Making a Contribution

Like most humans with an internet connection, I enjoy browsing the websites Damn You, Autocorrect! and Lamebook. The former explores the perils of not double checking your text messages; the latter is simply a celebration of the sometimes clever, often trite and mostly laughably stupid things people say on Facebook.

I've often wondered if I'd ever stumble across or inadvertently cause something to occur that could justify an entry into one of these websites. I never thought I would have justified entries for both occur on the same day.

Late Monday night, I was searching online stores for a BOSU, a piece of exercise equipment my personal trainer Jon makes me use. An acronym for "Both Sides Up", it's basically half a fitball attached to a board. It's great to use for stepping exercises, as the inflated side means a lower impact on your knees (I've always had bad knees). You can also use it as a balance board. I know, I know, as Girl Clumsy I have no need for balance training, but it's nice to have the option there.

I found a proper BOSU online at Optomo for a decent price, which included free shipping. Having recently paid down my credit card (bless you, tax return), I clicked and bought it. I was expecting delivery to take days, if not a week or so - but then my doorbell rang around 2pm yesterday and there it was!

Excited, I texted Jon. "Omg! I ordered a bosu at midnight and it just got delivered."

He didn't reply. I thought that was slightly odd, as I'd been expecting Jon to be excited by my purchase. All became clear though later when I messaged him on Twitter about the new arrival. This was his reply:

Obviously his silence was some sort of acceptance that I'm just freaky enough to be a part of some male-order mail-order scheme.

The other outstanding contribution to the internet comes from the Facebook event page for my How To Be A Man audition. This show - based on the John Birmingham/Dirk Flinthart book and adapted by the erudite Simon Bedak - finishes the trilogy after He Died with a Felafel in His Hand and The Tasmanian Babes Fiasco, and will play at the Brisbane Arts Theatre in November/December.

The audition pages lists the criteria for potential cast members, including a general age guide of 18 to 40. Now sometimes I really just loathe Facebook - but sometimes I admit it does provide comedy gold like this:

And now, I will await a call from playwright Simon Bedak demanding I cast that 14-year-old kid...

Just Following Orders

Disclaimer: The following essay contains my own thoughts and opinions. As a journalist, I always try to work by high ethical standards. However, our profession contains its own particular challenges, and I wanted to reflect on this in a constructive way.

The Brisbane media landscape was this week rocked by the so-called “Choppergate” scandal. Channel Nine sacked two journalists and a producer, and its head of news resigned, after revelations they faked two “live” crosses from their news helicopter. Instead of flying near the search site for missing teenager Daniel Morcombe as the station claimed, it was instead on the Mt Coot-tha helipad, or hovering nearby.

I do not know any of the persons involved beyond cursory bump-ins at media conferences. I do know that they were all well-respected, particularly 25-year veteran Lee Anderson, the former head of news.

I’ve seen the reaction unfold via social media and news sites, and it’s spanned the sympathy spectrum from “a lot” to “absolutely none”.

I feel conflicted.

Red-Faced

If I were to show you this picture, of two cosmetic items I have in my bathroom....

And this, a close-up, just so you can really see the labels....

And, given that said products are the same size, with the same packaging...and given that my nickname is Girl Clumsy.... what do you think would happen to me?

Playing the Goat

I didn't get a chance to upload this last week, after popping in and out of the Ekka a few times for work purposes. The petting zoo is always my favourite.

Puntastic

I love a good pun.

One of the cleverest things I've ever said onstage was in a time-travel scene, that was randomly called as the year 1603. I jumped onstage as a dying Queen Elizabeth I, and mournfully said "I may have the heart and stomach of a king, but I have the body of a weak and feeble woman." Now that was an incredibly witty turnaround on Queen Bess' famous speech to the troops at Tilbury. I was amazed at my own brilliance. A lifetime of nerdish seclusion with history documentaries paid off at that one moment. It was a supremely gorgeous piece of literary punning.

Did it get a laugh? Did it HELL.

That's because it's the BAD puns that everyone laughs/groans at. And I've done my fair share of dodgy punning. I once pumped out about four or five cheese-related puns in a soap opera scene based on a family of cheese producers. "This business is in my blue veins"/"I'm getting edam better"/"This is more than I can camembert" - yes, people groaned liked they'd just been forced to watch Andrew Bolt's TV show, but that was always accompanied by an escaped snort or two - the sound of people laughing despite themselves.

(Of course, this is TERRIBLE advice for any improvisers reading. Don't pun, guys.)

Businesses love a pun too. In my mind, nobody loves a pun more than an airport business. Here's a selection from Brisbane's Domestic Terminal.

News Travels! Geddit? 'Cause you're at an airport!

Eat 'n' Runway! Geddit? 'Cause you're at an airport!

Cafe du Wings! Geddit? Well, actually, I'm not entirely sure what the "du" is
supposed to mean,  but it's probably French or something. But still, WINGS!

And I've lost count of how many times I've seen airport noodle bars called "Wok on Air".

There's a famous fish and chip shop in Brisbane somewhere called "A Salt and Battery".

And hairdressing salons! If they're not super trendy and called something like "Krop" or "Obsidian", they've got names like "A Cut Above". My favourite is "Lunatic Fringe" at Clayfield.

