Despite having what some like to call an "ideal face for radio", I was devastated to learn today that I have NOT been nominated for this year's "Hottest Radio Babes" competition, being run by that bastion of feminist thinking and progressive social discourse, Zoo Weekly.
According to this article, I have failed to make the cut, and am not one of the women who "make Aussies twiddle their radio knobs". You can't imagine the shame, the ignominy, the disgrace this brings to my family. I can remember my father, when I was but a slip of a girl, raising me onto his broad shoulders, and promising one day I would reach the far greater heights of men's magazine stardom.
What do I do now to impress my dear Dad? Start some sort of share portfolio? Jeez.
And who are the faces behind the voices with the behinds that Zoo Weekly wants?
Well, glamourous blonde Jackie O of course, ex-Home and Away star Kate Ritchie and her Sydney Nova colleague Bianca Dye, and recent commercial convert Myf Warhurst, who'd have the quirky alternative vote all sewn up if Marieke Hardy from Triple J wasn't also nominated.
Flying the Brisbane flag are Nova's Emily Jade O'Keefe, whose teeth are so pearly they're at risk of being poached by Malaysian fishermen, bubbly ex-Big Brother housemate Camilla from B105, Sami "By the way did I mention I'm single?" Lukis from Triple M, and even classy Laurel Edwards from Classic Hits 4KQ.
Now where oh where is the commercial talkback representation here? I cry inequality. It can't be age - I'm younger than many of the nominated hot radio babes, and yet I was still snubbed. And it can't have been my fresh-faced-4am-weekend-starts looks.... no, of course not. It must be demographic bias.
So I hope you're happy Zoo Weekly. You've taken this Z-grade radio personality's hopes and dreams and trod on them as harshly as you would tread on a Germaine Greer opinion piece on catwalk models. I tell you, your decision to exclude me from this list has made me seriously consider pulling my entry from next month's Booty Bank.