I have always maintained a curious interest in goings-on in the TV direct marketing business. Some of the finest, yet most ridiculous products in history have gained notoriety and popularity through this medium. The Topsy-Tail, the Ginzu Knives, the ThighMaster, the Power Duster - and of course all of those ab-trimming machines.
But I feel the artform of paid promotional advertising has reached its apex. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce: The Snuggie.
The Snuggie is the latest in high-tech, polyester-fleece urban loungewear. Or, as the website triumphantly exclaims:
It's the blanket with sleeves!
It goes on:
Blankets are OK, but they can slip and slide. And when you need to reach for something, your hands are trapped inside.
I'm not sure if the good people at Global Shop Direct intended their product description to begin with such delicious poetry, but it's working for me. I had never realised the innate impracticality of blankets until it was outlined to me by means of a rhyming couplet. They slide off you! And they TRAP YOUR HANDS IN THEIR FILTHY, DOWN-FILLED PRISON!
The Snuggie keeps you totally warm and gives you the freedom to use your hands.
FINALLY, FREEDOM! TERRIFYING FREEDOM!
So now, you can work the remote, or read a book in total warmth and comfort, use your laptop without being cold, or enjoy a snack while staying snuggly warm.
I could NEVER have done those things before without massive, sliding-blanket induced inconvenience. Followed by death.
No more cold feet.
See, if only someone had been clever enough to invent woolly or fleecy all-over foot coverings and given them names like "socks" and "slippers", we wouldn't have had to wait this long for toasty toes.
And with Snuggie, you can get up and still stay warm.
We all know physical activity is inherently anti-warming. I may just cry tears of joy and blood.
By now you should be entirely convinced of the desirability of an all-over machine-washable blanket robe. But the TV advertisement doesn't restrain The Snuggie to indoor use only - which you would think would be its purview. Oh no. The Snuggie is an all-weather device, ready to be deployed at a moment's notice in chilly outdoor conditions.
And when you take into account that The Snuggie is currently only available in two colours - "Religious Cult Burgundy" and "Harry Potter Goes Mardi Gras Royal Blue" - you realise just how much your kids will love you when you turn up to cheer them on at Little Athletics decked out like the albino monk from The DaVinci Code.
It's time to suit up, people. Let's embrace The Snuggie. Thanks to Global Shop Direct - now everybody can get fleeced!