It's a funny thing, confidence.
I have it in spades. And I lack it in swathes.
I wish I could explain it to you. I wish I could tell you that I was proud of myself, for my achievements. I wish I could tell you that I was on a high for directing a successful show. I wish I could take more credit for it. I wish I could tell you that I didn't find out I am not to be included in the next show. I wish I could tell you that the small rational part of my brain knows I cannot be in every show; I wish I could tell you it didn't completely undermine my confidence in my ability. I wish I could tell you that I reacted professionally. I wish I could be less emotional. I wish I could tell you I do not cry at work and hope somebody will randomly send me an email telling me I'm great.
I wish I could tell you that I was capable of being strong. I wish I could tell you that performing wasn't everything to me. I wish I could be a better writer. I wish I could entertain you more, and accept your compliments. I wish I could be a part of your group. I wish I could be invited to your drinks. I wish I could be one of you. I wish I didn't feel so left out all of the time. I wish that feeling wasn't real, or imagined. I wish I was cool.
I wish I knew magic tricks so I could impress people when I met them. I wish I had another skill that could be easily deployed in social situations. I wish I didn't have to constantly beg people to come and see my shows in order that I can prove to them that I have a skill. "Look! I have a skill! This is me, this is all I can do!". I wish I could inspire people. I wish I could take a night off. I wish people would miss me when I did.
I wish this headache would go away. I wish I would listen to my wonderful partner more. I wish I was sensible.
And I wish I would stop wasting my time on foolish wishes.
