Smells Like (Chris)tina Spirit

The main problem with Royal Desire - singer Christina Aguilera's latest scent - is the complete disconnect between the name of the product and the imagery they're using to spruik it.

"Royal" conjures up images of reds and purples and golds - as pretty as the pastel pink Christina and her throne room are decked out in, it's hardly regal. And what's with the packaging? Black lace detail? I suspect Christina is trying to cash in on her upcoming role as an "ingenue" in Burlesque, the film that's set to prove once and for all that taking your clothes off can be classy, as long as there are corsets and Cher involved.

Also, while it's generally accepted practice to spray perfume at your neck, I'm fairly sure Christina is just squirting straight at her boobies. OK, sure there's some sort of heart-shaped diamond she's making sparkle, but that's a fairly tedious reason for a gratuitous jug shot. And surely, being "royal", it should be crown-shaped or something?

I mean, it'd be fine if they changed the name to Lace Dreams or Pastel Follies or Classy Broad. But Royal Desire just seems incongruous. Even with the "Feel like a Queen" tagline.

It reminded me though of one of my dream jobs. I would love to work in the beauty industry, solely in the field of inventing names and catchphrases for fragrances. I mean, I've got an imagination, and it's not like you need to describe the smell of a perfume to sell it. You just need a tantalising name and a catchy slogan.

Here's a few I'm working on, if any boffins at L'Oreal or whatever are reading:

Catch
For the woman who loves to be pursued.  Let them Catch.... if they can.

Lure
Reel them in.

Grace
She's cool under fire. She's a princess. She's driven off a cliff. She's Grace.

Silk
For the woman as smooth as material finely spun out of a worm's fundamental orifice.

Flamingo
In the pink. In the stink.

You get the general idea, anyway.

#30before30: Learn from Teenagers

What is it with teenagers these days?

When I was 15, I was busy dodging my Dad’s attempts to get me into part-time work, and watching Red Dwarf videos. That’s right, videos. And there was lots of pausing involved if you wanted to memorise some of Rimmer’s more barbed insults.

Oh yes, I was a total teenage geek. A dork. A dweeb. A gumby.
And I thought Rose and Gabby - identical twins, Year 10 students, and to all intents and purposes teenage geek girls - would be like me. I thought that they too would spend their afternoons listening to bootlegged tapes of Tony Martin radio shows and reading books about Jack the Ripper. I thought we could have a competition to see who could recite Lady Macbeth’s “out damn spot” speech with a greater air of faux tragedy.

But it turns out teenage geeks these days…aren’t actually geeky. They’re… cool.

Now admittedly, dear reader, you may not think that playing Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance on the cello amounts to “cool”, but you’re talking to someone whose party trick is naming all the British monarchs from William the Conqueror to present day. Lame is my middle name.

I met Rose and Gabby through mutual theatre friends, and when the 30 Before 30 challenge began, Rose challenged me to learn a piece of music on the cello.

#30before30: Hiring Cleaners

I’m not a tidy person.

The rest of my family are neat freaks. My mother is so clean, you could eat dinner off her.

On second thoughts, don’t eat dinner off my mother.

I’m not sure why I’m so messy, when my genetic predisposition should be towards cleanliness. I guess I’m pretty lazy. Also, cleaning is HARD. And not FUN. The only household chore I enjoy is the ironing, which apparently makes me a freak – even according to my mother.

But doing the #30before30 project on top of working full-time and my regular extra-curricular activities meant a whole new level of mess entered my sweet little apartment.

Old Gateway: My Part in Its Downfall

Strange and amusing things can sometimes happen in my line of work.

Sometimes you wind up spending hours waiting for a person or an event or an announcement that never materialises.

Then other days you wind up officially unveiling a new road name.

#30before30: Buy an iProduct

Taken on PhotoBooth. With some sort of filter thingy.

Oh, I’ve become everything I’ve ever hated.

I’ve bought a Mac.

