Oct 5, 2009

Confidentially

It's a funny thing, confidence.

I have it in spades. And I lack it in swathes.

I wish I could explain it to you. I wish I could tell you that I was proud of myself, for my achievements. I wish I could tell you that I was on a high for directing a successful show. I wish I could take more credit for it. I wish I could tell you that I didn't find out I am not to be included in the next show. I wish I could tell you that the small rational part of my brain knows I cannot be in every show; I wish I could tell you it didn't completely undermine my confidence in my ability. I wish I could tell you that I reacted professionally. I wish I could be less emotional. I wish I could tell you I do not cry at work and hope somebody will randomly send me an email telling me I'm great.

I wish I could tell you that I was capable of being strong. I wish I could tell you that performing wasn't everything to me. I wish I could be a better writer. I wish I could entertain you more, and accept your compliments. I wish I could be a part of your group. I wish I could be invited to your drinks. I wish I could be one of you. I wish I didn't feel so left out all of the time. I wish that feeling wasn't real, or imagined. I wish I was cool.

I wish I knew magic tricks so I could impress people when I met them. I wish I had another skill that could be easily deployed in social situations. I wish I didn't have to constantly beg people to come and see my shows in order that I can prove to them that I have a skill. "Look! I have a skill! This is me, this is all I can do!". I wish I could inspire people. I wish I could take a night off. I wish people would miss me when I did.

I wish this headache would go away. I wish I would listen to my wonderful partner more. I wish I was sensible.

And I wish I would stop wasting my time on foolish wishes.

15 comments:

  1. If even some of those wishes come true, you wouldn't be human.

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  2. You've just wished not to be human.

    Ah shit Jamin said that already.

    I wish I was more original.

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  3. I think Calvin and Hobbes say it best...

    http://tinyurl.com/avkca

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  4. Learn a magic trick then. It can't be that hard. Magicians do it for god's sake.

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  5. If it's any consolation, I think you're awesome.

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  6. What then hell is all thios about???
    You obviously weren't in the audience last night
    and you also had a bit too much to drink
    Regards
    The Ancient Man

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  7. Ya know what I wish?

    I wish I am as fabulously talented as the devine GC.

    Unprofessional responses and crying at work are my call sign. Y'all get your own. :)

    Take care of what you think gorgeous girl. x

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  8. GC, you are gorgeous, smart and talented.

    I wish I could be as brave as you. I'm terrified to step on a stage.

    You are not the only one who feels lonely and left out at times, I promise you.

    If I lived in Oz, I would always invite you out for drinks.

    Just on Saturday night, I had some friends over for my birthday, including Amanda, who has a blog here at Blogspot, and we were watching He's Just Not That Into You, and after we all sighed and said how cute Ginner Goodwin was in the movie, Amanda pointed out that you look just like her (or she looks just like you).

    Also, you have an awesome boyfriend who would cheer you up via a Calvin and Hobbs comic strip. I don't think a girl could ask for more. :D

    *HUGS*

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  9. (Oops typo. I mean Ginnifer Goodwin, not Ginner)

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  10. That was brilliant, and ironic.

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  11. We have no need of confidence. Because this is SPARTA!!!!!!

    Honestly, just scream it a few times. It helps.

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  12. When people I meet for the first time perform magic tricks like pulling a coin from behind my ear, it makes me feel uncomfortable and it is usually followed by an awkward silence. I'm more impressed when they comment positively on my moustache.

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  13. Come over for drinks next time you are in Canberra. Abe and I know a couple of places.

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  14. If wishes were fishes you'd have a pretty good feed there.

    Look at the brightside, you've not become a cynical old fart like the rest of us. Although some *cough* Birmo *cough* are older than others!

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