right to dress and act sexy, but I worry that people are forgetting there's more to feminism (and more importantly equality) than the "I've got a hot bod. Deal with it" mentality.

    And cheers to you and anyone else who might be linking to me from Gwen, who rocks the Kasbah!

    Cheers, Natalie.

  3. Exactly m'lady!

    It's coxster again :)

    It seems like these corporate fashion dictators create a false image of empowerment for women to display themselves as nothing more than whorish objects or as a rapper's accessories. It's not empowering to give a guy a lap dance and then push him in the head and do the "sexy" hip wiggle away to your troupe (spelling eek) of similarly dressed "ho's" to do a group dance that consists of three moves as you described.

    it's great to meet like minded thinkers....i just about die of hatred whenever that 'lumps' song comes on by the sellout peas.....
    like it's cool to be a hooker!

    buy buy buy buy sell sell sell sell. stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff.

    ...it just goes to show that the media world is truly run by men by the way these women are forced to act.

    trust me a woman can dress and act sexy in a turtle neck and some jeans with some reading glasses on that has the intelligence to debate and converse....damn if that ain't sexy and stimulating in itself.

    like the disposable heroes of hiphopricsy once said

    'where having straight teeth in your mouth is more important than the words that come out of it'

    and yes gwen does rock the kasbah! ooooowwww!...is it just me or is that quite possibly one of the finest songs ever made? ....probably just me. i'm a simple man.

    my utmost respect ma'am *respectful bow*