I blame John Birmingham. I really do. The man gets such a loving, faraway gaze in his eyes when talking about his master Steve Jobs and his shiny precious gadgets.

I wanted to feel like that! For once, I wanted to own a piece of technology that actually made my life easier, and didn’t make me want to bash my face into an electrified fence.

I’ve spent years loathing the “Cult of Mac”. I don’t even own an iPod. But repeated exposure to Apple-philes started me thinking that perhaps, PERHAPS, it might be worth a try. And then, my three-year-old HP laptop had a tragic encounter with a stretch of bitumen and couldn’t be revived.

Was it a sign? Like Sir Isaac Newton, was it time for me to have an Apple-induced revelation? I decide to give it a go.

#30before30: Read a Classic Novel

How did it come to pass that I had never read George Orwell’s 1984? Certainly I have very clear recollections of there being a copy in my parents’ book collection, with the proper, spelled-out numbers and everything.

(Nineteen Eighty-Four. I don’t know about you but the spelled-out numbers read so much more ominously, don’t they?)

I’ve always been a voracious reader, and yet somehow 1984 escaped me. When I ran a poll asking which “classic” I should read for #30before30, 1984 streaked ahead, winning 29 out of 73 votes, ahead of Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World on 19, and Catcher in the Rye on 14. 

(And yes, I promise to read those classics too. Shame on me, etc etc.)

The thing I noticed most as I threw myself into Orwell’s … well, Orwellian vision of the future is just how familiar it was, even though I hadn’t actually read his words before. Turns out everything dystopian since 1984 really IS derivative. Not that that’s a bad thing. It’s a great playground that Orwell built that others now delight in running around in.

#30before30: Drive a Fast Car

“So, how do you drive a WRX?” I asked my brother, as we stood under cloudy skies at City Subaru.

“Like you stole it,” he replied.

My initial plan for the “drive a fast car” challenge was to get behind the wheel of an Aston Martin and James Bond my little heart out. But it turns out sourcing an Aston Martin is not an easy thing to do. They’re obviously all busy being used to thwart the evil machinations of Goldfinger or something.

My brother Simon has a long abiding love for fast cars, and offered to help me out. Turns out he has a mate named Ryan who’s one of the dealers down at City Subaru, and could hook me up a test drive in a new model WRX.

#30before30: Revisit Your Childhood

This particular #30before30 task was quite … quaint. I was challenged to go back to where I grew up, and recall some events of my childhood. Here's a video of my visit, and here's a somewhat scattered memoir of 15 or so years of life in Pine Rivers, on Brisbane’s northside, in the late '80s and '90s.

I am your classic middle-class child of the 1980s. My family had a pool. We travelled overseas. My Dad got a new company car every few years (always Holdens), and being a nautical family, often had boats. We even got a SuperNintendo in the early 90s.

By sheer luck of birth I wound up doing better than probably 95% of people on Planet Earth. Sure, my family had its own oddities and occasional hard times, but by and large, I had everything I could ever need and in most cases, want.

Thirty

It happened. And it's yet to unhappen, so I daresay it's permanent. At least for a year or four.

By my counting, I have achieved 24 #30before30 challenges by this date. I hope to get another three done on my birthday itself (yes, I guess I'm cheating). 18 have been published on Brisbane Times and here at girlclumsy.com; the rest will follow over coming days.

I'll reflect in greater detail on the project once it's "over", but suffice to say it's been a hard slog, an eye-opener, and a delight.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to help me out, give me advice and support, and of course read the articles themselves. A more complete thank you list will follow!

I'd like to make another plea for donations - if you have enjoyed the project and have a few spare dollars, why not make a contribution through my secure PayPal account? All proceeds will be split evenly between the Australian Red Cross and the Brisbane Arts Theatre. Thank you to those who have already donated - it really does mean a lot to me.

And so begins Decade Four on Earth... hope to take it for an almighty fun spin with you all.

