Aug 8, 2011

Wipe Out

A recent trip to Canberra yielded a number of interesting discoveries.

The first - that 200 denier, fleece-lined stockings are completely worth the $15 price tag, even if only required for three days.

The second - that while $10 honey-lemon chicken tastes pretty nasty, $100 honey-lemon chicken probably wouldn't be much better.

And the third was found in a vending machine inside the women's lavatories in a university pub:

If there's one thing the 21st century has given us, it's an expanding range of products available inside ladies' loos.  It's not just emergency feminine hygiene products - you can get deodorant, lip gloss, condoms and even 5 minutes with a GHD straightening iron to touch up your locks.

The sheer volume of interesting stuff to keep you occupied while you're "Occupied" is playing right into the hands of the Stereotype Police - as if we needed any more jokes about all heading to the bathroom together.

But I was not expecting "WipeOn Sex Appeal". Perhaps Canberra's legendary appetite for pornography has failed to translate across to general one-on-one hooking up, hence the need for a little practical help.

I found a shiny $2 coin in my purse and promptly purchased the "Wipe On Sex Appeal". I maintain this was FOR SCIENCE! as I decided to test it out on the friends and associates at the pub.

I removed the "highest quality pheremone wipe" (remember, a princely $2) and dabbed my neck and wrists with it. I used caution, of course, taking heed of the packet's warning that it could trigger "powerful responses".

To me, it smelled a bit like what it resembled - a KFC moist towelette. But still, the package promised me the aroma could be "relied upon to achieve unfair social advantages", so I made my way around the room, wearing my best "come hither" expression, and inviting a variety of people to sniff at my wrist. How could this tantalising mix of Alcohol, Pheremone, Fragrance and Water possibly fail?

Watching nose after nose crinkle up in disgust quickly doused my dreams of irresistible, siren-like sex appeal.

"What IS that?" was the most common response, along with "You smell like a toilet."

I think the nicest comparison was "you smell like a meadow". A meadow full of cow pats, apparently.

But the end result was that nobody, NOBODY,  was attracted by my powerful, hospital-grade disinfectant scent. Smelling like Mr Muscle does not, in fact, attract Mr Muscle. Or even Mr Sheen.

I think perhaps what they need is a better name. Let's face it "wipe" is not a word we need reminding about when it comes to acts of a intimate nature. There are all sorts of ugly connotations.

Can you think of a better name for this high-quality product? Have you found bizarre items in a public bathroom? And should I clarify that question a little more?


  1. I've done my fair share of touring around up and down the east coast of Australia and the only things I ever really found in guys toilets were novelty condoms of a million varieties.

    Some with a jungle theme, others just with a variety of ribbings and textures etc. Some pretty funny stuff.

    They should have gone for some sort of insta pre-fix.


  2. That is a... truly remarkable item you have discovered. If I were you, I'd have invested in a dozen, and sent them anonymously to people whose self-esteem I wanted to sabotage. Heh.

  3. Odorant?
    ...ok I'm done.

  4. One night friend of ours decided that Stu needed help getting a girlfriend. So when we were at a local establishment, he went into the male toilets and purchased some 'Wipe On Sex Appeal'. Then, unbeknownst to Stu, he proceeded to wipe in on the back of his shirt and ponytail.

    Cut a long story short, after our various giggling there were no luck to be had with the ladies and Stu unfairly claimed the pub 'smelt like shit' - I think that's when we all finally cracked and told him.