The problem I find is that many puns are completely obvious when you read them - but it would never occur to me to put said pun with said business, or event, or whatever. I lack pun foresight. I would be terrible in advertising.

What good/bad puns have you seen around recently?

All My Loving

I spent today covering the Ekka, the ten days each year that Brisbane gives over to country life-inspired Stockholm Syndrome.

I say that because over the years I've covered the Ekka enough to develop a sort of perverted fondness for its urban rustic atmosphere and the seething mass of humanity that power-strolls (often with power-strollers) through it. I've come to see it as a great challenge for my immune system and a cautious reminder of the importance of good dental care.

Of course, it helps that I get in on a media pass.

I visited the Ekka as a young 'un a few times. I believe my parents looked upon it with some dread, given the infamous "Ekka bug" that invariably went around each year.

One time I clearly remember my brother throwing up an ice-cream while watching the stunt car show in the main arena. All over the wooden benches it went, like a reverse vanilla volcano. I'm not sure if that was due to illness though, or just overly vigorous licking. Whatever it was, it was those sorts of incidents that made the Ekka a "sometimes" treat.

Another "sometime" treat was of course, the Ekka showbags. My parents had a strict limit on them, being as how they were generally overpriced plastic bags full of plastic crap ...and lollies. My brother and I were allowed two showbags, to a value of $10 in total. Only one of them was allowed to be a lolly/chocolate/snack bag. The other had to be a gimmick bag, one of the themed bags full of crap, based around whatever cartoon or TV show was popular at the time.

Now 1987 was my first visit to the show, and there was only one gimmick showbag I wanted.

Young Talent Time.

Clarions

I was very chuffed to learn that I have been nominated for a 2011 Queensland Media Award - also known as the "Clarions".

The report that got the nod was from 22 March, the day rumours about Campbell Newman's impending switch from local to state politics.

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I'm up against some pretty big heavyweights from the ABC and SBS, so I'm very realistic about my chances. But this is the first time I've been nominated for any kind of journalism award, so I'm just pleased for that reason.

I've always been keen to make my voice reports lively and interesting. I find state politics to be generally quite entertaining - but then, I do see a lot of parallels with the theatre. And I'm the first to admit that the there are often swathes of information and detail that can get overwhelming, and let's face it, dull. So it's always a good challenge to try to distil important information in just 30 to 50 seconds of a voice report, and make it easy on the ear.

Yesterday Premier Anna Bligh gave a speech to the Queensland Media Club, in which she blamed politics and politicians for an increasingly negative public discourse. She admitted there is a mood for change in the state, but rather than accept this meant a shoo-in for the LNP at the next election, said it was up to her government to be more positive, and spread optimism.

I love opportunities to throw in different audio pieces into my voice reports, and so I had a lot of fun putting this one together:

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Apologies for the self-indulgence!

Fun with a Harpsichord

Agatha Holmes Ahoy! enters its final week tonight. We have three more shows in this incredibly fun and stoically British murder mystery comedy, set on the high seas.

Last Saturday night saw the death of a regular character - SS Snobbington leisure manager and all around snivelling toady Antony Thatcher. It was a surprise for everyone, but not necessarily in a bad way. In the video, you'll see the cast's hymn of "mourning", as well as Agatha Holmes' unique method of playing the harpsichord.

Our wonderful musician Kris Anderson supplies the notes for the harpsichord, making us all look much more musically competent than we are.

Kris also takes amazing photographs, and I wanted to share this particularly spectacular one:

The show plays Thursday 11 August, Friday 12 August and Saturday 13 August. Tickets are $17 adults and $12 concession. The Brisbane Arts Theatre is 210 Petrie Terrace, and the show starts at 8pm!

Wipe Out

A recent trip to Canberra yielded a number of interesting discoveries.

The first - that 200 denier, fleece-lined stockings are completely worth the $15 price tag, even if only required for three days.

The second - that while $10 honey-lemon chicken tastes pretty nasty, $100 honey-lemon chicken probably wouldn't be much better.

And the third was found in a vending machine inside the women's lavatories in a university pub:

Agatha Holmes Ahoy!

Egads! It's been over a week since I posted an entry here at girlclumsy.com

I should really say "It's been over a week since I blogged", but something about the word "blogged" still seems to evoke an unfortunate bowel movement or a gardening mishap.

The week has been extraordinarily busy, covering state parliament at work, and rehearsing and preparing for  Agatha Holmes Ahoy! - ImproMafia's latest season at the Brisbane Arts Theatre.

This is a murder mystery comedy set on the high seas, in which the audience determines the murderer by ballot every night. We also use their suggestions for the murder weapon and a tell-tale clue, and it's up to Britain's sharpest detective mind to solve the whodunnit.

Here's a clip from our opening night on Thursday - "The Reason for the Rhyme". This gives you a good idea of what an insanely brilliant (or possibly just insane) sleuth Agatha Holmes is.

I play Lady Augusta Wellesley, an ice-cold socialite of aristocratic heritage with a tongue sharper than her great-great-uncle Arthur's battle sword. She's a lot of fun to portray - and hell, who doesn't love dressing up?

Picture courtesy of the brilliant Kris Anderson.

I do hope those of you living in or near Brisbane will come and check out the show - we're playing until Saturday 13 August.