#30before30: Become a Minor Hate Figure

This is a completely accidental #30before30 post.  I didn’t mean to become a minor hate figure.  But it turns out if you slag off open mic stand-up comedians, these things can happen.

My article about attempting stand-up at a tough pub room was certainly insensitive in parts. Perhaps describing some of the comics as “relentlessly awful” was a tad on the harsh side.  I was fully prepared to cop a bit of stick for that. Putting myself in the comics’ shoes, I could see how I might come across as some hoity-toity media type who was just toying with an entertainment form to which they’ve dedicated a large chunk of blood, sweat and tears. (Hell maybe I am that. Just wish I had the money and clothes to match).

What I didn’t anticipate was a firestorm of epic proportions engulfing my humble little corner of cyberspace. I understand the principles behind a “flame war” – basically, people getting angry and hurling poorly spelt insults at each other on the internet – but had never actually been in one, let alone caused one.

#30before30: Drink Alcohol

I can never really satisfactorily explain why I don’t drink. The best answer I can give is “I don’t like the taste.” Alcohol was never a taboo in my house growing up; hell, if my Gran had had her way, I would’ve been downing Moet by the bottle by the time I hit 14. She maintains it’s the only way to drink (although now in her mid-80s, she’s slowed down to only two or three glasses a day).

I never really saw drinking alcohol as “rebellious”, in the same way I never really saw smoking as “cool”. Perhaps I am a bit of a control freak, but I don’t need a lubricant to be able to talk to people, and I seem loud and obnoxious enough without booze.

#30before30: Morris Dancing

“I’m quite happy just to practice with you,” I’d told the gathered six or seven Morris dancers at their Roma Street Parkland rehearsal spot. “It’s just about learning the moves, isn’t it?”

“Oh no!” they laughed. “You’ve got to do it in public,” said Ian, their fearsomely grey-bearded leader. “With the bells on, and the tatter coat. Otherwise it doesn’t count as proper Morris dancing.”

Which is how I ended up in the City Botanic Gardens on a wet Saturday afternoon, with bizarre facepaint, a blue raggedy jacket and bells tied to my shins.

#30before30: Write a song

The amazing thing about this #30before30 project has been how incredibly generous people have been with their time and expertise. I'm just some schmuck with a wish list, and people have bent over backwards to help me out. It's extraordinary. A few of my challenges were music-related, and I got a lovely email a few weeks back from the good folk at the Independent Music Academy at Bowen Hills offering to "teach me music". I rocked up one Saturday, was handed a guitar, and sat down with a lovely lady named Miranda, who was tasked with being the wise Yoda to my petulant Luke Skywalker.

#30before30: Pole Dancing

One of my personal heroes has always been Xena, Warrior Princess, mostly because there are times when I just want to ditch this mild-mannered journalist schtick and kick some bad-guy ass.

But I’m here to tell you, Xena has serious competition. For I have a new hero. Her name is Michelle, she’s a pole dancing instructor, and she has GUNS OF STEEL.

You may have seen Michelle on Australia’s Got Talent earlier this year. She was one of three Pure Pole Angels who reduced judge Karl Sandilands to even more of a snivelling mess than usual. And with good reason.

She’s athletic, acrobatic and awe-inspiring. Oh, and did I mention her GUNS OF STEEL?

#30before30: Walk up Mt Coot-tha

This article was originally published on Brisbane Times. If you're enjoying the #30before30 challenge, why not consider donating a few dollars via the secure PayPal link in my sidebar? All donations will be split 50/50 between the Australian Red Cross and Brisbane Arts Theatre. Thank you!

8.01am Arrive base camp (Planetarium & Botanic Gardens carpark). ‘Tis a fine morning. I had no trouble finding a park, surely a good sign for my first journey up Brisbane’s Maccu Picchu on foot.

8.05am Final check of supplies: Hat, sunscreen, sunglasses, water, knee support braces (just in case).

8.06am Bidding a grand farewell to a mostly empty carpark, I embark on this most perilous of journeys.

#30before30: Play Poker for Money

This article was originally published on Brisbane Times. If you're enjoying the #30before30 challenge, why not consider donating a few dollars via the secure PayPal link in my sidebar? All donations will be split 50/50 between the Australian Red Cross and Brisbane Arts Theatre. Thank you!

We exchanged pleasantries, and looked for a suitable dingy cafe, full of cigarette smoke and despair, in which to speak in hushed tones about the art of Texas Hold ‘Em. Sadly, dingy cigarette-smoke-and-despair-filled cafes are rather rare in the Queen Street Mall these days, so we settled for a few tables under the harsh fluorescents at the Hungry Jack’s.


"Chris" and "James". I'm the one with the cards.

The RCC is a mixed bunch of ne’er-do-wells and mods chasing the dream. “James” won enough one grimy evening on the Gold Coast to pay his yearly TAFE tuition fees in one hit. “Pete” is thinking about changing sides and becoming a dealer to better study human nature at the table. “Jess” is a pocket rocket who can turn a split in the hole into a decent stack of chips. And “Chris” is point man for smooth dressing and attitude tips.

(There’s also “Troy”, “Richard” and an interesting character called “Chiv” whom we lost early in the night to the roulette wheel and a couple of vodka Redbulls).

#30before30: Listen to a Classic Album

This article was originally published on Brisbane Times. If you're enjoying the #30before30 challenge, why not consider donating a few dollars via the secure PayPal link in my sidebar? All donations will be split 50/50 between the Australian Red Cross and Brisbane Arts Theatre. Thank you!

There’s a great episode of The Simpsons where Homer bemoans his lack of knowledge about the “hip, young people’s” music, and Marge responds by saying “Well, music is none of my business.”

That’s pretty much how I feel on a daily basis. I just don’t seem to have a very good musical knowledge.

So I asked for suggestions for a “classic” album I could listen to, and then ran a poll. Pink Floyd’s The Dark Side of the Moon was the clear winner with 37 per cent of the vote, beating AC/DC’s Back in Black on 11 votes (17 per cent), followed by The Beatles’ Revolver with (15 per cent), and Metallica’s Kill ‘em All (14 per cent).

#30before30: Stand-Up Comedy

This article was originally published on Brisbane Times. If you're enjoying the #30before30 challenge, why not consider donating a few dollars via the secure PayPal link in my sidebar? All donations will be split 50/50 between the Australian Red Cross and Brisbane Arts Theatre. Thank you!

I have a love/hate relationship with stand-up comedy. I've always wanted to try it, but have always shied away with the certain dreaded knowledge that I will be fundamentally awful. But one of the catalysts for the #30before30 project was a niggling voice in my head repeating ad nauseum “You're gonna regret not at least trying it in your 20s…” - so OK.

I've got 10 years of experience in improvised comedy behind me, and I've done a fair bit of MC and presenting work, as well as writing comedy for plays - but it's not the same. Where I run into difficulty is the actual “joke-writing” bit. How do you know if you have a funny set-up? How do you write a punchline? It's a very different beast.

#30before30: Ride a Harley

This article was originally published on Brisbane Times. If you're enjoying the #30before30 challenge, why not consider donating a few dollars via the secure PayPal link in my sidebar? All donations will be split 50/50 between the Australian Red Cross and Brisbane Arts Theatre. Thank you!

My experience with motorbikes boils down to a few scooter tours through scenic parts of South-East Asia. While bumping along a dirt road somewhere near Battambang, stopping only to taste some sticky bamboo rice, is all very exotic, there’s not a lot of grunt involved.

And grunt is Harley Davidson’s middle name.

A Harley Davidson is not just a motorbike. It’s a lifestyle. A lifestyle that I know next to nothing about - except the vague mental picture of chrome and big handlebars (of both the bike and moustache variety).

Luckily Phil, the manager at Morgan and Wacker, is keen to enlighten me. “Brisbane has a very dedicated Harley Davidson culture,” he says.